Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Memories of Mab Libs

Jay Thomas interviewed Leonard Stern, co-creator of the Mad Libs word game and the segment reminded me of this TRUE STORY:

My high school boyfriend and I played a few games of MadLibs and afterwards left the book in the game room. The following day, my dad read the answers and saw nothing but raunchy words. He then forbade me from dating or seeing the guy. Dad did not realize that the words were in the boyfriend's handwriting because the profane answers were MINE!

Monday, May 12, 2008

A brand new Samism, it's fresh, I tell ya!

as uttered to Danielle,
"I just saw the world's biggest mosquito! I caught him trying to bite me and the son-of-a-bitch was as a big as a bumble bee! Now that's big, y'hear? It was like a horse flying around!"

Get in your Fraidy Hole

This report from my buddy Lynn:

Living in North Alabama, you become accustomed to the hundreds of severe thunderstorm warnings, tornado warnings and tornado watches. Here in Trinity, AL, we are lucky enough to be in "tornado alley" and know the drills all too well. If you live in the city limits you are lucky enough to have sirens going off at all hours of the day and night. But if you live outside the city limits.....the country to some...you have to rely on television weather reports and your handy weather radio. After sleeping through a tornado that touched down less than a mile from us as few weeks ago, we invested in one of those horrible little weather radios. It sounds a deafening alarm to alert you of even a thunderstorm. While I am happy to have something to wake me up (I am the only one that hears this deafening alarm), I really don't care about thunderstorms. I just want to know when I need to be listening for something that sounds like a "TRAIN"!!!

On Saturday night, we were having a round of severe weather. We were still awake and watching television, so we watched and listened intently for instructions from Dan Satterfield AKA Dan the Man, the local meteorologist. Like any weatherman, he was just beside himself. He had Doppler this and Doppler that, 3-D imagery from inside the storm cell, maps that could track its exact time of arrival on your street to within 15 seconds. Now Dan the Man is know around here for always alerting the kids that might be home alone as to what they should do. He always instructs them to get their "helments" on (football, bike, hockey, it doesn't matter what kind) and get in the bathtub. When he says, "Kids, get your helments on and get in the bathtub", you know it is serious business. Well, Saturday night at 11:30pm, when no children should be up watching the weather, Dan the Man instructs us to do something new!!!

Dan the Man announces," Everyone, get your shoes on and go get in your "Fraidy Hole!" My what? I looked at Donald and asked, "Did he just say Fraidy Hole?" Yep. Fraidy Hole. What the hell is your Fraidy Hole? Where is it located? Do we no longer put on our helments since we are gonna put on shoes instead? Did we miss the original episode that told us who, what, when, and where the Fraidy Hole is? Or was Dan the Man just have flashbacks from a childhood of molestation and the Fraidy Hole was his escape in his mind? Who knows? Fortunately, the tornado did not touch down in our area, because none of us new where the hell the Fraidy Hole was.

Signing off to find my Fraidy Hole,
I am,
Lynn in Alabammy

Ernest said:
"The Fraidy Hole....that's easy. It's right out back just to the left of the Meat Hole."

Me? I thought it was half past a monkey's ass.

Add another talent to my list - bull rustler

Last Thursday I was driving south of town, near farms and ranches, when my superior peripheral vision caught a flash of gray and quick movement. I turned my head just in time to see a huge Brahma bull jumping a fence. He stood one foot from the two-laned highway yellow stripe and looked both ways, as if to decide his next direction. Holy cow, I thought, knowing that deer can inflict great vehicular damage, what the hell could that monster do to a car traveling 5o miles an hour? I flicked on my bright lights a few times to warn and possibly slow oncoming traffic and then pulled to the shoulder when I spied TWO MORE bulls that preceded the Brahma. Thinking I could possibly block them in the long driveway, I completed a quick U-turn. The bulls just stared. I jumped out my truck and gave my best guess as to what to say. "Shoo!" accompanied a sweeping motion of hands. To my surprise, two of the bulls (the early ones) took off running toward the house. Big giant Brahma considered his options. Feeling quite confident now, I gave another "shoo!" and he took off as well. I followed him and others to the house and was quite relieved that I was followed by another truck. Spoke with the guy and he said he would take it from there. Good damn thing because I didn't know what the hell to do next.

Bull rustler, wearing a cute dress and sandals, that's me.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Cryin' at church

Last Sunday's worship service was led by graduating high school seniors. They performed music, presented a PowerPoint photo montage, gave the sermon, shared Communion, the whole schmear. And I blubbered the whole time. Dunno why the sentimentality hit me so much. The new fresh beginning of their lives? The end of a familiar stage? Growing up? New horizons? Life passing so quickly?
I attempted to stop the sniffling and tears and whispered to my friend, in shame, "You would think those were my kids." Instead of jolting me out of my sniffles with a much needed smartass remark, she added to it by saying, "But they are your kids."
And she is right. Those smart, mature and accomplished students are the source of pride for the whole church. I am proud to know them. Proud of their feats because I wasn't one of those kids when I was their age. I didn't have perfect grades, didn't give back to the community, didn't go on mission trips and didn't have the confidence of faith. But glad to that I know some that do.

Miley's photo? Who gives a ?

THIS is the photo that everyone is freaking out about? For true? I am more bothered by the fact that her upper lip appears to sport a dirty Sanchez.

The more disturbing photo is the incestuous snap with her dad. Gee-ross! Ugh, that tattoo, that hair, gulp, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Back to the rant:
Hey, parents, YOU just dress up your little girls like hookers-in-training, photograph them in Lolita poses at Glamour Shots, purchase those whore Bratz dolls and NOW you are offended because your future stripper child is scarred by seeing sweet Miley with a bare shoulder in a fabric drape? Get over yourself and mind your own backyard! Spare us your outrage and save your money for the illegitimate grandchildren of your future.

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