Funniest rant ever

Mel Gibson tells his whore/baby mama, "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

What would be my retort?
"Dude, you'll need to rearrange your list with the first priority of making damn sure you pull out all my teeth!"

Warp speed ahead

Only in the past few years did I learn that anger comes from hurt and for someone with lots of untapped anger, I realize that I rarely acknowledge hurt feelings before it travels at warp speed to anger. These days , I try to slow down the process to better learn which buttons are pushed and how to resolve my feelings.

Someone once explained that the Cancer horoscope sign is a crab because we are easily hurt, thus, we form a tough shell to protect ourselves. Duh. That is so me.

But I gotta tell ya, anger feels better than hurt.

To me, hurt is like a helpless victim where anger is a kick-ass bitch.

Oil spill in your neighborhood?

It sucks to feel powerless while in the path of hurricane but preparation, packing and worry act as distractions. The BP oil spill is a new combination of worry and lack of control. Vacations along the Gulf coast are canceled, seafood is becoming scarce and no one really knows what the economic fallout will be.
What would the BP oil spill do to your neck of the woods? Click on THIS LINK to see the impact to your neighborhood, county and state.

Louisiana, defined

Yesterday, my radio boyfriend Jay Thomas described the current events about the British Petroleum oil leak, the multitudes of lawyers soliciting along the Gulf Coast and payout deals being made here in Louisiana to fishermen and other related tradespeople by BP for lost but anticipated income. The problem is, more than a few of those folks were under reporting their income to IRS but over-estimating missed income to BP and will now be hit with higher income taxes on the compensation and perhaps an unwelcome audit.
To sum it up, Jay said, "Louisiana, it's just like Appalachia . . . but with crawfish."

Louisiana artwork by Stan Routh

Can you ear me now?

Yesterday, I was talking to my 6 year old nephew Gregory as he began to walk away.
"Hey, I'm still talking to you."
"I'm just walking, Leezra, I can hear you. I still have my ears on," he replied.

Huh?

Anyone else wonder

exactly where her right hand is placed?

Does his facial expression reveal a clue?

Just askin'.

(image: yahoo updates)

This is America

My life partner TiVo found a PBS documentary about the New Orleans Vietnamese community and their struggle before, during and after hurricane Katrina called "Independent Lens:A Village Called Versailles".
Culturally, their work ethic and self-sufficiency served them well in rebuilding after the hurricane but their quiet flying-beneath-the-radar way of life made them targets of a proposed land grab and an "emergency" landfill. Watch the documentary to see the best and worst of what America has to offer and a unique perspective of immigrant culture.
Here's a short youtube clip.

Outta the mouth of Mom

My mom, dad and brother attended my nephew's junior high band's spring performance last night. As we made our way to the exit, I saw my mom taking in the crowd. She turned to me and uttered an absolute gem, "These people people need to take vitamins."

For a split second, I was confused but an instant later, I got it.

"They look like they all have rickets, right?" I asked.

"Exactly."

Giving back

Kittie Howard, over at The Block, awarded a few blog awards last March and offered an opportunity to vie for a gift card. It was the same week I learned of many local struggling non-profits in my area so instead of competing to win an unexpected gift for reading her great blog which is a gift in itself, I dropped out of the game by suggesting a contribution to a non-profit. Before you think me to be completely selfless and wonderful, you should know that Kittie gave a Salvation Army donation last December; $1 for each of her followers so it just natural that I would think of a gift to serve many instead of one.
And wouldn't you know it, the idea caught on. Kittie opened the forum to voting and her readers went for it. Not one reader whined for a gift card for themselves.
Fast forward to last week when Kittie's blog reached 100 followers which became a perfect time to announce her contribution to a Louisiana animal shelter and she included me in the explanation.
What a nice example Kittie is! The word my mom would use is "a jewel". It fits Kittie.
So, here's my challenge to you. While you might not have $106 to spare, non-profits of every ilk are suffering in our new economy and even the smallest contribution can help. My local food bank or homeless shelter can always use jars of peanut butter, cans of tuna and even tubes of toothpaste. Throw an extra item in your grocery cart when you can and drop it by your local mission or food bank.

Here is a list of items that any animal shelter would gladly accept:
Clorox Bleach
Fabric Softener
Rubbing Alcohol
Distilled Water
Kitchen Garbage Bags
55 Gallon Garbage Bags
33 Gallon Garbage Bags
Cat Litter
Purina Cat Chow
Purina Puppy Chow
PineSol
Lysol Spray
Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Bathroom Cleaner
Paper Towels
Toilet Paper
Windex Glass Cleaner
Dishwashing Liquid
Hand Sanitizer
Rice
Crew Socks
Kitchen Sponges
Scrub Brushes
Plastic Spray Bottles
SoftSoap
Mop Heads
Brooms
Light Bulbs

I provide the list to illustrate that every little bit helps.
Some folks volunteer.
Some folks write big checks.
Some folks share their blessings.
All can make a difference.

Just a little but somewhat sporadic ricocheted sunbeam for God,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Say it right

Here's a word that I hear mispronounced so often I looked it up to make sure I wasn't the dumb ass.
How do you say "realtor"?

1. Does it sound like reel-ugh-ter?
2. Or real-ter?
3. Or re-uhl-ter?
4. None of the above

The correct answer is "3" but mostly I hear "1".

When I first moved to Houston, I gave my boss an address on Bissonnet Avenue but being from Louisiana, I articulated it with a French pronunciation: Bis-so-nay. She corrected me and imperiously stated "here in Texas, we pronounce all the letters in words". Huh, how about that? She was taking me task for sounding like a rube while she and the rest of Houston mangled FRENCH with their "Bis-son-net"(yep, with a "t" at the end). Thanks for correcting me, putain.

So, just for kicks, I just Googled "commonly mispronounced words" for you good people and found a list of 100 at pbs.com
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I've been saying "Bacchus" incorrectly all this time plus "pathos". Feeling superior to me yet? Check out the list and I'll bet you'll be surprised at a few. Having a hard time saying "Bak-us" instead of "Bahk-us", which incidentally, is the name of huge New Orleans Carnival krewe and their parade. New Orleans folks saying it wrong all these years? For true?

(Click on the links for an audible pronunciations. Look for the speaker icon.)~~You're welcome~~