Mardi Gras games

Dawn and I watched many a New Orleans Carnival parade and almost always while drinking. Most high school marching bands are local and, as you can imagine, the marching groups feature many a plus sized dancer, cheerleader, flag girl, what have you. One year, in our boozy bleary eyed self-amusement, we pointed out an exceptionally small framed dancer. Dawn yelled out, in a voice like you would use in a pet store when you spotted the cutest puppy in the world, "Look at the itty bitty one!" Thus began our favorite game to find the smallest member of each marching band. We haven't shared the game with others. Why, I dunno. Maybe it is only fun while tipsy. If you want to give it a try, remember to always say it loud and proud but in the cutesy puppy voice.

Jackin' with celebrities is another amusing Carnival pastime. Big mega krewes hire celebrities to ride in their parades. It is part of the crowd's experience to note if the celeb seems to be having fun and enjoying the Carnival experience. The more fun they seem to have, the more validation the crowd feels. Here are some celeb moments I remember.
Billy Crystal looked positively terrified for his life.
John Goodman was drunk drunk drunk. I shot him with my super powerful water gun disguised as a soda can. Bam, right in the face. He looked like a Stooge in the steady stream. He wiped his face and then grabbed his nearest buddy and pointed in the direction of the incoming water. His buddy leaned over to see what was happening. TAG! Steady hands and battery operated water stream in his friend's face. His friend Timothy Hutton. Two fer!!!!
Glenn Close seemed to enjoy her ride. Folks were screaming "Glenn Glenn Glenn!". We aimed our cameras but she was waving to the opposite side of the street. My friend John waited until the crowd took a breath and then yelled clearly, "Glenn, I will not be ignored!" Glenn snapped her head back to our side, zoomed in on John and laughed her ass off. Good times.
Camryn Manheim held a fistful of pearls, taunting the crowd. They screamed in bead starved delirium. Next, she held a the strands and ran her tongue over the pearls. A collective "ewwww" could be heard . . . then nervous laughter. The crowd seemed embarrassed that we all thought and said the same thing.
That Steve Guttenberg Police Academy dude liked our super duper water gun. He opened his mouth and received the flying fluids like a pro. The crowd laughed.

Val Kilmer. Oh Fuh Gawd. He was messed up. The parade slowed and Mr. Cool just sat in his spinning tea cup chair and and smiled. We screamed "Valerie Valerie Valerie!" and to our amazement, he laughed and waved. Movement ~~ he's alive! The krewe handlers handed him a wrapped po' boy and he scarfed into it while we watched. It was kinda like watching animals eating at the zoo. Interesting but not all together pleasant. All the sudden, Valerie decided to stand. He listed. He swayed. The crowd oohed and aahed as if they were watching the Flying Wallendas. He made his way to the hidden can under the float. We couldn't see him but geez Louise, everyone knew where he was. I mean, what must it be like to go to the bathroom with a whole crowd just feet away? He took so long that the crowd started chanting his name. The float started rolling as he tumbled out. Good times, good times.

Smart ass cop

A couple years ago, Dawn and I were sitting on a 8 foot high wall overlooking St. Charles Avenue, drinking gin and juice and watching folks walk by after a Mardi Gras parade. Dawn was proudly taking credit for knowing that the young actor that portrayed Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) was gonna be hot when he got older and I was raggin' her for having a thing for young bucks.

We drank more and laughed more and eventually two of New Orleans Finest walked by. I waved them over. Dawn hissed at me and told me to can it.
"Naw, they don't mind answering questions, do you, Ociffer?'
"What seems to be the problem here, ladies?"
"No problem, Ociffer, I just wondered if you would be able to tell me and my friend Dawn what the legal age of consent is here in Louisiana."
The uniformed policeman looked at me for a minute and just when I thought he'd forgotten the question, he said "Forty-two or so" and walked away.
Dawn laughed so hard she almost fell off the wall.
I yelled "You're a smart ass! A wisenheimer, I tell ya!"
He lifted his arm and waved without even turning around.

When I see blood, I usually faint

But one time, the sight of blood made me laugh.
Hard.
So hard that I almost fainted.

Back in the early 1990's or so, Chrysanthemum (Lynn) came for a Mardi Gras weekend visit. After drinking all day and standing outside after the parades had ended, she and I got our eyes stuck on a New Orleans water meter cover.

For such a utilitarian object, it is quite beautiful. She and I pondered alternate uses for them, like really cool stepping stones or rugged kitchen counter trivets . . . before we could finish our 40 ouncers of beer, we were trying to pry it from the sidewalk. Nope, a kitchen spatula eventually did the trick. We did have the presence of mind to steal MY cover because it would shift any suspicion from me. Well, it made sense at the time. But even in our drunkenness, safety was key. The open hole in the ground was a hazard so we rolled up a 24 pack beer box and wiggled it into the now uncovered hole. The box nicely protruded from the hole and alerted others to the danger. We laughed and giggled as we carried the heavy cover to her car.

The following Monday I was relaxing in my apartment when my boyfriend entered with a pant leg rolled up, a nasty gash on his shin and blood tricking down to his socks.

"Some idiot stole your water meter cover!"

Laughter~~

"What are you laughing at? I parked and walked around the back of my truck and my foot went down the hole!"

More laughter~~

"I am lucky I didn't break my goddamned leg!"

Shrieks of laughter~~endless giggles.

Finally, I was able to sputter out, "Didn't you see the box?"

"WHAT box? What is wrong with you? I almost broke my leg and someone stole your cover!"

It took forever before I could tell him that Chrysanthemum absconded with the cover and I aided and abetted her with the theft and no, I couldn't help him bandage his leg because blood makes me woozy.

I still laugh every time I remember this story.

And now for something completely different

King cake baby beads

A few more Mardi Gras sights

Normally I hate on tiny hinnie girls, but this chick burped on command for our entertainment so we liked her. Plus, she looked cute in a baby stroller holding a beer bottle. When we asked her back flipping friend (you heard me) what kind of beer they were drinking, she said it was from Belgium. Curious, we looked closer at the label. No, dummy, it says Vermont. She shrugged and replied, "Same thing."


Check out this freak-on-ice. She went ape when she spied blue Jell-O shots and repeated over and over "You have blue Jell-O! Yay!" Her eyes seem to reveal some sort of brain swelling, which explains the protective head gear.

Oops!!! I opened a PortALet door only to spy this dude reading a micro-organisms textbook. Yikes.

Looks can deceive

Take a look at this piece of walking fashion pollution. Wouldn't you guess that she is a fun loving sort what with her crazy glasses and dueling stripes? She was happy to catch beads but when the Tucks krewe came by and tossed their signature toilet paper through the air, she seemed mighty displeased and in a huff, picked it up and marched over to the closest trash can. Just goes to prove that you can make no assumptions based on appearance.

More Mardi Gras sights

Cage dancer in the Tucks krewe parade

Reno 911 guys in the Bacchus parade

We laughed at this guy's velvet vulva rose

A new Mardi Gras economy

It is called the largest free show in the world but during Mardi Gras, one of the most valuable things is access to a restroom. Zion Lutheran on St. Charles Avenue cashes in the supply/demand. And looka, their sign shows a price increase from last year.

And yes, this photo was taken by me. My favorite online photo editing service, Snipshot, just dropped their free service so I used pizap today. Now experimenting with Picnik. Anyone have a favorite photo editing suggestion?

Take a gander at this pic I snapped at the Grace Episcopal church on Canal Street. They are offering beer and brownies but they have a value added item. FREE PortALets! They are making money off the front end but being a good neighbor by preventing idiots from peeing in the MidCity alleys. Yep, that was Ernest and me last year peeing behind the wooden gate.

And here is proof of the growing Latino influence in New Orleans.

Raw Chicken Parts Thrown At Mardi Gras Parade

This story has been making me laugh for the last 24 hours.
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Woman Says Chicken Foot from Parade Made Her Child Sick

BATON ROUGE, La. (WAFB) - A five-year-old boy had to be hospitalized after playing with one of the throws his mom says he caught at the Spanish Town parade this weekend. She tells 9NEWS that among all the beads, cups, and doubloons was a real chicken foot, which also happened to be raw. The family is asking for some stricter rules in this notoriously risqué parade.

"We caught all kinds of stuff. We caught stuffed animals, beads, the norm." Tracy Bamburg and her five-year-old son, Justin Scott, were just two of the thousands of revelers who flocked to the popular and most often radical Spanish Town Mardi Gras parade. Sure, like everyone else, they caught all kinds of cool stuff. However, then, Bamburg says a raw chicken foot came flying through the air. "It was cold. I thought it might be real for one second. But after I looked at it and feeling it, I just threw it in the bag," she says.

Thinking it was fake, Bamburg says when she and Justin got home, they decided to have a little fun with it. "We were all touching it, squeezing it, and playing with it." Then, the next morning, reality hit. "My stomach was hurting very, very, very, very bad," the little boy says. "He woke up with 103 fever and vomiting," his mother says.

Bamburg says she had to take her son to the doctor. He seems to be doing better. "It smells rotten, like something had died." The thought of any child playing with it is enough to keep her away from the parade. "I could have easily put it in his toy box and it could have sat there for who knows how long," she says. "I have never heard of anything like this. Had I known, I wouldn't have went."

Spanish Town parade organizer Bruce Childers says throwing raw chicken parts from the floats in this parade is not acceptable. He says if the crew members who did this are caught, they will be banned indefinitely from riding in the parade.