A Biblical contrast

A friend forwarded this e-mail today and I am sharing it with "you people". It wasn't written by the person attributed but is still thought provoking. Haven't listened to Dr Laura's radio show in years but have personally heard her denounce homosexuality. -S.L.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlessinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan.

PS It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.

Quote of the day

"Is that a watermelon I see? Oh, no, it's a bird."

--Protecting the innocent
but I swear I heard it
and even asked for clarification
when I wrote it down.

You get what you . . nah

For a crowd of 40, I asked 8 women to bring a dessert and even stressed that homemade contains love whereas store bought does not.
What did we have on the dessert table?

• One plastic container of packaged cookies with fake M&M candies, cute but not tasty. Think cardboard. Perhaps 1 cookie gone.
• One store manufactured red velvet cake - one slice removed.
• Another mass market cake - untouched.
• Sara Lee pound cake sliced horizontally with canned icing in between layers and elsewhere. Two or three slices partaken.
• Fresh fruit tray - well appreciated.
• A giant vat of banana pudding - perhaps from a caterer. Pretty yummy.
• 2 homemade key lime pies with fresh strawberries on top - one pie gone.
• Warm-from-the-oven sopapilla cheesecake with aromatic cinnamon topping - devoured and decimated.
  

So, here's the question:
If someone brings crappy tasteless store bought crap, should they partake of the yummy homemade stuff?
Because, on one hand, you get what you give.
But on the other, maybe if you taste the good stuff, maybe you'll be ashamed to bring that tasteless junk next time.

Yes, the sopapilla cheesecake was made by moi.

Clones?

I've got a knack for remembering faces but aren't these three the same guy?

Josh Stewart ~ Dirt on Fx (now defunct)

Aaron Paul ~ Breaking Bad on AMC

Chris Hardwick from Web Soup on E!

Stoopid Song

Ugh! I heard a long-hated song yesterday and it stuck in my brain and you know the only cure* is to pass it along to you.

The Pretenders: (Brass in Pocket) I'm Special

Gonna use my arms,

Gonna use my legs,

Gonna use my style,

Gonna use my side-step

Gonna use my fingers

Gonna use my, my, my, imagination.

Cause I going make you see-- there's nobody else here

No one like me.

I'm special, so special.

I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!

I got rhythm, I can't miss a beat.

I gotta new skank so reet (WHAT THE HELL is "new skank so reet"?)

Got something. I'm winking at you (Hate to ask exactly what she is winking)

Gonna make you, make you notice.

Wait, there's an alternate cure to offer you. See if it works you as well as it has for me.

Sing it loud and proud in your most retarded and hearing impaired voice.

"I'm special, so special, I gotta have some your attention, give it to me!"

Yesterday, I had $ 2.25 in loose change slung in my general direction.

WooHoo! Shiny coins for the coke machine!!

*Get your own damn blog if you don't like my solution.

Things that chap my ass: Oil spills

That oil spill off the coast of Louisiana is working my last nerve. I can understand why the folks in Florida and California don't want off shore oil rigs located near their picturesque coasts but we already have them so might as well generate some state revenue, right? That dang explosion is gonna drive up gas prices, ruin the delicate ecological balance of several, if not many, state's coasts and stifle future drilling. It's no good, I tell ya!
Read a news note yesterday that hair is a good oil picker upper for spills. Know what else might work? Silk flowers! Those nasty fake and dust catching stems, gross! Please send those to the clean up workers.

Hmmmm, what else? Junk mail, maybe?

That tired and outdated carpet in my master bedroom; I bet it could soak up an assload of oil. Gonna rip that up, throw it in my truck, drive to the beach and toss it on the sand. There, I helped.

~~You're welcome.

A concert memory

Just read Louisiana Belle's Music Quiz blog entry and quite impressed by her roster of a dream musical festival and it jogged a memory for me.

Back in the day (1987), my then boyfriend wanted to see the upcoming David Bowie "Glass Spider Tour" concert stop in New Orleans so I purchased tickets for his birthday and we attended the Superdome performance.

I'm all about a pure music performance without all the distracting trappings of dancers and such so was a little disappointed that wasn't "just David Bowie" but oh well, my dude liked it.

At the end of the concert, the house lights were still off and the entire Dome was dimly lit by upraised cigarette lighters, indicating a desire for an encore. It was quite beautiful from the vantage point of our floor seats. My boyfriend was dazzled. A bit too much.

My jaded ass finally asked, "Have you not ever seen that before?"

"No, never."

"What?! They do it after every concert."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I've never seen it before."

"Puh-lease! Wait, when is the last time you attended a concert?"

He scrunched his eyebrows together and looked at me with those blue eyes he was so proud of and finally said, "Jimi Hendrix".

Da-yumn!

(I was six years old when the fabulouso Jimi died.)

Check me out, I'm worldwide!

Rant sister and blogger Jennifer offered her readers a forum to post their own "Things I Want to Punch in the Face" lists and I posited the notion that her generosity allowed others to vent, thus fewer sniper shooting incidents in past weeks.

AND Jennifer posted MY LIST! Check it out HERE.

Spring in Louisiana

Here, in left-handed side of the boot-shaped Great State of Louisiana, it's green again.

Ah so, Grasshopper

Just because I've been quiet doesn't mean I am not hanging around.

Wrapping up 3 different committees and helping friends "in need" has taken me from my "public" and blog responsibilities.

Getting my mojo back,

I am,

Skitzo Leezra