Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Duh! of the day - Louisiana is nation's laziest state

from Business Week ,
No. 1 Laziest State: Louisiana
Time sleeping: 8 hours, 44 minutes

Time watching TV: 3 hours, 5 minutes
Time relaxing and thinking: 29 minutes
Time socializing: 54 minutes
Time working (ages 15 and older): 2 hours, 41 minutes
Median age: 35.1
Obesity ranking: No. 5 (31.2 percent)
We aren't trying to beat up on Louisiana. Goodness knows, between Hurricane Katrina and the Gulf Oil Spill, the state has been through some tough times in recent years. But the statistics speak for themselves: Residents of the state (which happens to be the country's third-poorest) watch more television per day than any other Americans except South Carolinians. They also rank third for being the most social, which includes entertaining and talking with friends, family, and other acquaintances. The average time spent working among all Louisianans is shorter than all other states, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.
(Data compiled before the Gulf Oil Spill so does not reflect recent spill-related layoffs.)
Hells yeah, we're lazy!
First, it's hot as a crotch in July and twice as muggy.
For dudes, that means bat wings.
For chicks, it's crotch pot cookin'.
Plus, we're tired.
Tired from picking up roof shingles from the damned hurricanes.
Tired of waiting for the insurance adjuster.
Entitlement-sapped from picking up our FEMA checks.
Spent from picking up our BP checks.
Achy from picking up sacks of crawfish.
Bloated from eating MREs.
Pooped out from evacuating from storms and such.
Done from collecting ice from the nice military boys.
Fatigued from unloading and reloading the refrigerator.
Sweaty from digging our meat holes.
Bored over hating on dolls.
Exhausted from partying.
Dog ass weary from parading.
It takes a lot of energy to rant, bitch, hate and judge. Think your day is long? Try living with multiple personalities in your head and all of them pushing their own agenda.
But hey, we're also thinking and socializing and planning the next crawfish boil and parade so give us credit for pacing ourselves.
Business Weekly should give Louisiana a major fucking break. I'd kick their ass but that would mean getting off the sofa . . . and the ice in my adult beverage is melting . . .
so I'll catch ya on the flipside, Biz Weak.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Funny Ass Shit: Pervert on the phone

Y'know, every once in a while, my smart mouth serves me well, like the time an unidentified male caller asked for "Laqueesha" to which I informed "there is no one here by that name". He then asked my name and said I "sounded cute".

"You want to know my name?"


So, I said, in a low tone at a volume just above a whisper, "I'm your worst nightmare."

A long pause followed by a "sorry, wrong number" was the response, along with a dial tone.

Freakin' out the phone perv? One of my proudest moments.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

My grandmother asked

When telling her my man woes, she dropped this gem,
"Why the fuck are you crying? You're the one with the pussy!"

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Dad-ism

"Damn, if you asked her what time it was, she would tell you how to build a clock."
-- his analogy of the secretary's long winded answers

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why is that?

My friend Elizabeth asked the timeless question today:
The troll that is known as Rachel Zoe is on QVC hawking her wares. I would love to know why they are called caftans when you are skinny and muumuus when you are fat?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A day in the life, in Louisiana


I shouldn't have been surprised to see a local merchant proudly display the above product. It's called a "Game Processor" or a portable butchering kit.

All I could say was, "Dude."

The counter guy noticed and said, "Yeah, it's even got a rib spreader."

"I'm sure it's very handy to have but it's kinda, um, well, gory", I reply.

He shakes his head in assent, "Oh yeah, definitely. It's basically a serial killer trunk set."

Monday, July 19, 2010

What he said

Saturday morning, seven-year old nephew Gregory and I were in line to go down the waterslide.

"Hey Gregory, be sure to scream this time," I instructed.

"I did."

"No, Gregory, that was me. You didn't scream at all."

"You couldn't hear me because I scream in my head."

I laughed, "You do?"

"Yeah. I'm doing right now."

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Worse thing I ever said?

While listening to the Mel Gibson rant filled recordings, I wondered if any of my words would haunt me . . .
Thinking the worst thing I ever said was to the alcoholic ass boyfriend. During a particularly frustrating weekend of arguments, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with both eyes shut.

"What does that mean?" he slurred.

"I just don't understand how you shut both your eyes and sleep, knowing how much I hate you right now. And knowing there's an loaded gun in the house. Knowing those two things proves you're not as smart as you think you are."

I should probably feel ashamed but I don't. Besides, he probably didn't remember hearing it.

As my pastor once asked, what good is suffering? What can come from it?
For me, it is empathy.
I understand why folks can scream hateful words or fantasize about shooting their spouse in the face.

Friday, July 16, 2010

My grandmother said

The best way
to get over a man
is to get
another one.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Mel Gibson's latest quote (of the day)

"You will fucking smile


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Party ingredients

Because that's how Rikki Tikki Tavi rolls.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

From my sainted grandmother

If you spay,
you won't
the spray.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Duh of the Day - get spayed!

No shit, that crazy ass octomom hyena laugher Nadya Suleman willingly posed with PETA's new campaign ad
Don't let your dog or cat
become an "octomom

in exchange for $5000 and a month's supply of veggie hotdogs.

Suleman, 34, acknowledged she put the sign on her door partly for the money but added her support of PETA is sincere.

"I love animals and I do believe they should be spayed or neutered," she said. "Humans of course are much different."

Duh, wacked out breeder! Humans are much different. Trust me on this, it's so much more difficult to jam humans into my a back seat and force them into sterilization but just like a cute but stupid dog or cat, some two-leggeds shouldn't make their own breeding decisions. Talk to any reputable dog breeder and they'll liken Nadya to a puppy mill. I'm just sayin', if my neighbor allowed their hormonally deranged mama dog sporting pavement dragging teats to produce 14 litters of puppies within 8 years, they should probably expect a visit from the parish* animal shelter or zoning commission.
*county to the rest of "you people"

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Tumor comparisons

Should you describe the size of a tumor or any other gross medical mass, PLEASE, for the love of ME, would you NOT compare it to a fruit but instead use sports balls?

The conjured visual of tumors and food is unsettling.

And while we're at it, can we NOT say someone was "fingered for the crime"? It seems to provoke a clenching sensation.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Al Gore's inconvenient erection

~OR~ Douche of the Day

My birthday gift arrived right on time with news of Al Gore's unwanted sexual advances upon a hired masseuse.

I want to believe it.
I hope her saved pants from their encounter really do have traces of his "DNA".
I'd like to start a new catch phrase ~~
"I got your global warming right here!"
(Must be paired with the requisite crotch grab.)

Please do your part by performing this phrase (with the grab) at least 3 times a day for the next week and let's see if it catches on.

Thanking you in advance,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Sunday, July 04, 2010

You can help with the oil spill clean up effort

Yes, I know BP is responsible for the damage but many volunteer groups are participating and you can help.
Craft Hope is distributing cloths to several institutions, including the Institute for Marine Mammal Studies in Gulfport, Mississippi but now need financial help to store, distribute and ship the cloths.
~~OR~~ send directly to the IMMS at 10801 Dolphin Lane, Gulfport, MS 39503. Package up your cloths and label package with cloth specifications and quantity to aid quick dispersal. Want to do more? Throw in a bottle of Dawn dishwashing liquid. (Why Dawn?)
The IMMS website wish list indicates towels (any size) but Craft Hope specifications indicated wash cloth and hand towel size to be helpful. Larger towels are unwieldy for cleaning and handling animals. Get out your scissors and cut 10" X 10" squares or 14" X 27" rectangles. Think absorbent and think throwaway. If it is soft enough to wipe your skin, it's good. Cut up your towels, sheets, wash cloths, whatever. Loose threads could snag on animals so if you can sew, zigzag or serge those raw edges.
T-shirts are perfect because they don't fray nor require edge finishing. Don't include the printed portions of the T-shirts as they aren't absorbent. Cut off the short sleeves and leave as is; a gloved hand fits perfectly into it.
Here is link to more details about cloth specifications.
Get your friends and family involved, combine your contributions, send a big box of cloths and know that you are part of the solution. Plus, you probably de-cluttered your t-shirt stash and linen closet!
Many thanks!!!

Pigs on the loose

By now, you've heard Mel Gibson's racist rant toward his whore/baby mama: "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

But what you don't know is the numerous reports of police officers stopping and questioning roving groups of suspicious dudes and the alarming trend the law enforcement now know. The cops asked where the group members were going and where they've been. More often than not, the dudes would say they've been seeking pigs in heat.

Be careful out there, y'hear?

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Funniest rant ever

Mel Gibson tells his whore/baby mama, "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

What would be my retort?
"Dude, you'll need to rearrange your list with the first priority of making damn sure you pull out all my teeth!"
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