Wednesday, July 26, 2006

No wonder old people don't laugh

Jake asked Kathy the counter gal for a plastic bag. She went behind the door and returned the bag over her head and a grin on her face. I let out a laugh and turned to see that Jake's reaction wasn't quite as amused as Kathy's and mine. Kathy instantly knew that she had offended him.

Jake said, "Yeah, I know you are just fooling around but it isn't so funny to me and my family because my young nephew died when he accidently smothered himself."


Which got me to thinking that my brother and I used to tell dead baby jokes but no longer can we hear them and nor do we think them funny.

Saw a T-shirt once that said "I am already imagining you with tape over your mouth" and laughed out loud. About a week later, my friend told me the story of her pal that, you guessed it, was abducted, taped up, raped and left to die. Guess her pal would not like to see that T-shirt.

Remember the English punk group wore Auschwitz prisoner uniforms and created such controversy? They were going for the shock factor but had underestimated the vehemence of the survivors and the power of the Anti-Defamation League.

The older you get, the more life experiences you have and more opportunities to be offended at humor or lame attempts to it. And sure, we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously and I love irreverent humor but sometimes wonder if truly biting dark humor is just for the young, the immature and the insulated.

I hope not.

I think.

Monday, July 17, 2006

I Got Hot Nuts!

This weekend Will and I went with John to retrieve items out of his Katrina flooded house in New Orleans. It was truly as awful as I imagined.

We had a few laughs though. John has totally subscribed to the hand-out way of life. If there is a line for something free, he gets in it. Kind of like a reverse Mardi Gras parade.

As we approached the Seventeenth Street levee, we saw a charity group distributing MREs and water. John instructed Will to slow down 'cause he spied another guy with snacks. We rolled down the window in time to hear the guy say, "I got hot nuts." Of course, I giggled. He then asked Will if he wanted some hot nuts. Will said, "I don't believe I do." I cackled and shouted to the guy that maybe he should put some ointment on his hot nuts. He grinned.

So then we went in the house to see what we could see. Will scrambled up the attic stairs like an agile monkey and we salvaged some Christmas and Mardi Gras decorations. At one point we were all standing on the sidewalk, taking a breather when Will dropped this gem. "Dude, your house is FUCKED up." Thank you for that report, Will.

So then God got Will back when Will cut his wrist on the garage door glass. We Cajun-rigged it with electrical tape and paper towels. Thankfully John's misshapen head sustained no injuries.

Oh, John made us stop at another distribution site so he could get some hand sanitizer. He walked away with a crossword puzzle book, 4 candy bars and a box of 100 Tampons. The tampons he gave to me.

While in John's bedroom, John reached into his closet to show us a piece of clothing. Will stopped him from disturbing the contents and rustling even more moldy dust. He said, "There are a lot of clothes in there but not a bit of fashion. Leave it."

That is our report from New Orleans, Louisiana.

Hot nuts or tampons, anyone?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Reality Show Audition

Hello All!

Nope, not packing my bags for fame THIS week.

Here is the story my participation in the open audition for Apprentice - both the Trump and Martha editions were combined.

I arrived at 7:45 to find a decent line of folks ahead of me. A chat with the mall security dude revealed that about 15 people camped out overnight. Wristbands were distributed at 9AM and I was number 85. Number 35 arrived at 7. The total group count was 191.

We were lucky enough to line up indoors near the food court and use the chairs. The food court vendor dude provided free coffee and the smoothie folks gave us samples. I noted a tall dude about the 50 person mark that stood up the entire morning with a silly smile on his face and thought "what a goof ball". Later noticed my line mates were snickering in his direction and we determined that indeed that tall dude was the American Idol reject that sang "Eye of the Tiger" so dreadfully. Unfortunately, that was the only celebrity sighting of the day.

I brought a book to pass the time in case I was near a bunch of losers but am glad to report that my line mates were very interesting. Of course I got the "you look familiar, do we know each other" that I get all the time. This was from dude in the row in front of me. He then asked if I had "any hobbies that take me out of town?" with a what I thought to be a leer. Geez, Louise, as if I would tell a total stranger that I enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation in our first meeting. Turns out the dude just has a facial tic and told me that he is a dog show person. Okay.

Rick the insurance dude and Moesha the stafffing chick (in a turquoise suit, white hose, pumps and purse, God bless her) were interesting and very professional. No one really participated in making fun of the others in line until later when we spied an older female with a rolling suitcase and a brimming tote bag full of craft projects, pralines and smocked dresses. Maybe she thought this was the "Wickedly Perfect" reality show audition?

Interviews in groups of 9 began, slowly. The audition leader was Kristin (a young cute female) who opened by saying that we were to make ourselves noticed by addressing her topics in our own communication style, cursing was fine. I may have shot myself in the foot by not immediately yelling out, "Hey Labia, shut the fuck up, you fuckin' fuck!" But I digress.

We introduced ourselves around the table. She asked if we were watching this season and asked if we were lying when we all said yes. She went on to ask if Martha is better than Trump, if or when a female candidate would win the Apprentice, etc. A landscape architect chick always spoke first or second with a loud dude next to me following. I waited for dude to pause and threw in my two cents. The meek and polite were not heard.

The audition closed with Kristin instructing us to do an Apprentice style exercise with each of us selecting a team leader (not ourselves ) and one person to fire. Most selected a team leader from the line mates that we were most familiar with. And, as expected, one arrogant dude insisted on selecting himself. (No big surprise since the same jackass handed Kristin a 75 page bound booklet with his application.)

I am glad to report that I was not fired by anyone but nor was I selected as team leader. My "fired" selection was the young pup next to me because he was so soft spoken. He took a couple more hits for the same reason (people copying ME, as always) and Rick hit him 'cause he wore flip flops. Go Rick! One chick fired a dude because "he looked like he THINKS he knows everything and I just don't like him". Whoa! Another got a hit for borrowing a pen and filling out his application while in line. Kristin seemed to be amused and entertained by this part of the session.

She then dismissed us by saying that call backs would be placed Saturday night so answer our phones even if we thought it was a telemarketer. I knew then that NO one in our group would be called back due to the fact that she was not looking at the applications fanned out in neat order in front of her. She was not matching applications with names and faces or making eye contact. UNLESS she is just that good at casting and keeping a poker face. I doubt it.
No Polaroids taken, no video camera.

That was it. Glad that I tried out because it was interesting but man, what pressure it must be "On" all the time. Never mind, not for me. I will just have to choose my own moments of being ON and yelling out profanities when I feel like it.

Shut the fuck up, Labia!

Pack your meat holes!

Right after our hurricane, I heard on the radio that our fair mayor asked all homeowners to dispose of rotting food by digging a meat hole in their yard. He further said that it was permissible to place cheese in your meat hole. And eggs, if your meat hole is large enough. It is okay to have a both a front meat hole and a back meat hole. That is, for your front yard and backyard.
My brother Rollo dug a large hole for his rancid meat and he said it was so hot that he actually perspired into his meat hole. Then he packed it so much that his meat hole was mounded. (Now, eight months later, the meat hole is just now getting level.) The neighbor Pete recommended lime for the meat hole but I find that I like lemon best. For those keeping a kosher household, separate the meat from the dairy in two different meat holes.
And keep an eye out for dogs, they'll be rootin' around your meat hole if you don't watch out.
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