A surprising realization

It's Carnival season in Louisiana, I've been invited to many balls and parties and nothing about it appeals to me. While I love fashion, enjoy looking at formal wear and love shopping for a pretty evening bag and shoes, it took me thirty years to realize I don't enjoy dressing up.

A few years ago, Ernest and Eileen opted for a black tie wedding and Ernest informed his oldest friends he fully expected us to fulfill the example set by Carnival krewe requirements. When adhering to the black tie and formal gown decree, it means gowns to the floor. In this neck of the South, we've all heard the stories of ladies being being turned away from a ball because their dress was not a gown.
So, c'mon, Ernest, no cocktail dresses? No. But you know some women will show up in a short cute cocktail dress? Ernest stood firm, "no friend of his didn't understand the dress code". I enjoyed the evening and loved seeing our friends in their finery but it was that night I realized I never wanted to wear a formal gown again. As part girly girl and part tomboy, it was a disappointment and a shock to finally be truthful to myself. I liked helping sis Rikki Tikki Tavi select her formal accessories but the closest I want to get to the formals is staying home in my pjs to watch the Oscar pre-show and fashion recaps with Joan Rivers.

When I heard guys say they don't like wearing a tux, I used to chalk them up as socially inept or redneck but I get it now.

Watching the Oscars in pj pants and T-shirt,
and judging other's coiffure and garb,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

It took me 3 years to watch it

When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts - Acts I & II

Spike Lee's documentary of the effects of Hurricane Katrina was released three years ago and I wasn't ready to watch it then. I recorded it August 28th and finally finished it today. It took several sittings to complete. (Not sure I'll ever get to Acts III & IV.)

My friends all know that I am barely aware of hurricane paths or ever prepared for "big weather". In 1997, while living in New Orleans, I had a garage sale the very day everyone evacuated from Hurricane Danny. The shoppers kept asking why I didn't cancel the sale and when was I leaving? Huh? In anticipation of moving in a couple days, my cable service was transferred to a new address and I hadn't a clue that an evacuation order had been called. And no idea that they meant leaving town! My friend Chrysanthemum and I were the last to leave; she to her parents in Mississippi, me to my folks in southwest Louisiana.

Fast forward, in 2000 I left New Orleans to return to my hometown and bought a house. So, while floating in my pool on Saturday August 27th, 2005, I answered my phone to John asking if my offer of lodging was still good. Huh? (again). There's a hurricane coming through, don't you know this? Nope. But, of course, he and his mother and two grandmothers were more than welcome to evacuate to my house. The year before, they stayed in a nearby Texas town while "evaporating" from a hurricane. I insisted that they stay with me "next time" because hotel rooms can be a bit cramped for four adults.

They packed up in one vehicle with limited items and an ice chest of snacks and drove hours over the usual three hour drive time. We all thought they would be away from home for 2-3 days maximum.

Their most important need was constant television updates. I rarely watch live television so we quickly learned the channel numbers of The Weather Channel, CNN, Fox News and every news outlet. For the first time in my life, I felt guilty that I only owned one TV.

The telephone was the next important tool. Thankfully, I had just opted for the unlimited long distance plan. They took and made phone calls from every relative, every friend from every state.

We heard reports of folks offering lodging to perfect strangers and there is just no way this single girl would do that, but I was happy to accommodate my friends and comfortable they wouldn't kill me in my sleep.

We watched the poor and wretched line up to enter the "Shelter of Last Resort" AKA the Louisiana Superdome. We cringed when we saw two cute little white college girls in line and wondered why the hell they didn't have another plan.

This official warning from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration scared the shit out of us:

URGENT – WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS LA 413 PM CDT SUN AUG 28 2005

…EXTREMELY DANGEROUS HURRICANE KATRINA CONTINUES TO APPROACH THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER DELTA…

…DEVASTATING DAMAGE EXPECTED…

MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS…PERHAPS LONGER. AT LEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL…LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.

THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL. PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED. CONCRETE BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE…INCLUDING SOME
WALL AND ROOF FAILURE.

HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY…A FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT.

AIRBORNE DEBRIS WILL BE WIDESPREAD…AND MAY INCLUDE HEAVY ITEMS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AND EVEN LIGHT VEHICLES. SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES AND LIGHT TRUCKS WILL BE MOVED. THE BLOWN DEBRIS WILL CREATE ADDITIONAL DESTRUCTION. PERSONS…PETS…AND LIVESTOCK EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL FACE CERTAIN DEATH IF STRUCK.

POWER OUTAGES WILL LAST FOR WEEKS…AS MOST POWER POLES WILL BE DOWN AND TRANSFORMERS DESTROYED. WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED. ONLY THE HEARTIEST WILL REMAIN STANDING…BUT BE TOTALLY DEFOLIATED. FEW CROPS WILL REMAIN. LIVESTOCK LEFT EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL BE KILLED.

AN INLAND HURRICANE WIND WATCH IS ISSUED WHEN SUSTAINED WINDS NEAR HURRICANE FORCE…OR FREQUENT GUSTS AT OR ABOVE HURRICANE FORCE…ARE POSSIBLE WITHIN THE NEXT 24 TO 36 HOURS.

Our local churches offered space for New Orleans evacuees when all area hotels were filled. My church housed diabetic patients, feed them and attended to their every need.

Rumors abounded in Baton Rouge, Lafayette and Lake Charles that the thugs of New Orleans were taking over their cities. We heard astounding things here and everyone was advised to "start locking their doors".

Hurricane Katrina hit coastal Louisiana then headed to Mississippi and Alabama, bringing severe damage mostly due to storm surge. New Orleans and their displaced breathed a sigh of relief they dodged the bullet.

Then the levees broke.

I was at work when I saw the news on my computer. The 17th Street Canal levee break was blocks away from John's house and his mother's and another levee break close to his maternal grandmother's house. Whether it is 2 feet of water or eight, it was gonna be bad. For John and his mom, it was 9 feet. Mary's house "took water" in the ground level. All was lost. Three houses, two cars, two and a half house's entire contents - gone.

Their anticipated 2-3 "hurrication" turned into a life changing tragedy. All the while, they were perfect house guests.

We watched the looting, the riots and snipers. It chilled and amazed me that only 202 miles from my front door, New Orleans became a third world country overnight. How tenuous our hold on a lawful society! Yet, one hour to the west of New Orleans, Baton Rouge had power, water and order.

My guests stayed for three weeks and my entire community welcomed them. Strangers would walk up to them and say "I couldn't help but to notice that your car is from New Orleans and we are praying for you and your neighbors." The ladies were ready for their now overdue weekly hair styling so I recommended my high school friend's salon. They made the appointment and when she learned their plight, she refused payment. Another need, another recommendation: a friend fixed their windshield at no cost. An emergency dental incident resulted in pennies on the dollar bill. The neighborhood Catholic church had fellowship each night with meals from every restaurant in town. Other churches distributed clothing and household items. My reporter friend did a feature story on my friends. Two of their New Orleans evacuee friends relocated in our area saw it and called. My family and friends asked me every day what they needed. UPS boxes arrived with clothing, Ernest's gigantic hook-up box of brand new designer duds for John. Eileen sent a huge supply of fragrance and beauty goods from her luxury store employer. Out-of-town friends sent every imaginable thing.

I cried every day at work and held up a positive face at home. The second weekend they attended Catholic church on Sunday and I went to my church. We both appreciated the break from reality. During the church service, we offered prayers for all those affected. We had communion and I completely lost it. I leaned on the communion rail and couldn't get up because I was heaving with sobs. I backed into a hallway and tried to compose myself before walking back to my pew. Several congregants patted me on the back or hugged me on their way past. What a comforting place and time.

Eventually, a North Shore house was procured and they left. They were ready to "go home" and reclaim some degree of normalcy. Their agony was just beginning with the insurance companies, paperwork, phone bills, ongoing cable service charges, utilities, bureaucracy, etc. My house was quiet but I actually missed them.

They embarrassed me with their gratitude.

This year, on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, John's mom sent me an e-mail:
On this Katrina anniversary, we send you thanks for taking us in during a very difficult time in our lives. We'll always be grateful to you, Leezra.

My response:
Hello, I still cannot see images of Katrina destruction without tears. And I still feel guilty that I told your mom that she should have had more faith that New Orleans would do well when the hurricane seemed to go through the area without massive destruction. We didn't know the worst was yet to happen, AFTER the hurricane with the levee breaks. It taught me that it ain't over until it's over.
It was a blessing to have "you people" in my home. I was proud of my community's outpouring of support to our New Orleans neighbors. I was proud of my friends and family that inquired about you and yours. It is EASY to care for good people like you.
And then, a month later, WE were running from a hurricane and taking refuge in someone else's home and relying on their kindness and I like to think that we had already experienced the perfect dress rehearsal of how to act. Always pleasant, always gracious and keeping a sense of humor - like you did. We now know how to better hosts and better guests.
And it is my forever hope that we won't ever need to use those skills. Please know that you gave me more than I gave you.
Love,
Leezra

Chicken Noodle Soup . . . . . . .$76.00

Found this e-mail in my file and KNOW you will enjoy the story.

Written by Chrysanthemum:

I must share this tale of daily goings on at the Chrysanthemum ranch.......

As you know, we have 2 house dogs. Lilly and Ozzie are part Pekingese and part poodle. Ozzie has more poodle in him and it shows in his hair. On Friday, his hair had reached its limit. He looked like a sheep that needed shearing. So I took him to the groomer, Touch of New York Grooming by Perry. Perry shaved him down and we all had a good laugh at naked little Ozzie.

When we got home, I decided that I would need to go get Ozzie a sweater or something since it was sooo cold outside and he loves to go outside. Unfortunately, I could not find a sweater or anything in an XS size, so I went to the baby department where I purchased a lovely velour shirt with a little snowman on the front. Size 0-3 months fits just fine on Ozzie :-)

On Saturday, Ozzie didn't move around much and would shake like he was cold. He didn't want to go outside, play or anything he usually does. I was concerned, so I went on-line and read that I could give him Tylenol for fever and aches and pains. So I did just that and carried him to bed with us and put him on a heating pad. He never moved. Sunday same as Saturday.

On Monday, step-daughter Whitney was sick and I stayed home with her. I was going to take Ozzie to the vet, but he seemed better. He ate some Cheerios and walked around a bit. I gave him some more Tylenol and thought he was on his way to recovery from some type of bug or something.

Tuesday morning,Whitney was still sick and stayed home. She called me around noon and said she was worried about Ozzie. He was really shaking even though she had him wrapped in a heating pad. So we called the vet and made an appointment. We couldn't find anyone to take him.....except for Whitney's mother/Ronald's ex-wife. Lovely. But Whitney was convinced we needed to get Ozzie to the vet soon.

At 3:10, Whitney called me to tell me the results of the vet visit. Ozzie is DEPRESSED. Seems that the sheep shearing incident traumatized him, causing him not to eat or drink and to shake uncontrollably. Turns out I should have been giving him Ronald's Prozac instead of Tylenol.

Now for the cure. A doggy IV, a shot and go home and feed him CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP. And of course, positive reinforcement. "Ozzie, your hair looks so cool!" and "Ozzie, you are one sharp looking dog."

And yes, all that for $76.00.

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I told Chrysanthemum that it was her own damn fault for putting the poor dog in a velour snowman sweater. Oh Fuh Gawd!
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Ernest concurred.
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This from Mallys:
Just in case you run out of $76 affirmations, here's some more for you to try, Chrysanthemum:

"Yo, Ozzie, is yo daddy a terrorist, 'cuz you da bomb!"

"A little fresh cracked pepper for your soup, monsieur?"
"Hey, see that little whippet over there? She is, like, TOTALLY checking you out!"

"Ozzie, with that great new hair cut, it's gonna be sooooo easy for all your friends to smell your butt!"

"That new haircut really slims you down, Ozzie. I've got a call in to Calvin Klein: I think you're just the spokesdog they're looking for for their new underwear campaign: 'Peek-a-Boo? Peek-a-Poo!!'"

Love and warm fuzzies to Ozzie,

Mallys
(whose vet has, in fact, recommended that she give Princeton The Cat transdermal Prozac. I'm too afraid I'll be rubbing it inside my **OWN** ears and Princeton will still be gnawing like a fiend at his tail. . . .)

I scared this guy

And it made me laugh.

Two years ago, I visited my friends Ernest & Eileen in Manhattan. On a Sunday night it rained miserably and we were glad to have reservations for an improv show and pass all the idiots waiting outside the Upright Citizen's Brigade theater. Our pride bit us in the ass when we realized that we were the LAST three folks in and were told to "stand anywhere in the back". Luckily we found 3 empty seats on three different rows.

The improvisational show was presented by accomplished writers, actors and such but the monologue chick su-ucked. Jack McBrayer (Kenneth, the NBC page of 30 Rock) was the guest actor. When they asked for a suggestion, I did the 1/2 second pause and yelled out "bedwetters!". It was apparently quite loud. Jack turned and looked kinda alarmed. Ernest and Eileen were then relieved that our seats weren't near each other.

The pile-of-5-empty-beer-cans guy next to me said, "good one."

Pride restored.

A new Mardi Gras economy

It is called the largest free show in the world but during Mardi Gras, one of the most valuable things is access to a restroom. Zion Lutheran on St. Charles Avenue cashes in the supply/demand. And looka, their sign shows a price increase from last year.

And yes, this photo was taken by me. My favorite online photo editing service, Snipshot, just dropped their free service so I used pizap today. Now experimenting with Picnik. Anyone have a favorite photo editing suggestion?

Take a gander at this pic I snapped at the Grace Episcopal church on Canal Street. They are offering beer and brownies but they have a value added item. FREE PortALets! They are making money off the front end but being a good neighbor by preventing idiots from peeing in the MidCity alleys. Yep, that was Ernest and me last year peeing behind the wooden gate.

And here is proof of the growing Latino influence in New Orleans.

New baby mediations

My married friends are expecting a child and Eileen wonders if we can continue to be friends since I have been quite vocal in my dislike of children. Kay also. And Dawn too. But we like Eileen and Ernest enough to consider that concessions should be made by both the breeder and childless-by-choice folks. We feel these considerations should be discussed now before feelings are hurt later.

Here is our preliminary* trade-off list:

We promise to give ample notice of outings so you can get a sitter. In other words, get a sitter. Kids are a buzz kill at parties and dinner.

We won't tell stories about getting drunk and where we wake up if you don't tell baby stories. Save those for your breeder friends.

We won't share gross stuff about our own bodies if you zip it on the gross baby stuff.

If you don't contribute toward our rent or mortgages, don't expect us to fund your baby needs. Breeding is no reason for a handout of expensive gifts.

Don't bitch about the cost of in vitro. Birth control pills cost even less but often aren't covered under insurance.

Our houses are not baby-proofed nor you should not expect them to be. Watch your children and teach them some boundaries! We will, however, put away the crack pipe and razors if you visit.

Decide ahead of time which spouse will carry the screaming brat out of the room. We don't want to witness an awkward argument but we will discuss it afterwards.

Really, it all boils down to: know your audience. Your mom wants to hear every doggone thing about Baby Precious. Us? Not so much.

*List to be amended under the comment section. Add yours, please.

Get in your Fraidy Hole

This report from my buddy Lynn:

Living in North Alabama, you become accustomed to the hundreds of severe thunderstorm warnings, tornado warnings and tornado watches. Here in Trinity, AL, we are lucky enough to be in "tornado alley" and know the drills all too well. If you live in the city limits you are lucky enough to have sirens going off at all hours of the day and night. But if you live outside the city limits.....the country to some...you have to rely on television weather reports and your handy weather radio. After sleeping through a tornado that touched down less than a mile from us as few weeks ago, we invested in one of those horrible little weather radios. It sounds a deafening alarm to alert you of even a thunderstorm. While I am happy to have something to wake me up (I am the only one that hears this deafening alarm), I really don't care about thunderstorms. I just want to know when I need to be listening for something that sounds like a "TRAIN"!!!

On Saturday night, we were having a round of severe weather. We were still awake and watching television, so we watched and listened intently for instructions from Dan Satterfield AKA Dan the Man, the local meteorologist. Like any weatherman, he was just beside himself. He had Doppler this and Doppler that, 3-D imagery from inside the storm cell, maps that could track its exact time of arrival on your street to within 15 seconds. Now Dan the Man is know around here for always alerting the kids that might be home alone as to what they should do. He always instructs them to get their "helments" on (football, bike, hockey, it doesn't matter what kind) and get in the bathtub. When he says, "Kids, get your helments on and get in the bathtub", you know it is serious business. Well, Saturday night at 11:30pm, when no children should be up watching the weather, Dan the Man instructs us to do something new!!!

Dan the Man announces," Everyone, get your shoes on and go get in your "Fraidy Hole!" My what? I looked at Donald and asked, "Did he just say Fraidy Hole?" Yep. Fraidy Hole. What the hell is your Fraidy Hole? Where is it located? Do we no longer put on our helments since we are gonna put on shoes instead? Did we miss the original episode that told us who, what, when, and where the Fraidy Hole is? Or was Dan the Man just have flashbacks from a childhood of molestation and the Fraidy Hole was his escape in his mind? Who knows? Fortunately, the tornado did not touch down in our area, because none of us new where the hell the Fraidy Hole was.

Signing off to find my Fraidy Hole,
I am,
Lynn in Alabammy


Ernest said:
"The Fraidy Hole....that's easy. It's right out back just to the left of the Meat Hole."

Me? I thought it was half past a monkey's ass.

I am digging in your butt for drugs

A New Orleans teenager has complained that police were too ambitious in their pat down for drugs and weapons.

White, also 17, who was also against the wall, said another officer pulled down his pants and underwear and also swiped between his buttocks. People on the street could see the officers' actions, he said, which he described as humiliating.

"He swiped like a Visa," White said.

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My friend Ernest commented on the story, Approved....Approved...DECLINED!