This is just a test

So, Bachelor #1 has now become #1 Boyfriend, what with the exchange of the "L" word plus his gifts of water meter motif stuff and lip balms and all.  Yes, he knows what makes me happy.  Anywho, we were feeling especially close when we both revealed that interests of the past had made recent contact.

I received 2 texts from 2 previous suitors as did he.

"I think men can smell a commitment/challenge," I supposed.

"No, it's a karma test," #1 Boyfriend said.

"What's that," I ask as I tilt my head like a super hearing canine.

"You don't hear from someone until you have someone else in your life.  It is a test to see if you are okay with it."

Check out the deep thought from #1BF!! (Say it like Jules in Pulp Fiction.)

Two texts and phone numbers now deleted from my cell phone.  Yay, Karma!

Lessons from a bachelor

Remembered an observation from Bachelor #23.
When I go on the meet-and-greet dates from online contacts, I ask all the uncomfortable questions.  Get it out there and let's see how it goes. Mind you, I know I am getting a one-sided story. 

Anywho, I asked Bachelor #23 why he thought his marriage failed and what he wanted out of future relationships. 
"Appreciation," he revealed.

Tell me more, I urge.
Bachelor #23 said he gave and gave but his best and consistent care wasn't appreciated and eventually not even acknowledged by his ex-wife. While he elaborated, my mind wandered to past relationships and I understood exactly what he meant.

It's nice to be appreciated.  It feels good.

My wish for you today:
I am hoping you are being appreciated and aware enough to know your blessings.

Dating advice from the bachelors

Remember I told ya that I went on a bunch of dates when I signed on to the dating website?

A couple of seasoned guys actually offered a newbie like me some advice. (NO, jackholes, not what you're thinking!)

Anywho, Bachelor #11 told me to never trust a man who has never married. Hold up, I say, I've never married. Should I not be trusted? Nope, Bachelor #11 explains, any halfway decent guy that isn't even paying attention will have a woman trying to get him down the aisle. If said dude is 40 years old or older and never married, then he has absolutely nothing to offer because he would be taken already.

It kinda makes sense.

Bachelor #19 advised me to not let a guy move in with me. Puh-lease, so not gonna happen but elaborate please, Bachelor #19. He said no real man would need to move in because he would already have his own place. And if he didn't, he's a ne'er-do-well or a moocher. Okay, he didn't actually use the moniker of "ne'er-do-well" but I like seeing it in print.

And Bachelor #1 offered this insight when I told him I needed to tear down the wall that both protects and isolates me.

 "Just use a door," he said, "Let the wall protect you and open the door to who you want."

Cue your favorite Jim Morrison tune now.

Be still, my heart

Bachelor #1 was being sincere and complimentary when he said hanging with me was fun and that I was special.  Being the unromantic wisenheimer that I am, I snorted at the mention of "special".

Catching my reaction, he said, "Don't let any let anyone tell that you can't rock a bike helmet."

~ ~ swoon ~ ~

I loves me a smart ass.

What?

Bachelor #1 and I didn't spend the Independence Day holiday together. We wondered why later. I thought he had plans. He figured I had a family commitment but didn't call because he heard my own damn words I said on our first date "how can I miss you if you don't go away?" in regards to having my space and not being smothered.

So, wait, Bachelor #1 listens and heeds?

He's gonna get kicked out of the Man Club if he keeps that up.

Or I had better watch my flippant attitude. 

Dating observations

Wrote a post called "Another One Bites The Dust" and received supportive comments from Teresa Evangeline, Giddy99 and Louisiana Belle.

Teresa Evangeline said she "took herself out of the dating pool and someone would have to be dropped in her lap or left on her doorstep to make anything even possibly happen."

Well, I said the same exact thing for the last 11 years and absolutely nothing happened.  Read it again, nothing.  Nooooooooothing.  Are we clear? 

And I realized another 11 years would pass unless I became a little more vulnerable, a bit more approachable, a lot less isolated.

It's been an experience, these past few months.  

Thank God I don't daddy issues.  Three, count 'em, three guys were in hot pursuit only to disappear off the face of the earth. 

Chrysanthemum's cyber boyfriend reminds her all men are pigs.  And she and I supposed their only time spent out of the sty was when they pretended to be charming.  But enough of the men bashing.  Believe it or not, my cyber contacts have given me new faith in the other gender.  Plenty of 'em out there looking for real relationships.

I am weary.  Gonna take a hiatus from the dating and blog more.

Come back now, y'hear?

Another one bites the dust

Okay, a tale from my online dating adventures --

Flirted and texted with a guy for a couple weeks.  We met at a local bar where he arrived first and graciously ordered glasses of chardonnay.  Though a fan of red wine, I was impressed by his take-charge attitude and happy to try something new.  The wine was good and as was the conversation.  We found we grew up in the same area.  We shared a couple online dating stories and past relationship history.  Two hours later, we remarked how much fun we had.  A quick kiss and goodnight.  His upcoming weekend was scheduled time with his teenaged daughters.  A few more days of fun flirting via text and then the following weekend is upon us. 

What are your weekend plans, he asked.  

A trip to Destin, Florida to celebrate Chrysanthemum's birthday with friends.  

When are you leaving?  

This afternoon I will drive to Houston to catch a plane.

He said he would love to see just for a minute so he could kiss me goodbye.

Sounds good, he asks me to meet him at 5:00 in the parking lot of a business near both of our workplaces.

5:01 I arrive to the parking lot.  No other cars.

5:05 I sent a "where are you?" text.

5:15 No response.  I leave.

Two hour drive to Houston and delayed flight.  No text, no call.  

Imagining phone issues, getting hung up at work, wanting to know what the hell is going on . . . all the stupid crazy shit that women do . . .I finally send this text a couple days later.

"Hello Rufus.  It's Skitzo.  Are we not talking?  I understand if you couldn't get away Friday but I don't understand the lack of communication.  What am I missing?"

Two days later, he responds with a text.

"Too much to type . . . will have to explain through conversation . . ."

Ok, I send back.  Just making sure you were receiving my texts.

 

NEVER heard from him again.  That was a month and a half ago.

Mind you, better for him to flake early and reveal himself but it is just so curious . . . .

What, dear reader, do YOU suppose happened?

Coming out of my cave

Is there anyone still out there?

Did I stay in my cave too long?

Other demands and commitments have prevented the Skitzo Leezra blog spew but hopefully I've remembered a few things. 

Wanna hear another online dating story?

I had a blind date last night

Say those words and watch everyone's ears prick up. Prick up? Maybe it's "perk" up. Yes. Perk up. That sounds better. Anywho, heads swing toward your blow hole because no one is immune to the curiosity of your first date pronouncement. While you may suppose it is primarily chick talk, married dudes lean in too, I tell ya. Single guys pretend not too listen except they do.

Years ago, a few friends and I attended a New Orleans singles party hosted by the weekly publication Gambit. The party admission required submission of a free classified ad to promote their new dating section. After a few drinks, we composed somewhat amusing postings and they provided a month's entertainment as we listened to the incoming phone responses and compared notes. One guy left an amazing recording with insight, humor and sensitivity then we realized the very same message was left on each of our accounts. We met and even went out with some of our suitors and we compared notes again.

Agreed: most guys lied about their height, everyone thinks themselves to be "somewhat attractive" and most guys say they'll call when they don't know what else to say.

My red headed New Orleans friend told the most amusing stories about her dating adventures with horrible table manners or awkward first kisses. It became habit for her friends and family to expect an interesting anecdote but when she found a true contender for love, it was difficult for her to resign from the dating story business. Her folks wanted to hear about the embarrassing details but she wanted to cherish and enjoy her new beau.

Rarely do my sister RikkiTikkiTavi and I ever disagree but when she blabbed that I've recently begun dating, a boundary was crossed. Her happiness for me is one thing but my privacy is another althoooooough I'm a super hypocrite because who doesn't love hearing about the entertaining and sometimes amusing trials and tribulations of a single girl dating HOWEVER (comma) I don't like it when it's me. In other words, my life ain't a chick flick.

The questions are from every angle -
Where does he work?
How much money does he make?
How did ya'll meet?
Is he a Christian?
How many times has he been married?

None of your damned business and shut up.

Okay, that said, you don't have my permission to ask about my dating schedule HOWEVER, since you stuck with me this far, I will share a recent story.

You're welcome~~

You don't get to know his name, where he works or how we met.

We had a great first date where we met at a bar, had a couple drinks and attended a nearby musical performance. We held hands, laughed and shared short kiss at the end of the night. He held the doors and texted me later to make sure I made it home. He said he enjoyed the evening and wanted to get together the same weekend. A few days went by. No call. Sure, I could've texted him but the more time went by, the more I wondered if he was actually interested. Apparently not. Five weeks went by. Then I saw him at my work place. He said his "phone got jacked" thus, he no longer had my cell phone number and couldn't reach me. (Mind you, he knew where I worked.)

"Call my cell number so I'll have your number again," he asked.

Okaaaaay.

Then, "Let's get together this weekend. How about dinner? Do you like Mexican?"

And I never heard from him again.

Dating fucking sucks.

Do you really want to ask me about my dating life? Do you really want to see my disappointment in the one guy I liked who didn't call but the other guys in whom I have no interest but they can't get enough of Skitzo Leezra? It's the same story since junior high.

The concept of arranged marriage has a certain appeal.

Dating sucks.
Like shit through a straw.

Living the glamorous life of a single girl,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Overheard

one female to another:
"Look, I had sex with the last guy just because he sent me a random text every five days or so . . . so YOU KNOW I have no problem giving it up to my new guy if I thought I'd get an Iphone or a bigger TV out of him."

Worse thing I ever said?

While listening to the Mel Gibson rant filled recordings, I wondered if any of my words would haunt me . . .
Thinking the worst thing I ever said was to the alcoholic ass boyfriend. During a particularly frustrating weekend of arguments, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with both eyes shut.

"What does that mean?" he slurred.

"I just don't understand how you shut both your eyes and sleep, knowing how much I hate you right now. And knowing there's an loaded gun in the house. Knowing those two things proves you're not as smart as you think you are."

I should probably feel ashamed but I don't. Besides, he probably didn't remember hearing it.

As my pastor once asked, what good is suffering? What can come from it?
For me, it is empathy.
I understand why folks can scream hateful words or fantasize about shooting their spouse in the face.

My grandmother said

The best way
to get over a man
is to get
underneath
another one.

Overheard

--crafterbation

--pampered princess parties

Right at the front door of most Target stores is the "Dollar Spot" area, their version of a dollar store's cheap immediate gratification crap, y'know, the stuff you toss in a gift basket. The merchandise is usually seasonal throwaway stuff (pre-landfill) so the merchandise is frequently refreshed.
So, in the store the other night when a couple my age entered and I heard the man say to her, "Go do your look". She moseyed over to the Dollar Spot while he wrangled a shopping cart out of the stacked row.
It touched my heart. He understood her. He knew that stuff makes her happy. And he encouraged her to follow her bliss.
How sweet is that?

The most intimate act

I'm not going to list all the acts you could do with a perfect stranger that you just met but will wager a bet that it won't include one of the most intimate yet very public displays of affection: holding hands.


Folks that privately perform any array of actions in a forbidden or illicit relationship cannot hold hands in public. Think of any shunned pairing (bi-racial, gay, mixed religions) in an intolerant environment; holding hands could invite trouble.
From teenage to old age, it touches my heart to see couples hold hands. It is a proclamation. It's cute, endearing, innocent and yet deep.

Fixer upper

When people first meet me, they find it unbelievable unusual that I am not married or otherwise attached. Interestingly, my oldest friends either accept my single status or know I am better on my own.
Anywho, while hanging out with some new friends, several married chicks quizzed me on my partner checklist. When this line of questioning begins, usually it is a method of determining if someone is "too picky", whatever that means. I don't consider myself "too picky" but my threshold for drama or bullshit is super low because solitary life isn't a negative for me. My standard line is I prefer men who are old, sick and rich.
Okay, back to story. Instead of list of wants, I gave the girls my short list of "deal breaker" characteristics. No addictions, no tobacco, no young kids.
One girl piped up, "But you want a Christian, a man that shares your faith!" I agreed with her but it wasn't quite true. A man of faith is a plus but what if it wasn't quite my particular ilk? A guy of no faith or a different faith would be easier than a guy that wanted to differ my beliefs. I feel that I am tolerant of other's religious beliefs but must admit I am not open minded enough to change mine for someone else.
And maybe the above illustrates a problem. Maybe I conjure clashes when there is none. Maybe I have become so comfortable in my habits and routine that even the thought of sharing faith seems foreign.
Heck, at this point, sharing a remote control is unfathomable to me.

Attraction phases

Jay Thomas wondered aloud why females are attracted to young pale girly looking guys, like teenage movie vampires and English chaps.
Welllllll, it just depends on where she is in her Attraction Ladder.
Never heard of such a thing? That's because I just make it up.
Through a female's life, levels of attraction changes. Hopefully.

1. Daddy
2. Horses
3. Pretty Boys - pale vampires, harmless boy band singers, gay-but-not-yet-aware classmates. These guys are not looking for sex so chick gets a Ken doll without putting out.
   
4. Bad Boys - how better to lose the shame of the Pretty Boy phase than the extreme opposite? Bad Boy to some girls is a tattooed ex-con on a motorcycle but for some girls it's a guy that wears shirts without collars and skips church 3 to 4 times a year. After being repressed with the Pretty Boy, chick is happy to put out for Bad Boy.
5. Good Stable Guy - tired of putting up with Bad Boy's shit, chick now looks for marriage material in a nice normal guy, kinda like Dad.
   

If chick skips a step on the Attraction Ladder, her dating development is screwed and not likely to improve without some major mishaps.
Get stuck on a step 3 and chick will be shocked when her husband of 20 years finally admits he is gay (or a vampire or both.)
And we all know the chick that got knocked up by the rat bastard lying and cheating Bad Boy, hung around to pop out another 4 kids and now she's stuck.

Respect the Ladder. And watch your step.

With you but thinking of someone else

everyone here
knows that everyone here

is thinking 'bout somebody else

"Back 2 Good" by Matchbox 20

The song is about being with someone you don't love and realizing the ramifications later but it also makes me think about how many times I've wished that I were with someone other than my present company.
When I was a teen, I imagined being on vacation, standing on a Colorado mountain with my boyfriend instead of my family.
The angst of my local boyfriends not being my New York crush of all time.
College beaus that weren't another guy I really wanted.
Vacations with friends that could be imagined with the missing part of my heart.
Christmas and New Year's celebrations in the right setting but with the wrong person.
Though I've lived alone for over 20 years, I never felt so lonely as the time I sat in a noisy French Quarter bar holding the hand of my boyfriend of 2 years while New Orleans Saints fans cheered and partied at the thought of finally going to the playoffs in the 1991 Wild Card game. He wasn't THE ONE and I had known for quite a while. At the time, I didn't even know WHO I wanted, I just knew it wasn't him.
Thinking about that today, perhaps feeling a bit hormonal, makes me sad.
If you are with the person that you would hope were there, you are blessed.
If not, change it.
For me, sometimes nobody is better than somebody.

Wisdom from my brother Rollo

My poor brother Rollo gets all my calls for help. This single girl can fish a small snake out of the pool but Rollo has been put into service to retrieve a larger snake and even a thoughtlessly released hamster. (It looked like a dead rat but happily, a live and grateful hamster.) I digress.

After hurricane Rita, it was Rollo scrambling on my roof as we attached a temporary tarp. Rollo hooked up my ceiling fan. Rollo rescued me twice this year, once when my truck slid off the road and got stuck in mud and later, when my battery died. Poor guy. He's not married but still doing all that stuff for his sister. And contrary to what you may think, bothering him frustrates me. I try not to ask others to do things I can do myself.

Aggravated by being forced to ask for his help yet again, I once remarked that maybe I should be married because my husband would be there. Drawing upon his once married experience, Rollo remarked that even if I did have a husband it didn't guarantee that my husband would do the things I needed when I needed. He imparted some wisdom gold that day. It's true. My married friends constantly bitch that their husbands don't perform the barest minimum of tasks so why would I presume that my experience would be any different? It stopped me from idealizing marriage, even if for only the honey-do lists.

All these years of being single and doing (mostly) everything alone would give a greater appreciation of a help mate. Can you read between the lines on that one? No? Okay, dummy: Dude does for me. I would do for dude.

My single friend Maura and I discussed that very thing but neither one of us are quite ready for commitment. She and I have concocted the perfect plan. We will both date a tradesman and then pass them on to the other. She dates a plumber, I'll date an electrician. Six months later, we'll switch then later it's a pool guy and a carpenter. We'll be nice, they'll be handy and nobody is hurt.

Quote of the day

Marriage is like being in a horrible car accident

where you've lost both of your legs

except when you recover,

you get this really cool van to drive around in.

--courtesy of Jay Thomas, as heard on his Sirius XM satellite radio show

Stupid crap women do, like me

While in college, I kinda sneered at the girls looking for husbands and wanting their MRS degree. Having no interest in marrying early, I enjoyed being the "cool girl" - the one that could match every beer with the guys, laugh and have a good time. Several years ago, my friends and I were looking at photos and they spied one of me at a sorority/fraternity exchange where the theme was pajama party. Being the wisenheimer, I wore red long johns with the drop seat. It NEVER occurred to me to wear lingerie, sheer and frilly. Slutty wasn't my look. My friends laughed at the photo and I realized those girls knew something I didn't. ~OR perhaps I was rejecting the guys before they could reject me?
So later in my dating years, I heard guys disparage the "needy" girls. Speaking the truth but also thinking it would make a guy comfortable, I would do the whole I-don't-need-a-guy spiel. What I didn't know then but I know now is: every girl suffers from Cinderella syndrome, y'know, where the guy rescues the vulnerable girl? Don't argue with me on this. Think of every chick flick and all those Disney movies. But here is the key part of the puzzle and the part that gets overlooked. GUYS suffer from the hero complex. They want to think they are saving the little lady. Super heroes, comic book characters, the list goes on and on. So I totally sabotaged myself by letting guys know that I didn't need saving. I hear guys say that want an independent woman but not sure if it is the truth. Independent to a point.
Here is the wisdom I hope to impart to you today ~~

everyone wants to be wanted,

everyone needs to be needed.

Learning the lesson way too late,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra