Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Skitzo Leezra fragrance

Every other bitch has a fragrance out so I decided to develop one too. Celine, Britney, Avril, Sarah Jessica, Paris, J.Lo and countless others seem to think that we want to smell like them so there must be some idiot out there that would like me to throw together some stuff and slap a Skitzo Leezra Parfum label on it.

So, idiots, should my cologne not hit the shelves of your local sundries purveyor, here's the basic ingredient list:

* MarksALot - must be black, must be fresh. Mmmmm.

* Coca-Cola in a can- that fragrance that is emitted when you first pop the tab.

* Gin - Tanqueray or Bombay, no cheap stuff.

* Laundered cotton sheets dried on a outdoor line.

* Leather - don't go too crazy on this.

* Jo's Party House cupcakes - pure sugar, white cake, nuthin' fancy.

* fresh cracked black pepper

* fresh limes

* fresh lemons

* the tiniest dash of the vintage drugstore fragrance Evening in Paris


What would happen if gays get married?

Okay, here's the joke that is told at every single wedding. And you should tell it at the next nuptial gathering making sure to notice the reactions. Watch and contrast the reactions of married guys vs. single guys.

Q: Why does every bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Guys hate this joke but it never fails to illicit laughter from women which makes me wonder:
if gay men marry, do the blow jobs end?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Quote of the day

I think I make God laugh.
And I gotta tell ya something,
that's a burden sometimes.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I have a mouth like Samantha but wanna dress like Charlotte: MY review of Sex and the City, The Movie

First of all, I had no plans at all to see this movie but was invited by the girls. It helps that my expectations were low. Yeah, yeah, I watched the syndicated reruns of the show and enjoyed them okay but the writing was trite and Samantha's euphenisms and double entendres became tiresome but worse, was the idiocy of fashion stylist Patricia Fields insistence of sartorial foolishness. Ugh, how I would love to slap Ms. Fields for dressing Carrie in open back formalwear and intentionally exposed garish colored bras!
Anywho, this is a chick flick so don't even think of dragging your man to see it unless you promise him a very nice reward. He won't enjoy it and it is mean of you to insist. Now, should you be a fag hag and wanna bring your gay buddy, by all means, he will think it to be fabby pooh pooh pooh.
What to expect: (because every chick flick must include)
1) Dancing girl - indeed, someone decided long ago that girls/women/ladies spontaneously break into dance
2) Array of fashion items and things to covet - thankfully, most was the good stuff and not that nasty ass shit that proves that Patricia Fields hates women
3) Long, lingering shots of man flesh - wait, I change my mind, bring your guy so he can know what it feels like when we see gratuitous slo-mo glistening lady parts.
4) Impossible real estate in Manhattan

Back to review - lots of laugh out loud moments, status fashion galore, and well thought out stories of varied relationships. Very surprised that I liked and glad that I saw it.

Here is what I think to be the secret of the whole "Sex and the City" appeal: women like to think themselves as one of the characters but the truth is, most of us are ALL four of those women. Driven, domesticated, sexually charged, selfish, vapid, caring, confident, insecure, etc. If you don't have at least four personalities, you are not a real woman and no friend of mine.

Favorite quote from Samantha: "Shut up, fuck wad!"

My ranking: worth full price admission
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