Monday, April 21, 2008

Redneck Pranksters, my favorite kind

Remember a few months back when all the network news programs were airing YouTube clips of kids performing the fire in the hole prank? One part of me felt sorry for those poor minimum wage folks that received a shower of biggie drink full of cola but the other part of me kinda snickered at the prank.
I just remembered about the redneck version of this prank:

Pig-tossing is the newest trend among redneck pranksters.
West Point, Mississippi has been seeing a rash of animal-tossing episodes, the Associated Press reports.
The most recent episode was the toss of a 60-pound pig over the counter of the Holiday Inn Express by Kevin Pugh, 20. No one was hurt, including the pig.
Pugh was fined $279, and given some very strange looks by police, who find the trend very bizarre.
"This was the silliest thing I've ever seen," McCaskill said. "Almost every officer we had was involved because the incidents kept happening at different hours."
McCaskill said there have been four late-night incidents involving animal-tossing at West Point businesses. Twice a pig was tossed; two of the incidents involved possums.
"He [Pugh] said it was a prank," McCaskill said. "It must be some redneck thing, because I haven't ever heard of anything like it."
All four of the incidents took place between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., according to McCaskill.
Pugh is accused in another animal-throwing incident at a Hardee's restaurant.

My friend Dawn thinks they got this idea from the "Squeal of Fortune" episode on Sesame Street. Guy Smiley is the host and the "Count" is his Vanna White type assistant. They put a pig prostrate on the wheel and spin it really hard to see how many times it squeals before the wheel stops. The "Count" keeps tally by saying "ONE.....ONE SQUEAL, TWO.....TWO SQUEALS....ETC..." They never actually show the pig barfing but it appears that it is definitely woozy. It's awesome and makes me laugh.

That's some pig.

Friday, April 18, 2008

It is necessary to cover my hole

This is an update to Neccessity is the mother f'er of invention entry. Hmmmm . . . how to cover my misbegotten hole?

Big vintage button, little vintage button, one small bead and some string.

Done. Mother f'er.

Feng Shui must be done with INTENTION

I am into the Feng Shui thing. Well, sometimes you just decorate and place things without having the "intention" part of your brain in gear.
The other night I was reading (skimming) the "relationship/love" section of yet another Feng Shui book and thinking, "Yeah, whatever, I could give a shit about THAT chapter" as I let my eyes wander to the relationship corner of my bedroom.
Well, my attitude was quite obvious by the items placed there. A small headless female mannequin form, all by herself, surrounded by antique hats and hat boxes!
What is THAT?! I got no head? (No brain?) I cannot think clearly about relationships? Old head coverings = old attitudes? Doggone it, the headless chick cannot even WEAR the hats! Am I sending out a vibe or WHAT?
Needless to say, I moved the items in question. No, have not replaced with "man getting" stuff but don't won't to tempt fate TOO much!
Thought you would enjoy my sad little life,
what with my desolate relationship corner and all,
I am,

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Found this nugget of gold in my e-mail file, from my friend Danielle. Samisms are utterances by, you got it, Sam. (Permission to post granted by Danielle. Sam, however, may throttle me.)


Sam: Boy, you can sure tell spring is here.
Danielle: You sure can, it’s really nice outside.
Sam: Yeah, and also because all of the good stuff is turning up in the trash piles.

Sam: There’s a direct correlation between those "License to Win" stickers and the amount of insurance coverage on the car!

Sam: You know what it means when a New Orleans Sewage & Water Department truck has its sirens on, don’t you?
Danielle: No, What?
Sam: It means they’re drunk.

Sam: There’re more 18-wheelers here on the Westbank than any other place in the world.

Sam: (Talking about a near car accident) I would have been ACCORDIANIZED right then & there.

Sam: (In the car pointing to a bumper sticker) THAT’S the second most dangerous bumper sticker in the world!
Danielle: What is?
Sam: Anything with the word Jesus on it!
Danielle: What’s the first?
Sam: "The License to Wwin" sticker of course.

Sam: (iIn the pool looking down freaked out) There’re two of them, and THEY’VE GOT ME!
(Turned out to be a pair of goggles in the pool; Sam thought it was two snakes)

Sam: (On the phone) Damn, that son of a bitch just bit me like an alligator.
Danielle: What bit you?
Sam: This F’n piece of plastic that I’m trying to split open.

Sam: If you ever see one of these residents around here driving erratic, I can guarantee you’ll need to do some sort of death defying stunt just to survive the situation.

Sam: Don’t borrow stuff if you’re not going to put it back where you found it! I don’t think YOU’D appreciate it very much if I confiscated YOUR cosmetics and rerouted them to where I think they belonged and to where you would have to waste HOURS of your precious time looking for it. I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME DANIELLE! Oh, here it is. (One minute after he began searching for it).

Sam: (In the car on the way to the airport leaving for an Alaskan cruise with his family) It’ll be a miracle if I make it through this trip without contracting some type of deadly disease.
Danielle: Where do you plan on contracting a deadly disease?
Sam: Cruise ships are full of nasty foreigners who drag all kinds of bacteria up from wherever they come from to infect unsuspecting tourists like me.

Sam: (calling in from the Alaskan Cruise). Well it’s fun-n-all but it’s basically just one huge floating geriatric ward. I’m pretty sure that I’m the youngest person on this boat.

Sam: What are you doing tonight?
Danielle: I’m going over to a friend’s house for dinner and a movie.
Sam: Well, it seems it’s gotten to the point that if I expect to get anything good to eat I’m going to have to get you to regurgitate it all when I get home at night. Just like a bird.

Danielle: I want to get a Convertible
Sam: What in the world do you want that for? All that is a one big skin cancer accelerant.

Sam: Look what happened to me the other day…a GD ant was in my eyeball! There I go to scratch an itch and a GD ANT’S IN MY EYE. That was no better than that damn wasp that was going for my crotch while I was trying to drive, with cars coming at me at all angles. I barely made it to work within an inch of my life.

Danielle: (oOn phone) Whatcha doin?
Sam: Fixing something I brought here to work
Danielle: What is it?
Sam: A tube amp made by switchblade toting Dagos from some horrible area in New York. It’s very collectible.

Sam: Let me tell you, you don’t want to get into a quarrel with a squirrel, they’re vicious. One night I was sitting in the shed working on something, I look up and damned if there wasn’t a squirrel in mid-air coming right at me.

Danielle: Did you try the stew I made?
Sam: Yeah, I tried it
Danielle: Did you like it?
Sam: Not really, I nearly threw up on the last bite.
Danielle: Then I guess I’ll throw out the other serving of it.
Sam: Nah, I’ll eat it.

Sam: I keep finding all kinds of artifacts in our new backyard.
Danielle: Really, what have you found?
Sam: I just found an old dog chain with a padlock on it, and the other day I found a metal sticker that you put on rose bushes.
Danielle: Are you sure those are artifacts?
Sam: Well I’m keeping them.

Danielle: Have you found a roofer?
Sam: Yeah, I found a couple of Mexican dudes at work who said they’d do it for cheap.
Danielle: That sounds good.
Sam: Yyeah but before you know it one of them’ll have a seizure, fall to the ground, and sue us. Then we’ll be sorry.

Sam: Why don’t you bring me more than two rolls of toilet paper to the new house? I don’t particularly like having to waddle from bathroom to bathroom with my drawers around my ankles searching for it.
Danielle: I don’t understand where two rolls of toilet paper could have gone in a couple of days.
Sam: Well then, I guess the neighbors are breaking in and wiping their ASSES with it!

Sam: Some big overgrown monstrosity of a woman seized every loaf of Jewish rye bread in the store before I had a chance to get any of it.

Sam: I need you to bring me more toilet paper.
Danielle: Look around the house, I just brought you some.
Sam: Well, you bring it to me, then you have the nerve to come around here and spend the whole day snotting and peeing - using it all up!

Danielle: Did you like the biscuit I made you, I added cheese this time.
Sam: It didn’t have any cheese on it.
Danielle: Yes it did, I put it on all of the ones I made last night.
Sam: Well, there wasn’t any on this one, I was, however mystified by the 6 grains of cheese resting peacefully on the aluminum foil.

Danielle: Do you think we need to check the electrical system before the walls go up?
Sam: Nah, I’m 99 point f’n 9 percent sure that it’s all right.

Danielle: I’m going to try out for Wheel of Fortune this Sunday. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Sam: Since when did Wheel of Fortune take precedence over the welfare of our home?

Danielle: What do you think of my hair? I just got it layered.
Sam: You pay all that money to the woman to get your hair done and she goes and cuts it up in all different lengths?

Sam: I went to the thrift store today and had another one of those Woody Allen moments.
Danielle: What does that mean?
Sam: Well I’m inching around this person that at first I can’t tell whether it’s a girl or a guy but I figure it’s a girl by her arm. She backed herself into me and bent over really far so I could see her ass. On the top of her crack there was a tattoo that said “Do you wanna do it?” She got back up and kinda looked at me but I just ignored her so she steamed up and stomped off.
Danielle: What did she look like?
Sam: She had that dental hygienist look going, like out of an old porno.
Danielle: That sounds completely made up.
Sam: Nah, stuff like that happens to me all the time.

SCENE: Canal Street Ferry, Sam is sprinkling his dad’s ashes into the Mississippi River.
Sam: I wonder if, while he’s down there, Dad can find that watch I lost in the river a while back.
Danielle: Maybe he’ll come to you in a dream to tell you where it is.
Sam: Even so, it’ll be ruined anyway. It’s been 7 years.

Sam: (On phone) blah….blah…blah…
Danielle: (Pretending to listen) umm..hmmmm….
Sam: You’re not evening listening to anything I’m saying.
Danielle: Yes I am.
Danielle: What’d you say?
Sam: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. Now you’re listening so hard you’re hearing shit!

(The radio mentioned something about Bloomfield, California)
Sam: I’ve been to that place, it’s really nice. I warn you against going into the woods when you’re there, though.
Danielle: Why? Bears?
Sam: No, Vietnam veterans growin' weed that’ll kill ya!
Danielle: The veteran or the weed?
Sam: What do you think???
Danielle: I have no idea
Sam: Well you oughta (walks off).

Danielle: You need to hurry up and install my air conditioner, I’m hot.
Sam: You need to learn how to do it yourself instead of lying around like some kind of prima donna expecting me to do everything.
Danielle: You need to treat me more special instead of some kind of workhorse.
Sam: Hah! If you’re a workhorse, you ass is still in the stall!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

You win the cute contest

Mom, Rikki Tikki Tavi and I started the Cute Contest eons ago. You meet, take a quick look at each other and decide who looks the best: head to toe, clothing and coiffure. Then you pronounce someone as the winner of the Cute Contest. You have the option of accepting graciously or deflecting and saying, "No, YOU win the cute contest, I love your shoes."

Not feeling cute? You should head off participation by loudly proclaiming, "I am not playing the Cute Contest today." You can say that on the phone before you even leave the house. "Okay, I'll meet you at the theater but I am telling you right now that I am NOT playing the cute contest . . . although I do have a fresh pedicure and my sandals are cute."

However, even if one is not feeling confident and has stated that they are not playing the Cute Contest, they may still win. "Girl, I know you are not playing but that new cute hair 'do alone wins the Cute Contest."
If all gathered have not put in an effort for attractiveness, the Cute Contest is not mentioned AT ALL.

Here's a twist on the Cute Contest. You can state that YOU win the Cute Contest, either in person or on phone but you must qualify such statement. "I win the Cute Contest today because I am wearing this sundress that hasn't fit since last summer."
AND you can tell of a Cute Contest that others weren't even aware of their participation. "I had a meeting today with the Ladies Luncheon group and I totally won the Cute Contest."

Here's hoping YOU win the cute contest!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Necessity is mother(f*#^er) of invention

Whoever said that "necessity is the mother of invention" was misquoted.

If you were on a not-quite-tall-enough ladder with a drill in your hand, wishing that the bit were magnetized because you keep dropping the screw, holding an extra screw in your pursed lips, trying not to imagine the potential pain if you accidentally swallowed it and fell off the ladder but thanking yourself that the cat is well fed and will probably wait a few days before he began to gnaw on your face or fingers, but you finally get the screw in and it did NOT hit the stud and now you have big ass hole in the wall. And now you need a way to fix your misbegotten hole.
MOTHER is NOT the word you say.
It seems incomplete somehow.
MOTHER needs a last name.
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