Watch out for geese!

At 5:00 AM yesterday morning I was driving to the gym when I spied something dark on the street. Judging by the height of the dark shadow, I omitted a dead dog or cat. When my headlights aligned with the middle of a four way stop sign intersection, I could have sworn I saw the outline of a goose. As I approached I was struck by the stillness of the bird. That goose is not even scared of a vehicle, I thought.
When I stopped at the sign I then realized that the figure was indeed a goose, albeit a concrete goose. Some wisenheimer placed a nearly three foot high lawn ornament in the middle of intersection. I gotta tell ya, it tickled me. The prankster perfectly situated the goose so that it was in the dead center. If you were traveling at a safe speed and manner, the goose posed no threat. Wishing I had my camera I drove on.
An hour later, I had my camera phone in hand and was anticipating a dark but funny photograph to share with you people. Alas, no. Just a couple of concrete fragments and a scratch in the road. Wait, there's the goose, on its side, laying in the grass. Why did the goose cross the road?
Then I saw two thin lines of liquid on each side of the scratch. Hmmmm. I followed the fluid trail to a house near mine. A car and a truck were parked in the front. Did one of those hit the goose?

So, lesson of the day: Even if a concrete goose shouldn't be in the middle of the street, that doesn't mean you shouldn't look for one. Ya'll be careful now, hear?



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Returned for photo

The Sears Wish Book Game

As a child of the 1970's, there was nothing I enjoyed more than the hours and hours I spent poring over each page of the Sears Wish Book. It was like toy porn for children. Even the boy stuff was interesting. Plus you could find your favorite Christmas dresses and pajamas.

The Sears Wish Book eventually led to my own little game. Starting in the children's toy section, I would study each page and select one, and only one item from each page. Even if I wanted everything on the page, only one item was allowed. If nothing on the page was of interest, still one item must be selected.

I coerce my friends to play a version of the game while in art galleries or visiting museums. With the ground rule set of either picking from each room or each wall, we begin. If you select art based on value, well then, you suck. A whole room of nothing but crap? You GOTTA pick ONE. It is perfectly acceptable if you say that you would give the ashen Picasso guitar people to your mother-in-law as a Christmas gift because it reminds you of her cigarette puffing self. You have to select but you do not have to keep.

This little game has developed my "eye". I can stand at the entry of an antique store, separate the wheat from the chaffe and sense whether it is worth my time to enter. While my taste is disparate and my decor is eclectic, rarely does anything "grow" on me. I either like it or I don't and I know it immediately.

And for God's sake, don't ask me if I like something if you aren't prepared for the answer.

The OTHER reason he wears that

Other than a man's wife marking him with unappealing clothing, there is another reason a man wears goofy or dated apparel. If a male gets a compliment on his clothing from someone he LIKES or RESPECTS, he will wear that item or something just like it for the remainder of his life. Occasionally, the influential female may be a sister or wife, but not usually. Mothers? Never.
Could be that, when he was 14 years old, his girlfriend told him that he looked yummy in that hoodie sweatshirt. A sexy co-worker may have said that she loved men that wear red ties.
A man once told me that males remember every negative thing that a woman tells them. That simply cannot be. I think it is the opposite. In MY opinion, men are seldom the receiver of compliments so they remember every one.

Compliment the men in your lives. Just be careful what you say.

Why Is That Man Wearing THAT Shirt, answered

That guy seems nice. He seems normal. And he seems somewhat intelligent.

So why the hell is that wearing that shirt? The one that kinda looks like powder room wallpaper or a beach house pillow? Does it have a repeating "retro" motif of cars or surf boards* or daiquiri glasses? Come hither, my ignorant friend, and SkitzoLeezra will impart "That Shirt" knowledge.

A. Look closer. See the wedding ring? That poor slob is wearing that shirt because his wife bought it for him. She LIKES it. The print reminds her of the cute border wallpaper that wants to use in the downstairs bathroom. The print is FUN. She has a page just like it in her vacation scrapbook. And she can shortcut the decor redo by donning her man in the feminine print shirt. Plus, all the guys at country club wear them so they must be popular.

B. This part may not even be apparent to said wife. She may not even KNOW this part. By selecting the wallpaper print shirt from the Tommy Bahama department or Columbia store, she is putting her mark on her man. That mark says "Keep away. This man is taken. The almost girly print is an indicator this man is off the market." The shirt is the apparel equivalent of a mini-van or neuter hormone.

Ask that guy if his wife bought the shirt. When he says yes, just smile and say "of course she did and she must love you very much."

The other wives will compliment him on his shirt. He thinks they are checking him out. Naw, they are asking the wife where to find one just like it for their man.

*THAT shirt does not include true retro, vintage Hawaiian shirts worn by hipsters.

Fashion or Lack Thereof Explained Here

Fashion fades. Style is eternal.

See that woman with the heavily hairsprayed 'do? Wearing too heavy eyeliner? Take a closer look. Is it the 1950's beehive or the late 1980's vertical bang claw? How old would you judge her to be? Can you rule out a costume party or an ironic sense of style? There, now, you are getting closer to the conclusion.

Women usually get stuck in a fashion bubble

that represents the time

that they were the happiest.

Transcript of DIPP meeting (Drooling Idiot Prevention Plan)

Discussion begun by SkitzoLeezra:
Hello All,
I have not much of a rant today but more of an observation. God has LET me believe that I don't desire children. I think it is part of his plan to keep me from harming "our future".
(Thanks to Kay for "Raising Children is like being Pecked to Death by Chickens" refrigerator magnet!)
They should rename Target the "Store of Screaming Brats". Last night, every doggone aisle had screaming, whining and loud talking children. I couldn't escape them and am one step from crazy lady status because I caught myself murmuring "shut UP, shut up".
Then this morning I walked right into a closed door. Sprang out of bed with the clock alarm blaring and bounced off the door. Thank goodness I didn't break my nose but I bet that was a funny sight.
Which brings me to this, I need to make a pact with a couple of you. Need to find a partner to make sure that I off myself before I become a drooling idiot. I will start stockpiling medication and pills if you assure me that you'll help me make sure that I ingest them before I get too senile to remember.
My seamstress lady told me that you know you are getting old and losing it when you put unrefrigerated items in the refrigerator. Ruh ro. I did that. Recently. THEN yesterday I hear that Alzheimer's may begin DECADES before obvious symptoms appear.
It is matter of months before the cat ends up in the 'frig.
Childless, by intelligent design,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra
---------------
The floor recognizes Miss diephenna:
RESOLVED: Since the women in my family kill their men young and live to a ripe old bitter age, imposing on remaining family, and
RESOLVED: since I, too, am childless by well-considered choice and
RESOLVED: consequently will have no family on which to impose when I hit my 90's (with another decade or two to go until the Final Reward),
THEREFORE I'm totally in on that Drooling Idiot Prevention Plan (that would be DIPP).

Hey, if we can gather up enough folks who are game, we could throw a party with Jim Jones Kool-Aid and make an afternoon of it! Medicated Jell-o shots, anyone?
Can someone shout, "Amen"? (amens heard)
Did you know that mad cow disease (or KJD, whatever the human version is) can masquerade as Alzheimer's? Maybe, Leezra, you're feeling decrepit because all that bone meal you've been gardening with has given you mad cow disease. Pwwwaaaaa haaaaaa aaaaaaa. (Laughing at the idea of you gardening with bone meal; NOT the idea of you with mad cow disease, and certainly NOT the idea of a cat in the refrigerator, which would be a very very bad thing.) But come to think of it, mad cow disease WOULD explain the bumping-into-doors thing.
Miss d, who stands to live, unwillingly and incompetently, into triple digits

Discussion continues with Kay's time at the podium:
I'm keepin' it simple since you bitches articulate on a much higher level than me. See? . . . I don't even think that makes since!

1. I'm in for digesting any kind of pharmaceuticals to avoid DIPP.

2. Personally, I want to "free" myself way before 90 . . . my cue will be when I start getting over-ripe tomato peel skin. You know . . . the kind that bruises way too easy.

And Leezra - I see nothin' wrong with keeping your pussy cold.

With a show of hands, Dawn concurs with the recommendation:
I can't agree more with the DIPP plan, I'm SO IN!!!
A guy in my band works for a cyanide plant (not sure if I'm making that up but I remember asking him if he could get me some for my future). He looked at me confused and told me all I needed was a .38. I thought he was being insensitive. The last thing I need is a clumsy spasm that leaves me alive and faceless. Nah, I want to do it right.
Will begin the garage sale hunt for the perfect DIPP jar. I think I should start soon because, like Leezra I'm showing early signs of senility.
Have any of you seen (Grey Gardens) that documentary about Jackie O's crazy aunts? You've GOT to get it. It proves that you can be crazy with other crazy people and live in harmony. Leezra, get your sofa bed ready!

Skitzo Leezra clarifies the proposed DIPP plan:
Ya know how old ladies collect loose buttons in a jar? Well, us bitches need to start a DIPP med jar.
LOVIN' the idea of us slurpin' up some Guyana juice Jell-O shots. What a way to go.
I'm gonna leave my goodbye message etched on the lawn, spelled out with gasoline.
Crepe-y eyes,
not yet watery,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra

Miss diephenna assigns tasks:
Hey, let's start an agenda:
Step One: Dawn scours garage sales for DIPP jar.
Step Two: Everyone saves appropriate medications for DIPP jar.
Step Three: Set DIPP JellO date. (We can delegate specific JellO tasks as the date nears.)
Step Four: Stop by gas station for lawn message
Step Five: Suck down the shots and TGIO ("O" = Over)

Lynn provides seal of approval:
Leezra, I will happily be there with you in our twilight years, wearing a gorgeous satin bed jacket and sipping sherry. Who cares if we are drooling....we will be free of dependents.

E Coli Salad or Moldy Cola? Which Will Get Me To My Goal Weight?

E coli was detected in a bag of salad greens recently. That kind of food scare doesn't faze me. Heck, from an early age, I ingested cookie dough and cake batter with raw eggs. Still do. Ask me how many times it has made me sick. That's right, never.
So the salad recall got me to thinking, which is worse: a bit of e.coli in your salad mix or drinking out of a moldy drink cup that was rinsed in semi-hot water?
Would a mold-infused soft drink result in sickness? Weight loss? Dramatic weight loss? In time for the weekend?
Cool.

Please resusitate these words

Use these words as much as you can as to reinvigorate increased usage.

• glove box
• I swan or I swanee
• dungarees
• tore up (as in, distressed)
• ice box
• pocket book
• necking
• petting
• familiar ("the new preacher was too familiar with the females")
• forward ("she is so forward in her social interactions")
• foundation garment
• notions
• nary a one
• directly (as in, "I will get back to ya directly")
• enjoy ("oh, my, how I have enjoyed this pair of shoes")
• proud ("we'd be proud to have you over tomorrow")
• bless your heart
• fair to middlin'
• hissy fit
• much obliged

Do your own version of "green" and shut the hell up

What is your definition of green?
Eco friendly?
Tree hugger?
Sierra Club member?
Conservationist?
Drinker of Al Gore's KoolAid?


Would you take Sheryl Crow's recommendation and wipe with just one square of toilet paper? Or be like Cameron Diaz and turn off the water while you shave? Do you own a eco car?

Myself? I don't consider myself very green but I
* refrain from using paper towels and plates.
* recycle cans even though my city has scrapped curbside recycling. My friendly local can picker collects a bag o' cans from me once a week. Sure, it makes me feel good to help him but I really like the idea that aluminum cans aren't going straight to my garbage can. But MOSTLY, I don't want to bother with collecting cans.
* donate magazines to my local library. They sell donated books and magazines and the proceeds go to library programs.
* try to use old fashioned cleaning products like baking soda, vinegar and lemon.
* line dry as much laundry as possible.

What don't I do?
* Tell others what to do.
* Agonize about my carbon footprint.
* Care if anyone drives a SUV.
* Be a hyprocrite like Al Bore.
* Wipe with one square.
* Convert to fluroscent bulbs. Why? I like golden glow of incandescent. I like paying more for electrial use. Anyone know what those fluroscent bulbs contain? Mercury. Are you safely recycling YOUR newfangled more expensive bulbs?

Just do your own damn version of green. And then shut the hell up about it. Think of the benefit to global warming by shutting that hot air machine below your nose.

I Feel Sorry for Lindsay Lohan

Just think back to the day when you were younger. The years between seventeen and say, late twenties. Raging hormones. Add easy access to alcohol. Readily available drugs. Oh, and on top of that, lots and lots of money. And a lifestyle that caters to YOU. Toss in permissive and narcissistic parent 1 and alcoholic jailbird parent 2.
It is a rare bird that WOULDN'T be a mess.
Each time I see another report about Lindsay's antics and bad behavior, I thank God that I did not have that combination. Heck, I am glad that we did not have cellular phones with cameras!

Underage drinking? Check.
Driving under the influence? Check.
Dancing on a barroom speaker? Check.
Bad drunken decisions? Check.
All the other stuff? No, thankfully.

Did you ever take that self assessment alcoholic test? After reading it while in college and it scaring the crap out of me, I abstained from drinking for a semester. Until then, I took pride in the fact that I could match drink to drink with my guy friends. Okay, back to the test. Put yourself at Lindsay's age and answer honestly.

1. Are you unable to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks?
WHY WOULD I STOP?
2. Do you need a drink to get motivated?
MOTIVATED TO DANCE, YES.
3. Do you often forget what happened while you were "partying" (have blackouts)?
DUUUUUUUDE.
4. Do you drink or "party" alone?
NO.
5. Have others annoyed you by criticizing your alcohol use?
LET GO OF THE BEER BONG, LEEZRA!
6. Have you been involved in fights with your friends or family while you were drunk?
NO.
7. Have you done or said anything while drinking that you later regretted?
OR TELL COMPLETE STRANGERS THAT THEIR WARDROBE LOOKS LIKE A REPLAY OF SOLID GOLD DANCERS?
OR ASK THE GAL WEARING A RED LEOTARD AND BLACK BELT IF SHE HAD A MIRROR IN HER HOUSE?
CAN ANYONE ANSWER NO TO THIS ONE?
8. Have you destroyed or damaged property while drinking?
AW, HELL YEAH! (giggle)
9. Do you drive while drunk?
GUILTY
10. Have you been physically hurt while drinking?
PARTY BRUISES!
11. Have you been in trouble with the school authorities or police because of your drinking?
CLOSE.
12. Have you dropped or chosen friends based on their drinking habits?
YEP.
13. Do you think you are a normal drinker despite your friends' comments that you drink too much?
NO, MY FRIENDS DRINK ALOT TOO.
14. Have you ever missed classes, work or other important events because you were too hung over to get up on time?
HEL-LO?
15. Have you ever done poorly on an exam or assignment because of drinking?
YEP.
16. Do you think about drinking a lot?
YES, THIS TEST IS MAKING WANT A BEER.
17. Do you feel guilty or self-conscious about your drinking?
NOT UNTIL NOW.

That was the younger me. The answers have changed. But the time between then and now is not the fodder of gossip magazines. How sad to grow up with the entire world watching you. I don't judge Lindsay but I do feel sorry for her.

http://www.pamf.org/teen/risk/alcohol/quiz.html