Oscar 2007 Review

Leezra coming at ya with this year's red carpet and Oscar review. And riding the top of the current fashion trend, I am wearing vintage this year. Yep, a super old and super soft t-shirt and pajama pants.

Red Carpet Pre-Show:

I don't care for Ryan Seacrest but barring an anal gerbil infection, I fear he will be with us for a loooong time. He'll be around for as long as his maker Dick Clark.

Commercial aside, 'fro headed M&M characters cause my throat to constrict. Hair and candy? Not a good combination.

I am so over black gowns but Maggie Gyllenhall looked good and her honey Peter Saarsgard seemed less than his usual creepy self.

E's yenta Giuliana DePandi implied that Ryan Seacrest is the Queen of E! A genius, she is.

Paul Haggis caused another throat constriction when I consider the definition of his last name.
"A Scottish dish consisting of a mixture of the minced heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep or calf mixed with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the slaughtered animal." Those hair and candy covered chocolates seem more appealing now.

Not so sure I like the menswear trend of the lower button with more shirt showing. Who said that a thin tie makes you look thinner? Not buying it.

Al Gore looks like a fat ass wax mannequin. His face is so puffy that he is turning Japanese. I really think so.

Pretty hair on Portia di Rossi. And that Catherine Deneuve is one classy broad. I wanted to say something ugly about J. Lo but I guess her stylist finally got her way and made J. Lo dress nicely.

Why the hell is Elizabeth Shue there? Should I care?

Cameron Diaz as a brunette - good. With orange skin - not so good.

Penelope Cruz was very pretty in dusty pink. Now imagine the same dress in white as a bridal gown. Awesome. Did Penelope's eyes seem just a little f'ed up?

Rachel Weisz is her usual glam self but must say, again, to the ladies, if your gown has glitz, you should refrain from competing jewelry. As Oscar de la Renta always instructed, never mix your costume jewelry with the real thing.

Jennifer Hudson is doing a fabulous job as a newcomer by charming everyone and not trying to hard, fashion-wise.

Helen Mirren looks stunning and has a nice rack for an older dame.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a 20 year old hottie. You go, home squirrel! Dumping that androgynous husband did the trick.

Why is Jessica Biel there? Do I care? Attractive pink dress, stupid patent leather belt, weird hair.

Count 'em. Three yellow gowns, each more ugly than the next. Female escorts of Eddie Murphy and Forest Whitaker in yellow. But the worst goes to Jada Pinkett Smith's shiny mustard abortion of a dress with the awkward bodice darts and too-tight fit. How do you say in French? C'est horrible. Evening wear and the color yellow should never collide. Oops, missed one. Naomi Watts in pale yellow, quite reminiscent in similar dress worn by Kate Blanchett a couple Oscars ago. Blah.

Kirsten Dunst is a tough call. Chanel? Good. Red lips? Good. The whole look? Just didn't jive though it wasn't horrible. Did the neckline seem matronly? Is it the pale grey gown with blonde hair? Or is just that it seemed like she raided her mother's closet for couture but kept a juvenile old hair 'do?

Kate Blanchett looked fabby poo poo poo in her gunmetal grey beaded gown though I would have appreciated sleeker hair.

Kate Winslet - too pale: hair, dress, cheeks, lipstick. C'mon, Seventeen magazine 101: pick a focal point, keep everything else neutral.

I covet Beyonce's hair. Dress, not so much.

I anticipate Meryl Streep will be slammed for wearing her bohemian jewelry but it is her, plus she looks better than usual. Baby steps, people.

Nicole Kidman worked that red Balenciaga dress like only she can.

Wonder what bet Kelly Preston lost? Why else would she wear such a hateful rag as that leopard print dress usually seen on a Chalmettian bridesmaid?

Sasha Baron Cohen is some handsome. Yum.

Jackie Earle Haley is America's new favorite comeback story, along with Jennifer Hudson.

Dunno who Anika Noni Rose is but her sequin gown was very striking against her skin tone.

Academy Award Show:

Loved the nominee video introduction.
Loved the standing nominees in the audience. Hope that becomes a new tradition.

Ellen is funny but who told her those white shoes were a good idea?

With an egg cooking on my bare face, maybe I will be one asshole with seared retinas and permanent sunburn when I finally become a global warming believer. Perhaps because I remember the 1970's era Time magazine warning of the coming world freeze. But what a joy it will be to laugh at the Henny Penny global alarmists if, indeed, I am right. Think I will do my part to help them prove their point by filling up the pick-up with gasoline, leaving the gas cap slightly open, pumping the air conditioner full blast and maintaining an average speed of 90 m.p.h.

Okay, we are 1 hour and 23 mintes into the show before we have our first entertaining moment. William Monahan mentions "Valium does work."

Is the orchestra playing each movie's theme song when they win? If so, I cannot tell because it all sounds alike.

Welsh Corgi sighting in the costume diaroma!

Robert Downey, Jr. with another funny moment.

Jerry Seinfeld said what we all know. All those documentaries are incredibly depressing movies.

Celine Dion - if I don't say anything about her, can I just pretend she wasn't there?

Diane Keaton actually looks good. Give her stylist a raise for wrestling Diane to the ground and forcing a dress onto her body and coiffing her hair.

Helen Mirren's win and film clip gave us another Welsh Corgi sighting. Four cuties!

Al Gore - the inconvenient truth is that if you had carried your OWN STATE, you would be President. The folks that knew you best could not pull a lever for you. Now shut your hole.

Can Leo DiCaprio look too good? Seriously. He is so slick and severe I cannot decide if it is good or a bit costume-like.

Anne Hathaway - a classic beauty.

Very nicely orchestrated presentation to Martin Scorsese by fellow directors. Best camera shot of the evening was Marty in the wings when The Departed won Best Picture.

Oscar topic of the day:
What the hell was Philip Seymour Hoffman's drug combination of choice? Vicadin and cough syrup? Gasoline huffing and Guyana KoolAid? MarksALot & alcohol?
Your homework: Check out the movie Love Liza where he plays a strung-out gasoline huffer.

Not-so-deep thoughts

• Though I have done some stupid things in relationships, I am now giving myself dispensation for never wearing an adult diaper while driving cross country to confront another woman. Oh sure, there was that one night of tequila, Depends and glow sticks with the old boyfriend, but he LIKED it.
• Britney? Anna? Trainwrecks. Sad trainwrecks. Just wish they were from Connecticut or such so that the rest of us Southern weirdos weren't grouped together.
• Thank God I did not grow up famous or hell, in the era of cell phone cameras. Too many opportunities of public horror and humiliation.
• Disappointed that my-long-lost-newly-reconnected friend revealed herself to be an intolerant, small minded religious homophobe. All these years that I wondered what she was doing, wasted on a perpetuating-the-hate-mongering so-called Christian.
• Embracing the newly found thought that materialism is just human nature, helps us to set goals, and proves that we are still interested in life. When you get old or boring enough not to want anything for your birthday, it is over, my friend.
• Laughed while reading Vanity Fair's interview with John McCain. He was so impressed with a powerful pain reliever. "It was—am I saying this right?—I.V. Propen. The stuff's a fucking miracle drug!" My dad expressed the same thought a couple months ago. This from a man that said that his high school's definition of a drug addict was someone that took two aspirins instead of one. Once Dad told me that he was suffering from three day long headache. When I asked what he was taking for it, he just looked at me blankly and replied "nothing, why?"