Reality Show Audition

Hello All!

Nope, not packing my bags for fame THIS week.

Here is the story my participation in the open audition for Apprentice - both the Trump and Martha editions were combined.

I arrived at 7:45 to find a decent line of folks ahead of me. A chat with the mall security dude revealed that about 15 people camped out overnight. Wristbands were distributed at 9AM and I was number 85. Number 35 arrived at 7. The total group count was 191.

We were lucky enough to line up indoors near the food court and use the chairs. The food court vendor dude provided free coffee and the smoothie folks gave us samples. I noted a tall dude about the 50 person mark that stood up the entire morning with a silly smile on his face and thought "what a goof ball". Later noticed my line mates were snickering in his direction and we determined that indeed that tall dude was the American Idol reject that sang "Eye of the Tiger" so dreadfully. Unfortunately, that was the only celebrity sighting of the day.

I brought a book to pass the time in case I was near a bunch of losers but am glad to report that my line mates were very interesting. Of course I got the "you look familiar, do we know each other" that I get all the time. This was from dude in the row in front of me. He then asked if I had "any hobbies that take me out of town?" with a what I thought to be a leer. Geez, Louise, as if I would tell a total stranger that I enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation in our first meeting. Turns out the dude just has a facial tic and told me that he is a dog show person. Okay.

Rick the insurance dude and Moesha the stafffing chick (in a turquoise suit, white hose, pumps and purse, God bless her) were interesting and very professional. No one really participated in making fun of the others in line until later when we spied an older female with a rolling suitcase and a brimming tote bag full of craft projects, pralines and smocked dresses. Maybe she thought this was the "Wickedly Perfect" reality show audition?

Interviews in groups of 9 began, slowly. The audition leader was Kristin (a young cute female) who opened by saying that we were to make ourselves noticed by addressing her topics in our own communication style, cursing was fine. I may have shot myself in the foot by not immediately yelling out, "Hey Labia, shut the fuck up, you fuckin' fuck!" But I digress.

We introduced ourselves around the table. She asked if we were watching this season and asked if we were lying when we all said yes. She went on to ask if Martha is better than Trump, if or when a female candidate would win the Apprentice, etc. A landscape architect chick always spoke first or second with a loud dude next to me following. I waited for dude to pause and threw in my two cents. The meek and polite were not heard.

The audition closed with Kristin instructing us to do an Apprentice style exercise with each of us selecting a team leader (not ourselves ) and one person to fire. Most selected a team leader from the line mates that we were most familiar with. And, as expected, one arrogant dude insisted on selecting himself. (No big surprise since the same jackass handed Kristin a 75 page bound booklet with his application.)

I am glad to report that I was not fired by anyone but nor was I selected as team leader. My "fired" selection was the young pup next to me because he was so soft spoken. He took a couple more hits for the same reason (people copying ME, as always) and Rick hit him 'cause he wore flip flops. Go Rick! One chick fired a dude because "he looked like he THINKS he knows everything and I just don't like him". Whoa! Another got a hit for borrowing a pen and filling out his application while in line. Kristin seemed to be amused and entertained by this part of the session.

She then dismissed us by saying that call backs would be placed Saturday night so answer our phones even if we thought it was a telemarketer. I knew then that NO one in our group would be called back due to the fact that she was not looking at the applications fanned out in neat order in front of her. She was not matching applications with names and faces or making eye contact. UNLESS she is just that good at casting and keeping a poker face. I doubt it.
No Polaroids taken, no video camera.

That was it. Glad that I tried out because it was interesting but man, what pressure it must be "On" all the time. Never mind, not for me. I will just have to choose my own moments of being ON and yelling out profanities when I feel like it.

Shut the fuck up, Labia!