Friday, January 29, 2010

What did you call me?

For a couple minutes during each Sunday church service, an adult invites all the children to the ambo to hear a short discussion that illustrates the previous Scripture reading and upcoming sermon. Sometimes, the children's sermon is easier to grasp than the sermon intended for the mature.
Last week, the church lady adult illustrated the 1st Corinthians body analogy of our different talents and unique gifts with a toolbox, as in, if you had a nail, you need a hammer. Each tool has a job. No tool is more important. We need to use each tool correctly.
And then she said, "Look out there at the congregation. What do you see? I see lots of tools. Lots of tools just waiting to be used."

And you would've been so very proud of me. I didn't laugh, snort or spew but I did bite my lip.

Sometimes a tool for God,
but rarely a sunbeam,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Jersey Shore douches and douchettes holding out for vinegar

Maybe I heard wrong.
Something like the cast wants more money and are united in their money hold out. Dude, I watched that guilty cheese fest, don't need to see any more and neither do you. What would be better, me thinks, is multi-city seasons featuring scum bags and whore bags from each geographical armpit of the great nation. Next stop: ??!
Let's see some liberal dirty hippie types in Colorado, ignorant party freaks in Louisiana and how's about Florida? Which group should we look for there?
Hit the road, Jersey Shore bitches and man-whores! You're yesterday's douche water. See ya in the casino restroom, where your job will be handing out paper towels and hoping for a tip.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Quote of the day

Jay Thomas watched some "brown people" on CNN on Monday and commented that "I couldn't decide if street folks I was seeing were in Haiti or New Orleans".
--Jay Thomas Show on Sirius satellite radio

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Next: Hell will freeze over (Saints win!)

The New Orleans Saints won tonight's play-off game to cinch a spot in the 2010 Super Bowl. And just like a typical Saints game, it comes down to the last second with a kicker saving the game. This time his name was Garrett Hartley.*

I talked trash about the Saints for the last several years and haven't watched a game all season but tuned in tonight just to see what everyone else in the entire Great State of Louisiana was watching. A bakery didn't have as many turnovers as I saw tonight but Drew Brees threw completed pass even as he was being tackled. Grace under pressure, I tell ya.

During this morning's church service, the pastor's wife played piano and the intro sounded a little "blues-y". I thought, "that must be why they don't let her play very often" but she fooled us by going into "When The Saints Go Marching In". Our normally uptight congregation actually clapped in rhythm. To a beat, I say. Saints fever at 10:30 AM service.

Loved the live cam shot of a "ghost town" Bourbon Street during the game and folks emptying out of the bars 2 seconds after the win. Would love to see a frame-by-frame play of that ant pile action.

Didn't enjoy seeing that rat bastard owner Tom Benson. He's still a piece of shite to me, remember his threatening to relocate the team if he didn't get a new stadium.

Congrats Saints.

Welcome to the 13 day drunken bacchanalia leading to Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, Florida and avoid the hangover by keepin' on until Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) February 16th. Thinking that not much will get accomplished in our boot-shaped state until Ash Wednesday rolls around.

*Back in the day it was Morten Andersen that locked the win when everything else went to hell.

Y'at image t-shirts sold at Dirty Coast

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Late Night Wars

All the recent network brouhaha reminds me of the war no one wants to talk about back in the day. It was a painful era in America but the Cola Wars divided communities. The evil not-genii at Coca~Cola changed their formula, dumped "New Coke" on the market but it was no good! Consumers cried foul, hoarding of "old" Coke began, bad behavior abounded, blah, blah, blah. Read all about it in "The Other Guy Blinked: How Pepsi Won the Cola Wars" by Pepsi executive Roger Enrico. (I would argue that Coca~Cola won because their loyal public clamored for original product instead of switching to Pepsi.)

Although not a regular viewer of late night television, it is very apparent that a major mis-step has been made with the shake up of personalities and time slots. (I am biased because I find Jay Leno most unfunny.) Have no idea if Conan forced NBC into promising an unreasonable 5 year plan or if Jay is a complete douche that refused to go away but somebody screwed up big time and the American public is paying the price for Jay returning to the earlier slot.

Thanks, Peacock Bastards, thanks a lot. <----example of sarcasm, Bastards, since you know absolutely nothing about humor

Friday, January 15, 2010

Get yours now

How best to deliver bad news?

With baby animals, of course.

Check out the books and calendar HERE!

Select and send an e-card HERE

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Catch ya on the flipside, Doc

My family's friend and doctor died last weekend. He was tolerant enough to allow my guesses of self diagnosis but drew the line once I told him I thought I had a touch of the kennel cough.
A few months ago, I went in with a sinus infection when he told me, and I shit you not, "With so many weather changes at this time of year, there would be something wrong with you if you weren't sick."

Yes, he and my dad were friends.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Funny of the day

Today I was assisting my dad with his computer and showed him how to set a bookmark or favorite. When I asked him which sites he visited regularly he said "none".
What about national news outlets?
Local newspaper?
Local television news?
The Weather Channel?
Really? You don't check the weather?

Here is what he said and I shit you not:
Well, it's gonna happen anyway so why read about it?

Friday, January 01, 2010

Fixer upper

When people first meet me, they find it unbelievable unusual that I am not married or otherwise attached. Interestingly, my oldest friends either accept my single status or know I am better on my own.
Anywho, while hanging out with some new friends, several married chicks quizzed me on my partner checklist. When this line of questioning begins, usually it is a method of determining if someone is "too picky", whatever that means. I don't consider myself "too picky" but my threshold for drama or bullshit is super low because solitary life isn't a negative for me. My standard line is I prefer men who are old, sick and rich.
Okay, back to story. Instead of list of wants, I gave the girls my short list of "deal breaker" characteristics. No addictions, no tobacco, no young kids.
One girl piped up, "But you want a Christian, a man that shares your faith!" I agreed with her but it wasn't quite true. A man of faith is a plus but what if it wasn't quite my particular ilk? A guy of no faith or a different faith would be easier than a guy that wanted to differ my beliefs. I feel that I am tolerant of other's religious beliefs but must admit I am not open minded enough to change mine for someone else.
And maybe the above illustrates a problem. Maybe I conjure clashes when there is none. Maybe I have become so comfortable in my habits and routine that even the thought of sharing faith seems foreign.
Heck, at this point, sharing a remote control is unfathomable to me.
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