Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thought of the day

Watched way too much television this weekend and caught this quote on Celebrity Rehab, from lead singer of Alice in Chain Layne Staley's mom Nancy. Layne Staley died of a drug overdose in 2002. Nancy spoke to the celebrity rehab participants, "You can live a long life. You don't need a fantastic incredible celebrity life. You want a boring predictable life. You cannot believe how rich that is until you're in it."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mardi Gras games

Dawn and I watched many a New Orleans Carnival parade and almost always while drinking. Most high school marching bands are local and, as you can imagine, the marching groups feature many a plus sized dancer, cheerleader, flag girl, what have you. One year, in our boozy bleary eyed self-amusement, we pointed out an exceptionally small framed dancer. Dawn yelled out, in a voice like you would use in a pet store when you spotted the cutest puppy in the world, "Look at the itty bitty one!" Thus began our favorite game to find the smallest member of each marching band. We haven't shared the game with others. Why, I dunno. Maybe it is only fun while tipsy. If you want to give it a try, remember to always say it loud and proud but in the cutesy puppy voice.

Jackin' with celebrities is another amusing Carnival pastime. Big mega krewes hire celebrities to ride in their parades. It is part of the crowd's experience to note if the celeb seems to be having fun and enjoying the Carnival experience. The more fun they seem to have, the more validation the crowd feels. Here are some celeb moments I remember.
Billy Crystal looked positively terrified for his life.
John Goodman was drunk drunk drunk. I shot him with my super powerful water gun disguised as a soda can. Bam, right in the face. He looked like a Stooge in the steady stream. He wiped his face and then grabbed his nearest buddy and pointed in the direction of the incoming water. His buddy leaned over to see what was happening. TAG! Steady hands and battery operated water stream in his friend's face. His friend Timothy Hutton. Two fer!!!!
Glenn Close seemed to enjoy her ride. Folks were screaming "Glenn Glenn Glenn!". We aimed our cameras but she was waving to the opposite side of the street. My friend John waited until the crowd took a breath and then yelled clearly, "Glenn,
I will not be ignored!" Glenn snapped her head back to our side, zoomed in on John and laughed her ass off. Good times.
Camryn Manheim held a fistful of pearls, taunting the crowd. They screamed in bead starved delirium. Next, she held a the strands and ran her tongue over the pearls. A collective "ewwww" could be heard . . . then nervous laughter. The crowd seemed embarrassed that we all thought and said the same thing.
That Steve Guttenberg Police Academy dude liked our super duper water gun. He opened his mouth and received the flying fluids like a pro. The crowd laughed.

Val Kilmer. Oh Fuh Gawd. He was messed up. The parade slowed and Mr. Cool just sat in his spinning tea cup chair and and smiled. We screamed "Valerie Valerie Valerie!" and to our amazement, he laughed and waved. Movement ~~ he's alive! The krewe handlers handed him a wrapped po' boy and he scarfed into it while we watched. It was kinda like watching animals eating at the zoo. Interesting but not all together pleasant. All the sudden, Valerie decided to stand. He listed. He swayed. The crowd oohed and aahed as if they were watching the Flying Wallendas. He made his way to the hidden can under the float. We couldn't
see him but geez Louise, everyone knew where he was. I mean, what must it be like to go to the bathroom with a whole crowd just feet away? He took so long that the crowd started chanting his name. The float started rolling as he tumbled out. Good times, good times.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The most intimate act

I'm not going to list all the acts you could do with a perfect stranger that you just met but will wager a bet that it won't include one of the most intimate yet very public displays of affection: holding hands.

Folks that privately perform any array of actions in a forbidden or illicit relationship cannot hold hands in public. Think of any shunned pairing (bi-racial, gay, mixed religions) in an intolerant environment; holding hands could invite trouble.
From teenage to old age, it touches my heart to see couples hold hands. It is a proclamation. It's cute, endearing, innocent and yet deep.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Life is too short to

drink ordinary beer.

While reading the beer reviews on the Cooking for Assholes blog, I am forced to admit my beer palate is not at all as varied and educated as his; the very idea of chocolate beer or a coffee stout seems repugnant but he tries it all and shares his pronouncements.
I don't drink as much as I once did so it is even more important to me NOT to drink ordinary beer. Good wine, a nice gin and tonic or an occasional amaretto sour is also highly enjoyable.
So, today, a dude with a "Cajun suitcase" (24 pack of beer) of ordinary beer passed me as I entered the supermarket and later in the refrigerated section, another guy picked up the same huge box of beer.Your Word of the Day:
"Cajun suitcase"
~~ 24 or 30 pack of cheap beer,
usually purchased as chilled
for immediate consumption

Why drink no-taste-at-all beer, I wondered? By the time I made it to the next aisle the answer came to me. People who drink ordinary, bland, tasteless beer in volumes don't drink it for the taste. They don't really even know or enjoy beer. Truth is, those folks drink beer to get drunk.

This Duh of the Day has been presented to you by the mega brewers of Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors, etc.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Bad weather day off

Thinking about our Yankee brethren this week while they endure snow storms and it kinda makes me jealous. Those folks get a day off, stay home, cook, hibernate, take pretty pictures and then complain of being bored.
Closer to the Gulf of Mexico coast line on the left handed side of the boot shaped state, when
we get a day off work because of incoming severe weather, we're hammering shit down before running for our lives, spending money on hotel rooms, worrying that looters will steal our crap and wondering if we still have a home after the hurricane.
Cali folks with their wildfires, they know our pain.

Enjoy your snow days, you Yankee rat bastards. Sure hope your cable doesn't go out, that would be horrible.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Hell has officially frozen over

31 -17
Al Gore can suck and suck it hard because the Saints won the Super Bowl XLIV, hell has a full ice bucket and global warming is no more.

Tracy Porter

in the 4th quarter

ran the ball,

made believers of us all

Check out the Bourbon Street Cam HERE

Battered woman syndrome OR Saints fan?

Much like a woman who has suffered from physical or emotional abuse, a Saints fan knows what it is like to hope for the best but to receive the worst. Again and again.
The Saints just ran onto the field and I am wavering between hope and the need to lower my expectations.
In the way that the entire state has enjoyed Super Bowl fever these past 2 weeks, I feel the Saints have already won. If it is an evenly played game, I'll be happy.

Not sure if I am hormonal,
a big pile of nerves or
more excited than I thought
but tearing up at the team's entry, the crowd's increased volume of cheering when military posts are shown and Queen Latifah's voice.

The game starts in 6 minutes.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Are you ready for some football?

If you watch the Super Bowl tomorrow, might I suggest an under layer of Visqueen plastic or a Potty Patch to protect your upholstered furniture? Even an adult diaper would be a good idea because I'm telling ya, if the Saints actually win? You are gonna shit yourself or at the very least, piss your pants.

Always looking out for my wonderful blog readers,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra
~~You're welcome.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Quote of the day

"Naturally, she didn't limp when she was sitting down."
page 214,
Until I Find You
by John Irving

Thursday, February 04, 2010

What Miami should expect from Saints fans

Mark Lorando of the New Orleans Times-Picayune wrote an open letter to Miami about the Who Dat Nation coming for the Super Bowl and it has been forwarded to me at least twenty times this week. Just in case you haven't seen it, here is the LINK. It's worth the click.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

My bra is killing me

Feels okay in the morning but as the day goes on, becomes more uncomfortable with each moment. Is there an elastic that constricts when in contact with body heat?
I . . . .can't .......breathe . . . .

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Not cool

Y'know how there are some things that aren't cool but it seems that not everyone knows they aren't cool? Mind you, the older you get, the more out of touch of cool you get plus you tend to not care.
Example:your mom might like Michael Bolton but god forbid she reveals her enjoyment of the mullet headed lame ass balladeer. Hey, I know he longer has the mullet but it left a douche stain on him that no hair cut could ever cure.

Same thing for Celine Dion. She might have some pipes but she's most uncool.

Wearing chip clips in your hair? What The Hell? So many hair accessories on the WalMart aisle and that's your choice?
Seasonal themed sweaters and sweatshirts*, check. Gross.

I admit to wearing a Bluetooth earpiece while driving at unlawful speeds, while listening to music loud enough to drown out the audible ring of my cellphone but you won't catch me wearing that earpiece out of my vehicle. Not cool.
Which brings me to Jay Leno. He never was cool but is now super uncool to the point of douchedom.

Some hipsters adopt these uncool icons to be ironic so don't be confused when your nephew tells that he likes Celine too. Really. He's goofin' on ya. You're welcome.

What is your uncool benchmark?

*Oh my gosh, in searching for an ugly seasonal sweater, I just clicked on the saddest site ever. Clothing altered to fit non-ambulatory folks so they can "still look how they would like to feel (good)". That's right, pre-owned clothing with back closures of Velcro or snaps. Kinda kills my cool segment mojo.
Dude, my buzz is gone and I'm feeling bummed.
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