Please resusitate these words

Use these words as much as you can as to reinvigorate increased usage.

• glove box
• I swan or I swanee
• dungarees
• tore up (as in, distressed)
• ice box
• pocket book
• necking
• petting
• familiar ("the new preacher was too familiar with the females")
• forward ("she is so forward in her social interactions")
• foundation garment
• notions
• nary a one
• directly (as in, "I will get back to ya directly")
• enjoy ("oh, my, how I have enjoyed this pair of shoes")
• proud ("we'd be proud to have you over tomorrow")
• bless your heart
• fair to middlin'
• hissy fit
• much obliged

Do your own version of "green" and shut the hell up

What is your definition of green?
Eco friendly?
Tree hugger?
Sierra Club member?
Conservationist?
Drinker of Al Gore's KoolAid?


Would you take Sheryl Crow's recommendation and wipe with just one square of toilet paper? Or be like Cameron Diaz and turn off the water while you shave? Do you own a eco car?

Myself? I don't consider myself very green but I
* refrain from using paper towels and plates.
* recycle cans even though my city has scrapped curbside recycling. My friendly local can picker collects a bag o' cans from me once a week. Sure, it makes me feel good to help him but I really like the idea that aluminum cans aren't going straight to my garbage can. But MOSTLY, I don't want to bother with collecting cans.
* donate magazines to my local library. They sell donated books and magazines and the proceeds go to library programs.
* try to use old fashioned cleaning products like baking soda, vinegar and lemon.
* line dry as much laundry as possible.

What don't I do?
* Tell others what to do.
* Agonize about my carbon footprint.
* Care if anyone drives a SUV.
* Be a hyprocrite like Al Bore.
* Wipe with one square.
* Convert to fluroscent bulbs. Why? I like golden glow of incandescent. I like paying more for electrial use. Anyone know what those fluroscent bulbs contain? Mercury. Are you safely recycling YOUR newfangled more expensive bulbs?

Just do your own damn version of green. And then shut the hell up about it. Think of the benefit to global warming by shutting that hot air machine below your nose.

I Feel Sorry for Lindsay Lohan

Just think back to the day when you were younger. The years between seventeen and say, late twenties. Raging hormones. Add easy access to alcohol. Readily available drugs. Oh, and on top of that, lots and lots of money. And a lifestyle that caters to YOU. Toss in permissive and narcissistic parent 1 and alcoholic jailbird parent 2.
It is a rare bird that WOULDN'T be a mess.
Each time I see another report about Lindsay's antics and bad behavior, I thank God that I did not have that combination. Heck, I am glad that we did not have cellular phones with cameras!

Underage drinking? Check.
Driving under the influence? Check.
Dancing on a barroom speaker? Check.
Bad drunken decisions? Check.
All the other stuff? No, thankfully.

Did you ever take that self assessment alcoholic test? After reading it while in college and it scaring the crap out of me, I abstained from drinking for a semester. Until then, I took pride in the fact that I could match drink to drink with my guy friends. Okay, back to the test. Put yourself at Lindsay's age and answer honestly.

1. Are you unable to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks?
WHY WOULD I STOP?
2. Do you need a drink to get motivated?
MOTIVATED TO DANCE, YES.
3. Do you often forget what happened while you were "partying" (have blackouts)?
DUUUUUUUDE.
4. Do you drink or "party" alone?
NO.
5. Have others annoyed you by criticizing your alcohol use?
LET GO OF THE BEER BONG, LEEZRA!
6. Have you been involved in fights with your friends or family while you were drunk?
NO.
7. Have you done or said anything while drinking that you later regretted?
OR TELL COMPLETE STRANGERS THAT THEIR WARDROBE LOOKS LIKE A REPLAY OF SOLID GOLD DANCERS?
OR ASK THE GAL WEARING A RED LEOTARD AND BLACK BELT IF SHE HAD A MIRROR IN HER HOUSE?
CAN ANYONE ANSWER NO TO THIS ONE?
8. Have you destroyed or damaged property while drinking?
AW, HELL YEAH! (giggle)
9. Do you drive while drunk?
GUILTY
10. Have you been physically hurt while drinking?
PARTY BRUISES!
11. Have you been in trouble with the school authorities or police because of your drinking?
CLOSE.
12. Have you dropped or chosen friends based on their drinking habits?
YEP.
13. Do you think you are a normal drinker despite your friends' comments that you drink too much?
NO, MY FRIENDS DRINK ALOT TOO.
14. Have you ever missed classes, work or other important events because you were too hung over to get up on time?
HEL-LO?
15. Have you ever done poorly on an exam or assignment because of drinking?
YEP.
16. Do you think about drinking a lot?
YES, THIS TEST IS MAKING WANT A BEER.
17. Do you feel guilty or self-conscious about your drinking?
NOT UNTIL NOW.

That was the younger me. The answers have changed. But the time between then and now is not the fodder of gossip magazines. How sad to grow up with the entire world watching you. I don't judge Lindsay but I do feel sorry for her.

http://www.pamf.org/teen/risk/alcohol/quiz.html

How hungry would you have to be?

To eat Vienna sausages?
Yesterday, while listening to the Whatever Girls on Sirius radio, callers described their favorite canned food. (I know, I know, a lame subject but my driving commute is about 4 minutes.) Anywho, a caller said that she really enjoyed what I heard to be "those veiny sausages". Ugh! I am thinking something gross like hog head cheese or some other fancy schmancy acquired taste food. Alas, no. This chick meant VIENNA sausages. THAT's gross but even worse was the mental image of veiny sausages in that oh-too-awful-human-flesh color that canned sausages impart.
(I just gagged.)
And I am not even going to the idea that they resemble baby penises.
So, just passing on the joy that has plagued me since yesterday.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hungry?

Favorite stuff

Khaki pants

Tretorn sneakers

Zero Halliburton luggage

Khaki shorts

Vintage watches

Charm bracelets

Plaid

Tartan

Gingham

Cute skirts

Cotton pajama pants

Old soft t-shirts

Shirtdresses

Burberry trenchcoats

LL Bean totes

Just another day at Sonic

Just another day at Sonic when I spy this guy.
Take a look. Yep, that is a riding mower. With an attached cart. And a dog in the cart.
Life in a small town, yeah, it can be amusing at times.

Ready to retire NOW

Today, this old fuck at the gym told me "enjoy my working years 'cause you sure will miss them when I retired".
ARE YOU eFF'in KIDDING ME, aging exerciser?
I have worked since I was 10 years old! My dear dad refused to allow brother Rollo and I to loll the summers away. We were expected to find odd jobs, weeding flowerbeds, painting fences. Later it was babysitting for me. When I turned 15 and able to drive (this is Louisiana, folks), Dad told me to get a job or he would find one. I figured babysitting would suffice ,um, nope. Next thing I knew I was told to report to McDonald's because Dad's buddy, the McD franchise owner, gave me a job. Never mind that I didn't WANT to work at McD's. Ugh! So I lasted a month or two before I called in sick and was caught. Dad was disgusted with me. Whatever.
I'll bore you with the next 2 summers another time.
How much longer do I have to work before I retire??? Just my luck, I won't make it.
Wish I had the presence of mind to tell the gym old codger that if he missed working, that his life plan was defective. Dumb ass. He probably just missed boring co-workers with his mouth.
My aunt just retired and I told her that if I caught her complaining about it that I would kick her in the hip.

Wanting to be a stay-at-home mom and wife,
without the children and husband,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra

Please add these words to your vocabulary

Palcohol - your buddy when one or both of you are drinking or drunk but not a person you would like while sober.

Prostitot - a young girl dressed like a junior whore (see: Bratz dolls) whose ensemble usually includes, but not limited to, leopard prints, "Juicy" or other quasi-sexual messages printed on buttocks, red satin, t-shirts printed with "Daddy's Little Girl". Pretty much describes every girl photographed at Glamour Shots.

Bastard factory - unwed mother of two children or more, all with different fathers.

Mastubatory - description of an act giving pleasure to only the performer. Though originally used as a sexual term, can also be used to describe amateur guitar solos, spoken word performers and serious karaoke freaks.

You can be TOO good at a job

Early career lesson: You can be too good at a job
While in high school, I worked at a steak house restaurant. The entry level job was Coffee Girl. Coffee Girl walks around the restaurant and asks if you would like coffee, prepares such beverage and tries to look busy when the manager instructs her to offer coffee every three minutes. Round and round the floor I would travel, interrupting diners to ask, AGAIN, "would you like coffee?" In short time, one learned the subtle cues, like eye contact and body language. The trick was to ascertain the cues but still look as if you are asking each and every diner.
Thankfully a new chick was hired and I was able to retire the Coffee Girl laps.

The next step up was Salad Bar Girl. Really, this was a shit job but it was a step towards the more desired level of Order Taker Girl with Microphone. I decided to kick ass on the salad bar so as to get to the desired microphone. I filled in empty containers, fluffed salad, wiped and wiped and wiped spills. The worst part of salad bar duty was clearing the bar after closing. At hunch back posture. Coffee Girl was gone, Order Girl was gone and I have 20 feet of food and ice to make disappear. Alone. So, with no help, I wrapped food, poured endless gallons of hot water and wiped and wiped and wiped.
But hope was around the corner. Newer Coffee Girl hired so New Coffee Girl is next up to take over salad bar.
WooHoo! First night at the microphone! I am shining. My uniform does not have bleu cheese stains. My big job is to replenish cheese cake and Jell-O desserts.
Until.
Until new Salad Bar Girl flounders. Cute but trampy former Coffee Girl cannot seem to maintain salad bar in a timely manner. Salad is low, the counter is a mess and at least 12 items are low. During a lull on the microphone, the manager asks me to assist Salad Girl. I jump in, being full of teamwork attitude, ask her what she needs. Her big eyes look at me in wonder. Which items are low? You don't know? Go look. She tells me three items. I look. More like thirteen now. I instruct her to write down the items, go to the supply refrigerator and pull the items meanwhile I tidy the area. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally I go to see what the hold-up was.
Little BITCH is calling out orders. What the HELL? The manager tells me that Little Bitch just cannot seem to keep up the salad bar and would I mind taking over for the evening? I am PISSED. Will I have to do break down? Oh, no, he said, she will help you.
He lied. She leaves, I am doing the food sling again. I ask him if she will return to salad bar. Of course.
Next day, guess who is working salad bar? Guess who is New Order Taker with Microphone? You are so smart. Smarter than a 15 year old me.
The life lesson smacks me on the head: YOU CAN BE TOO GOOD AT A JOB.
Little Bitch is happy and bubbly. Manager is happy. Old Salad Girl is bitter. As the night goes on, Old Salad Girl's inner rage boils. Manager actually DARES to utter one minor critique of appearance of salad bar.
Old Salad Girl loses it. She does the unthinkable and shovels a piece of cheesecake in her mouth while shivering in walk in 'frig. She slings food. She curses. She gathers lettuce. She scoops out jalapeno peppers. And then she stops.
That's IT. It helps her deal with her unspent anger. She actually grins. She finds her inner peace and takes a long cleansing breath. Her eyes sting a little as the jalapeno juice is poured from a gallon bucket to coat the perfectly cut lettuce. Back to the salad bar, the manager smiles as the bountiful greens are filled. Salad girl smiles back.
In just minutes, a diner motions to her and asks for a glass of water. "Something in the salad is really HOT and spicy."
"Sure," she says, "I will tell the Coffee Girl to bring some water right away."
She sees Coffee Girl but says nothing. And smiles.

Play fair OR Life ain't fair

Which is it?
One of the first lessons you learn in life is to play fair. Rules are set. Herd mentality is in place. Shame is instilled. "Y'all play fair now, y'hear?"
Just as soon as your young mind subscribes to the whole concept of fairness, you learn to yell, "Hey, no fair!" You let the words fly because you trust that it means something. You believe that the authority will correct it. Why else would they constantly cram fairness down your throat?
So the day you and your pals yell out is the same day that some old geezer drops this little gem: Life Ain't Fair. And he snickers. AT us. Life Ain't Fair, kid.

What?
And the more you yell foul, the more you hear this utterance.
What the hell?
So what exactly are you saying? I DON'T have to follow the rules? I DON'T have to be a good sport? I SHOULD take every advantage? As a teacher and coach, you AREN'T going to set an example and stand for fairness? You are just going to sit there and say nothing?

The lesson sucked but it was a good one. But the lesson was that adults would expect you to behave a certain way and then when you wanted reciprocation, you were told to grow up.

So I grew up. I stopped being a good sport. I booed other teams. I accepted every advantage.

And when I hear kids shout "hey, no fair" I say it in my head but try my best not to say it aloud. Life Ain't Fair, kid.