What are your cell phone rules?

Seems since the cell phone revolution there has been a need to redefine rude behavior.

We all have stories of the most egregious example of cell phone use. My friend John told of a woman reaching for her obnoxiously loud singing ring tone phone during a funeral service and answering it! Last week I observed one board member zone out of listening to the proceedings while texting and seconds later another member reached into her purse to turn off her buzzing phone but read the incoming message before resuming her attention to the subject at hand. But get this, I learned later that the texting member was sending her a message from across the table! WTF?!

Am I the only one to find those behaviors unbelievably inconsiderate?

In a doctor's waiting room, I almost lost it while listening to a chick text on an older phone which requires the user to click each # key to arrive at the correct letter. Example, to type in a "O", she had press the "6" key three times. That's a lot of key pushes to compose a text message, right? Did the fat ugly bitch have her key pad tone turned off? Of course not. I glared at her at first and then resorted to openly staring at her each and every time she did it. Had I ripped her face off (like a crazed and Xanax-drugged chimpanzee), the medical attention wouldn't be far away, I reasoned. Instead I bargained with myself, if she does one more time before the nurse calls me to the examining room, I'll nicely ask her if she would like me to show her how to mute the key pad sound. If she responds in a less than gracious way, then I'll begin the facial transplant.

Here are MY cell phone rules when in quiet settings (church, meetings, meals):

• If you have children, you are allowed to set your phone on vibrate to receive an emergency call.


• If you didn't have a phone 10 years ago, you sat through a boring meeting and sucked it up. Suck it up now.


• If you don't know how to immediately stop a ringing phone, get a youngster to show you how.


• Don't call me from the concert to let me know you're thinking of me. The garbled music and incomprehensible message do not brighten my day. Don't care.


• If I send you an e-mail at midnight causing your smart phone to generate an incoming message sound and it wakes you up, too fucking bad. Learn how to set it to "phone only", dumbass.


• If your phone screen blinds me more than once during a movie, I will throw ice or candy from my mouth at you. I will embarrass myself to call you out, I have no shame and no children so a night in jail is no threat to me.


• I don't care if you talk on your phone while driving as long as you drive safely and at a speed 10 miles over the lawful rate. If I observe weaving or driving in the left hand lane on the interstate (the FAST lane), I will call 911 and report a drunk driver with your license plate number and wildly exaggerate your driving behavior. As far as I'm concerned, you are an impaired driver so let the cops figure it out.

Stop being afraid of road rage and start considering phone rage and how large your (unlubricated) phone is compared to your sphincter muscle.

Have a blessed day now, y'hear?

Turn that frown upside down

I am SO not a sunshiny always happy girl so I really like learning how others cope with minor annoyances and pet peeves.
Louise is a bit of a Luddite and the last person to NOT own a cellphone. She stood in line at the DMV for an hour listening to a guy talking loudly on his cell. Frustrated, she opened her magazine, matched his volume level and began to read aloud. He stopped his call and asked her, "Do you mind?" She said no, I've listened to you for an hour so I thought it was my turn. He returned to his call. She again began the oral story time. He said, "Look, I'll call you back. I can't hear you because some crazy lady is reading out loud. I know, right? Rude." He glared her. She smiled and put away her magazine.
My gal pal Dawn told me the story about her first week working at a very starchy bank where she would greet co-workers entering the elevator. And she was so amazed and taken aback when they wouldn't acknowledge her. I said, "Fuck 'em! What's their deal?" But Dawn has a bit more tenacity. The second day she went forward with the assumption that they didn't hear her the first time and greeted them with a little more volume. Third day, a little louder. Fourth day, the second the elevator doors opened, they greeted HER before she could open her mouth. And she just laughed inside.
It made me a better person to hear that story. Instead of instantly getting mad and writing off someone as rude or inconsiderate, I give them a second (and maybe third) chance for a first impression. A chick in my volunteer organization always seem to shun me. After the third time, I asked her, "Hey, what's the story? Every time I wave at you, you ignore me." She told me that even with eye contacts, she cannot see more than 2 feet away and is constantly trying to pick up the wrong children at the school pick up car lane. Without Dawn's lesson, I would have just chalked her up as a bitch.
Now, if they still aggravate me, I am most definitely gonna jack with them. Like this,
Jennifer Worick of Things I Want to Punch in the Face ranted about those too numerous little subscription cards that fall out of every magazine. I didn't even know there was a name for them: blow-in cards. Here is MY suggested way to cope:

I write the most awful, horrible jokes on them. Jokes I would NEVER say aloud. Then I mail them, all the while laughing that the publisher just paid for the postage and one of their employees will be scarred for life or at least the afternoon. I figure eventually a lawsuit will happen and the employees will get special pay for having to read hateful bile. It's a win/lose/win.

Here's hoping you take that peeve and turn into a perk.
Have a great weekend!