Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Self abuse

Every morning when I look into the mirror, I see what self abuse can do a person. But while in the warm shower, the urge takes over and regardless of the consequences and subsequent shame, I cannot help myself. I am probably adding years to my appearance but the vigorous rubbing must happen. It just feels so good to rub and massage my eyes under warm water of the showerhead.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Quote of the day

"You know what they say:
Spare the Taser, spoil the child."
--as uttered today by Howard Stern on Sirius satellite radio

Friday, November 07, 2008

New baby mediations

My married friends are expecting a child and Eileen wonders if we can continue to be friends since I have been quite vocal in my dislike of children. Kay also. And Dawn too. But we like Eileen and Ernest enough to consider that concessions should be made by both the breeder and childless-by-choice folks. We feel these considerations should be discussed now before feelings are hurt later.

Here is our preliminary* trade-off list:

We promise to give ample notice of outings so you can get a sitter. In other words, get a sitter. Kids are a buzz kill at parties and dinner.

We won't tell stories about getting drunk and where we wake up if you don't tell baby stories. Save those for your breeder friends.

We won't share gross stuff about our own bodies if you zip it on the gross baby stuff.

If you don't contribute toward our rent or mortgages, don't expect us to fund your baby needs. Breeding is no reason for a handout of expensive gifts.

Don't bitch about the cost of in vitro. Birth control pills cost even less but often aren't covered under insurance.

Our houses are not baby-proofed nor you should not expect them to be. Watch your children and teach them some boundaries! We will, however, put away the crack pipe and razors if you visit.

Decide ahead of time which spouse will carry the screaming brat out of the room. We don't want to witness an awkward argument but we will discuss it afterwards.

Really, it all boils down to: know your audience. Your mom wants to hear every doggone thing about Baby Precious. Us? Not so much.

*List to be amended under the comment section. Add yours, please.

Don't make me laugh while eating

My sister RikkiTikkiTavi and I were eating ChickFilA at the mall food court today when she spied a young freak with multi-colored hair and lime green shoes. We were watching him enjoy his specialness. I noticed and commented on his quite large star-shaped tattoos centered on both elbow bones and wondered aloud what those would look like when he was sixty.
Without a beat, RikkiTikkiTavi said, "He'll never make it to sixty."
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