How to shock my neighbor

Before the even more retarded dog moved in next door, the other neighbor's little yappy dog irritated me with his incessant barking. After a few weeks of the new puppy's unnecessary noise, I told the neighbor dude, "Y'know, I grew up with dogs and adore them but for the first time in my life, I finally understand those stories about an unhappy neighbor poisoning the barking dog."
He stood there for a minute, trying to figure out if I was pulling his leg, bent over to pick up his incredibly stoopid Dachsund and said, "Wow, that's cold, Leezra."
"I didn't say I would poison a dog, Tommy, I'm just saying I understand it. And besides, poisoning would be more efficient than locating and cutting out a dog's voice box. I have a weak stomach, y'know."
His dog hasn't been in my yard for weeks now.

Chicken Noodle Soup . . . . . . .$76.00

Found this e-mail in my file and KNOW you will enjoy the story.

Written by Chrysanthemum:

I must share this tale of daily goings on at the Chrysanthemum ranch.......

As you know, we have 2 house dogs. Lilly and Ozzie are part Pekingese and part poodle. Ozzie has more poodle in him and it shows in his hair. On Friday, his hair had reached its limit. He looked like a sheep that needed shearing. So I took him to the groomer, Touch of New York Grooming by Perry. Perry shaved him down and we all had a good laugh at naked little Ozzie.

When we got home, I decided that I would need to go get Ozzie a sweater or something since it was sooo cold outside and he loves to go outside. Unfortunately, I could not find a sweater or anything in an XS size, so I went to the baby department where I purchased a lovely velour shirt with a little snowman on the front. Size 0-3 months fits just fine on Ozzie :-)

On Saturday, Ozzie didn't move around much and would shake like he was cold. He didn't want to go outside, play or anything he usually does. I was concerned, so I went on-line and read that I could give him Tylenol for fever and aches and pains. So I did just that and carried him to bed with us and put him on a heating pad. He never moved. Sunday same as Saturday.

On Monday, step-daughter Whitney was sick and I stayed home with her. I was going to take Ozzie to the vet, but he seemed better. He ate some Cheerios and walked around a bit. I gave him some more Tylenol and thought he was on his way to recovery from some type of bug or something.

Tuesday morning,Whitney was still sick and stayed home. She called me around noon and said she was worried about Ozzie. He was really shaking even though she had him wrapped in a heating pad. So we called the vet and made an appointment. We couldn't find anyone to take him.....except for Whitney's mother/Ronald's ex-wife. Lovely. But Whitney was convinced we needed to get Ozzie to the vet soon.

At 3:10, Whitney called me to tell me the results of the vet visit. Ozzie is DEPRESSED. Seems that the sheep shearing incident traumatized him, causing him not to eat or drink and to shake uncontrollably. Turns out I should have been giving him Ronald's Prozac instead of Tylenol.

Now for the cure. A doggy IV, a shot and go home and feed him CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP. And of course, positive reinforcement. "Ozzie, your hair looks so cool!" and "Ozzie, you are one sharp looking dog."

And yes, all that for $76.00.

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I told Chrysanthemum that it was her own damn fault for putting the poor dog in a velour snowman sweater. Oh Fuh Gawd!
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Ernest concurred.
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This from Mallys:
Just in case you run out of $76 affirmations, here's some more for you to try, Chrysanthemum:

"Yo, Ozzie, is yo daddy a terrorist, 'cuz you da bomb!"

"A little fresh cracked pepper for your soup, monsieur?"
"Hey, see that little whippet over there? She is, like, TOTALLY checking you out!"

"Ozzie, with that great new hair cut, it's gonna be sooooo easy for all your friends to smell your butt!"

"That new haircut really slims you down, Ozzie. I've got a call in to Calvin Klein: I think you're just the spokesdog they're looking for for their new underwear campaign: 'Peek-a-Boo? Peek-a-Poo!!'"

Love and warm fuzzies to Ozzie,

Mallys
(whose vet has, in fact, recommended that she give Princeton The Cat transdermal Prozac. I'm too afraid I'll be rubbing it inside my **OWN** ears and Princeton will still be gnawing like a fiend at his tail. . . .)

Everything I Needed to Know about Wrestling

I learned from our dog Wolf and my youngest nephew Gregory.

Wolf was a huge female German Shepherd who took delight in sitting on her opponents. Somehow she would trick the other dog in a surprise move and just sit on them. And smile. The pinned dog would yelp or even bark but Wolf just sat there a laughing sphinx. Thrashing around in the dirt was not becoming to a well-bred and beautiful girl like Wolf so she opted for heavy sitting.

Nephew Gregory is smaller than his big brother Walter but no problem. When Walter pushed Gregory into aggression, Gregory would hug his brother around the neck, buckle his knees and allow his full weight to fall to the ground thus bringing his brother down with him. It is a sophisticated move and Gregory has deployed it with much success.

When you are in your next bar brawl, do yourself a favor to remember one of these amazingly simple but effective moves because really it is all you really need to know.

My book boyfriend says

Tyler Cowen, author of "Discover Your Inner Economist" and my book boyfriend of late, wrote that in the art world, there is a price hierarchy for animals. Paintings of purebred dogs cost more than a mongrel. Spaniels more than collies, etc. Here's the funny part: when it comes to game birds, the more expensive it is to shoot the bird, the more it adds to the value. Thus, a grouse is worth more than a mallard. Well, I gotta tell ya, for me, a plain old monkey is okay but give me an oil painting of a monkey in period clothing and maybe some head wear? Well, I am all over that.

Christmas in July

My friend Lynn recently attended a redneck wedding shower and heard exclamations and instructions to the bride to look inside the box and examine each piece. Curiosity piqued, Chrysanthemum tore herself from nipping the sherry to see this priceless gift. A kitty cat nativity scene. Oh Fuh Gawd!

The baby Jesus? Is he a sweet sleeping baby? Nope, it's a kitten. Order yours now! Not a feline fancier? A dog version is available, too.

You're welcome, I am glad to help you with your holiday pre-landfill gift list. Be sure to order the kitty version for your friend SkitzoLeezra! Yes, I really want one.

Dog Nativity
$14.99
Celebrate the true meaning of the season with an endearing sculptural Christmas pageant. This 9-pc. set includes the Holy Family, the Three Kings, shepherds and an angel played by a variety of dogs of different breeds. Includes Golden Retriever, German Shepherd, Pug, Boxer, Cocker Spaniel and many more. Crafted of polyresin. Figures measure between 2"H and 5"H.

Man tries to force wife to eat feces

MONROE, LA. A Monroe firefighter is arrested and charged for domestic violence. He is accused of attacking his wife Friday and trying to force dog feces in her mouth.

40 year old John "Randy" Jack is out on $4000 after officials say he threw his 22-year old wife Brittany's things out of their home, pinned her onto their bed and tried to force her to eat dog feces.

She was taken into custody and given $1000 after police say she bit her husband on the leg during the fight.

---SkitzLeezra here--------
He is 40, she is 22. According to my mom, one should marry between the 15+/- year old age difference. They are out of range. Mom is right, once again.

Just another day at Sonic

Just another day at Sonic when I spy this guy.
Take a look. Yep, that is a riding mower. With an attached cart. And a dog in the cart.
Life in a small town, yeah, it can be amusing at times.