Monday, August 31, 2009

I blame Newell

Newell told me about the "Bowl of Starch" from KFC, also known as the Mashed Potato Bowl. It consists of a mashed potato base layered with corn, gravy, cheese and crispy chicken. So I tried it, I liked it.

Then, last week, Newell tells me I should try the Sonic chili and cheese tots.

Lovin' me some starches,
but not wanting to hear any more suggestions from Newell,
I am,

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Where were you when you heard Ted Kennedy died?
I was in bed, smiling.
Now we have to hear how great he was, his contribution to the nation, etc. You would think the man could walk on water. And I guess that is kinda true, as long as he was standing on the shoulders of a dead woman.

My brother Rollo said someone else of greater celebrity needs to die soon so we won't have to hear Ted accolades all week. I hate to wish death on someone but . . .anything to stop the bastard worship.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Obama - don't kill MY grandma!

Have you received the scare tactic e-mail of the week?
The one that says that the current health plan in the Senate will kill old folks. Well, not really. The bill allows for counseling regarding end of life issues such as DoNotResusitate plans and such but the reactionaries are sending e-mails saying Obama is gonna kill your grandma.
Uncle Joe sent it to me and I had enough of his right wing Christian fundamentalist leaning e-mail blather so responded back that I was ALL for capping the old folk health care because "you baby boomers are lasting way too long and we (younger folk) are paying for it." Surprisingly, Uncle Joe did not go off on me but just said that I would be old one day. He doesn't know about the DIPP provision implemented by my friends.
Come to think of it, I am gonna call my local representative and recommend the Soylent Green option.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Funny people

Mom and I decided a long time ago that we both go for "funny people." If you keep us amused, we'll hang around. My bestest friend Chrysanthemum says mean stuff all the time but dang, she is some funny. And when I told Dawn that I couldn't marry a guy without a sense of humor, she corrected me and declared that I should marry a guy that thinks I am amusing. No, she wasn't complimenting me, she was saying that life is too short to be with someone who thinks they are funny.
Anywho, today I am reading old blog entries on Misadventures in Maturity site and chuckling over the antics of house sitters.
Last night, I read a chapter in PJ O'Rourke's book Driving Like Crazy: Thirty Years of Vehicular Hell-bending, Celebrating America the Way It's Supposed To Be -- With an Oil Well in Every Backyard, a Cadillac ... of the Federal Reserve Mowing Our Lawn where PJ mentions a friend with cancer, down to 90 pounds and walking on 2 canes. The friend has taken to wearing a XXL t-shirt emblazoned with "I Am A Vegetarian" -- just for kicks.

Funny shit I've seen/heard lately:
  • Rescue Me episode "Carrot" - Sean has a new medical problem.
  • Dawn said she needed a new pedicure and thought her "cocaine toenail" was due for a trim.
  • Tropic Thunder movie - Robert Downey Jr's character Kirk Lazarus says to annoying platoon mate "What? You been talkin' to me this whole time?" It isn't that funny out of context but Dawn and I decided immediately that we are gonna start saying this to every one that bores us with blather.
  • Chrysanthemum's doctor and insurance company requires photos of her chest before approving a breast reduction. We laughed and laughed when we imagined their reaction if she went in the waiting room with Mardi Gras pearl necklaces and drink cups and then pretended she was on "Girls Gone Wild".

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Quote of the day

That must be like eating the devil's asshole.
--as uttered by Jay Thomas on his Sirius satellite radio show

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Quote of the day

You should not be a victim of your own sophistication.
--Jay Thomas

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Why do I bother?

Sammy's new favorite place to nap

Friday, August 07, 2009

Don't wanna be like you

When some folks don't want to be considered part of a group, they often ridicule it and lately I have found myself disparaging old folks and their behaviors that I find typical and irritating like watching Wheel of Fortune, driving slow and being general pains in the ass. I wonder if making fun of them separates me, kinda like the way I run down married folks and parents as in, please don't look at me at part of their group because I am not. I wonder if it is a defense mechanism, to disdain what I am not a part of, the way non-Greeks would make fun of those in sororities or fraternities. Reject them before they can reject you.
I remember my divorced grandmother exclaiming her disappointment of a suitor's advanced age. Turns out he was 2 years older but she didn't think of herself as her real age so why should she settle for an old man. She saw him as old and feeble while she was vibrant. It opened my eyes to the discrepancy of reality and how we look at ourselves. Who hasn't met someone that wouldn't be considered a catch but yet they thought they deserved the youngest and the hottest?
Man, I don't wanna get old. I don't want be considered old. And I am not old. Yet.

Just being pro-active with my disdain so there's no confusion. That group? I am not part of it.

Things I am not doing, thus, not old:

  • Calling my bank every other day to get my account balance.

  • Carrying a white vinyl purse with tissues, $2 and a supermarket discount card.

  • Driving slow and coasting through stop signs.

  • Watching Wheel (of Fortune).

  • Talking about my latest hip replacement surgery to every stranger in my path.

  • Bragging that I don't anything a thing about computers.

  • Wearing eye-watering amounts of Youth Dew perfume.

  • Eating budget priced cat food.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Quote of the day

After four years, the dust doesn't get any worse.

--Quentin Crisp

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

There's something wrong with my mouth

Or the link between my brain and my mouth.
For years, my brother Rollo and I have marveled at my innate ability to say exactly the wrong thing. Not just inappropriate, but dead on awkward. (Rollo says it is a gift.)

I sat in front of the home insurance chick's desk last year to talk about house stuff. She asked something that I did not know so I instructed her to "just talk to me like a retard 'cause this is my first house and I don't know much about the whole new house process". Then as she turned to look at her computer screen, I spied a photo on her bulletin board with, yep, you guessed it, a nice family photo of an older lady with a special needs child. Once again, I was mortified.

But I think I now know WHY I say the wrong things - I must have ESP. Somehow I know in advance what you are ashamed of or what would make you uncomfortable.

Last week I met a guy and had the overwhelming urge to say something about pedophiles. It may have been the first time in my life that I controlled my tongue. But man oh man, now I am wondering about that guy and wish I knew his last name so I could do an Internet neighborhood pedophile search on him.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Duck that, I gotta pee

Last week, I visited a fancy schmancy hunting lodge and when I approached the restrooms I noticed only duck plaques on the doors, no labels stating "male" or "female". Being a south Louisiana gal, I instantly recognized it was a mallard and had a good idea which was female but would be really embarrassed if I opened on a guy at a urinal.
Would you have guessed correctly?*

*top photo - male;
bottom - female.
And yes, I guessed correctly.
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