Wisenheimer Holiday

Baby sister spied this holiday display and wrote the following:


Heading to work this morning, something caught my eye
It was four reindeer, getting ready to fly?
Walter said, "Mom, look how funny
"Why is that reindeer on the other's tummy?"

I hooted with Christmas cheer
Envying the rowdy teenagers who decorate with a sneer
Luckily, I had my camera on hand
To share this Christmas spirit straight from small town Louisiana land!

A couple of pals have suggested the pranksters are indeed myself and the perverse humored baby sister. Sadly, no. We love us a prank but feel a bit intimidated by our diminishing agility and strongly doubt that if we could outrun homeowners and possibly police. That's probably why the coach in Marietta, Georgia drove around those kids to vandalize Christmas displays and arrange reindeer in lewd positions. Even if he did get caught, he probably inspired our local hooligans. He was doing God's work, I tell ya.

Merry Christmas to ya'll and yours!

Daddy's little helper

As Daddy's little helper, sometimes I pick up and deliver materials and parts. Yesterday Dad asked me to take some Rubatex (tubular pipe insulation) to his technician on the job. Dad wrote down the tech's cell number and instructed me to phone him when I was near. I called and called and was a bit peeved that he didn't answer. Finally I got through but the reception wasn't clear.

I loudly said, "Hey, this is Leezra, I have some Rubatex for ya and I'll be there in a minute."

"Rub a what?"

"Rubatex!"

"You're gonna rub what?"

"No, I have some Rubatex and I am driving to the job and will be there in a minute!"
By now, I am pissed that my co-worker is wasting my time with foolishness and also a bit bothered by the fact that he is speaking to me in an unprofessional manner. While I talk like a sailor with my friends, I don't discuss off-color subjects with co-workers. "Look, I don't have time for this! Dad said you needed Rubatex and that is what I am bringing to you."

"What is Rubasex?"

Seethe.

"Is this Mike?"

"No, lady, who are you?"

"Nevermind." Click.

Dad swears he didn't write down the wrong number on purpose.

Let the in-law angst begin!

Dawn sent me this e-mail of venting:

I need to vent about my mother-in-law if you care to listen. I'm just friggin amazed at these people! I think I'd already told you about my wonderful husband Andrew driving all the way to North Carolina to pick up his mother who'd changed her mind and decided she didn't want to come, right? So he ended up driving back home alone. Well, she's here now because Andrew's rich and important brother-in-law drove up to get her in his big, fancy car which his mother apparently found suitable enough for her Highness. Two days later, Andrea (Andrew's rich and important sister) phones Andrew and tells him that he needs to drive their mom back home after the holidays. I told Andrew if he did drive her home, I would divorce him. What kind of jerk picks someone up and doesn't figure out how they are getting them home before they do it???? SO, The Byatch is here and she went to lunch with Andrew and Andrea, his dog-loving sister. I couldn't go because I committed to attend a Christmas party that day and wasn't cancelling. Plus, I don't like his mother or his dog-loving sister. Both of whom are downers. Andrew told me later that his mom said that I am "all about money" and "unappreciative because everything she's ever given me I've returned". I have no idea where these ideas came from. Was it the 13 years of living in a home without heat? The 10 year old squeaky truck, or the Wal-Mart clothes????? This being stated while the woman is dripping in diamonds and gold. Plus, I've never returned not one of her presents and have written her thank you cards every year lying about how much I loved whatever crappy dime store junk she bought me! She also said at the end of lunch, "Please thank Dawn for taking the time out of her busy schedule to come see me" (I'm picturing it being said in sort of a Queen Elizabeth fashion). The dog lover Andrea chimes in that she's not getting Andrew anything for Christmas because last year she gave us a movie gift card and we never used it. I'm almost positive that I did use it but if I didn't, I'm wondering if she's psycho enough to have periodically checked the balance on it. Either way, she's a whack job! OH, and his mother made a comment about how disappointed she was that neither Andrew nor the other brother Anton had a suitable home for her to stay in when she's in town. Understandably, that was a dig on Andrew's 10-year "renovation" but Anton's house was literally blown away in the hurricane! I'm not lying, down to the SLAB! What an insensitive cow! Plus, what she doesn't know is that no matter how suitable our home is, there will never be enough room in it for her to stay!
Whew, that felt good to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. Anyway, that's pretty much all the Christmas drama. Any with you?
-----------------------------------------------------------
My counsel to her:

Gee D,

No drama here. Guess it is the lack of in-laws.

I am just in awe that this woman drops all this crap and no one seems to call her on it. Did Andrew tell you these things in the attitude of "get a load of what my crazy mom said"? Or was he looking to you to say "yes, it is okay for you to drive her home"?

She is a bully. She gets away with it because no one bucks her.

Give me her phone number. I am ready to perform a boxing of the ears, via phone lines.

Will you see her while she is in town? Here are some phrases to practice:

* Why do you ask?
* What an interesting thing to say.
* Do you really feel that way?
* Wow, do you realize how that sounds?
* Oh, you are SO funny! (when she says something completely untrue)
* Are you being so sarcastic? You were serious? Wow.
* Mother Theresa - you ain't.
* You know we can hear you, right?
* Better hope I am not the one that selects your nursing home, you miserable crone. (say this in a whisper)
* Start the discussion about how no matter how much plastic surgery a lady gets, her hands always give her away. Mention that even if a woman's face looks like Heather Locklear, you know she is old if she has crow hands. Then sit there while she surreptitiously looks at her own hands. Then giggle. Let her catch your giggling. Then give her the stink eye.
* Bring up the nursing home comment again.
* Repeat the stink eye.

Hoping that I have been an assistance to you,
The very single,
and very happy,
but ready to go ape shit on your mother-in-law,
SkitzoLeezra

Shut The Hell Up air freshener

My wisenheimer friend Kay gave me a SHUTTHEHELLUP air freshener but it was just too stinky for my sensitive nose so I put it in my dad's brand new day-old truck. He never said a word about it. Wasn't sure if he even noticed it these last few weeks. Just this morning, I flagged him down as he was backing out. I pointed to it and asked, "Hey, is that thing working for ya?"
He said, "I don't know what the hell it is."
To which I answered, "I think it is supposed to shut people the hell up."
He replied, "Then I guess I would have to say no, it doesn't work too well" with barely a wry smile while the automatic window went up and the truck moved away from me while standing in the street.
I am the daughter of 2 smart asses. Sometimes I forget that.

I Know What Makes The World Go 'Round, Parts 1 & 2

Part 1:
I think NASCAR is stoopid. It is a giant money making venture ba-a-arely disguised as a sport. But a NASCAR fan may look at my love of crafts with disdain, thinking: why make something when you could just buy it? With a NASCAR logo at that?
Thus, THAT is what makes the world go 'round. We do not like the same thing. We are not SUPPOSED to like the same thing. And thank goodness. Otherwise, we would have 1 television channel, 1 store, 1 church, 1 house, etc. Otherwise, I would make a play for your husband. You like to watch "Desperate Wives" (eww) and I enjoy "Mad Men". (It's good, check it out on AMC. Or not.)
Once upon a time, I made fun of folks and their ill-chosen preferences. Okay, I still do. But now I add, "Sure, she LIKES her urine-colored PT Cruiser and gold anklet worn with tan pantyhose but hey, that's what makes the world 'round." (Note, I never say "around". That's stoopid.)
Part 2:
Everyone thinks they can spend your money better than you. For the same amount of money that you spent on your car, house or vacation, THEY could have selected something better.

Why does she would live in ---- when she could live in ----?
Why spend $-- on a -- when you could have bought a --, for less?
Going to -- is stoopid, they should have vacationed to --.

So, the monster truck show this weekend? You'll be in the first row? Good for you.
That's what makes the world go 'round.

Watch out for geese!

At 5:00 AM yesterday morning I was driving to the gym when I spied something dark on the street. Judging by the height of the dark shadow, I omitted a dead dog or cat. When my headlights aligned with the middle of a four way stop sign intersection, I could have sworn I saw the outline of a goose. As I approached I was struck by the stillness of the bird. That goose is not even scared of a vehicle, I thought.
When I stopped at the sign I then realized that the figure was indeed a goose, albeit a concrete goose. Some wisenheimer placed a nearly three foot high lawn ornament in the middle of intersection. I gotta tell ya, it tickled me. The prankster perfectly situated the goose so that it was in the dead center. If you were traveling at a safe speed and manner, the goose posed no threat. Wishing I had my camera I drove on.
An hour later, I had my camera phone in hand and was anticipating a dark but funny photograph to share with you people. Alas, no. Just a couple of concrete fragments and a scratch in the road. Wait, there's the goose, on its side, laying in the grass. Why did the goose cross the road?
Then I saw two thin lines of liquid on each side of the scratch. Hmmmm. I followed the fluid trail to a house near mine. A car and a truck were parked in the front. Did one of those hit the goose?

So, lesson of the day: Even if a concrete goose shouldn't be in the middle of the street, that doesn't mean you shouldn't look for one. Ya'll be careful now, hear?



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Returned for photo

The Sears Wish Book Game

As a child of the 1970's, there was nothing I enjoyed more than the hours and hours I spent poring over each page of the Sears Wish Book. It was like toy porn for children. Even the boy stuff was interesting. Plus you could find your favorite Christmas dresses and pajamas.

The Sears Wish Book eventually led to my own little game. Starting in the children's toy section, I would study each page and select one, and only one item from each page. Even if I wanted everything on the page, only one item was allowed. If nothing on the page was of interest, still one item must be selected.

I coerce my friends to play a version of the game while in art galleries or visiting museums. With the ground rule set of either picking from each room or each wall, we begin. If you select art based on value, well then, you suck. A whole room of nothing but crap? You GOTTA pick ONE. It is perfectly acceptable if you say that you would give the ashen Picasso guitar people to your mother-in-law as a Christmas gift because it reminds you of her cigarette puffing self. You have to select but you do not have to keep.

This little game has developed my "eye". I can stand at the entry of an antique store, separate the wheat from the chaffe and sense whether it is worth my time to enter. While my taste is disparate and my decor is eclectic, rarely does anything "grow" on me. I either like it or I don't and I know it immediately.

And for God's sake, don't ask me if I like something if you aren't prepared for the answer.

The OTHER reason he wears that

Other than a man's wife marking him with unappealing clothing, there is another reason a man wears goofy or dated apparel. If a male gets a compliment on his clothing from someone he LIKES or RESPECTS, he will wear that item or something just like it for the remainder of his life. Occasionally, the influential female may be a sister or wife, but not usually. Mothers? Never.
Could be that, when he was 14 years old, his girlfriend told him that he looked yummy in that hoodie sweatshirt. A sexy co-worker may have said that she loved men that wear red ties.
A man once told me that males remember every negative thing that a woman tells them. That simply cannot be. I think it is the opposite. In MY opinion, men are seldom the receiver of compliments so they remember every one.

Compliment the men in your lives. Just be careful what you say.

Why Is That Man Wearing THAT Shirt, answered

That guy seems nice. He seems normal. And he seems somewhat intelligent.

So why the hell is that wearing that shirt? The one that kinda looks like powder room wallpaper or a beach house pillow? Does it have a repeating "retro" motif of cars or surf boards* or daiquiri glasses? Come hither, my ignorant friend, and SkitzoLeezra will impart "That Shirt" knowledge.

A. Look closer. See the wedding ring? That poor slob is wearing that shirt because his wife bought it for him. She LIKES it. The print reminds her of the cute border wallpaper that wants to use in the downstairs bathroom. The print is FUN. She has a page just like it in her vacation scrapbook. And she can shortcut the decor redo by donning her man in the feminine print shirt. Plus, all the guys at country club wear them so they must be popular.

B. This part may not even be apparent to said wife. She may not even KNOW this part. By selecting the wallpaper print shirt from the Tommy Bahama department or Columbia store, she is putting her mark on her man. That mark says "Keep away. This man is taken. The almost girly print is an indicator this man is off the market." The shirt is the apparel equivalent of a mini-van or neuter hormone.

Ask that guy if his wife bought the shirt. When he says yes, just smile and say "of course she did and she must love you very much."

The other wives will compliment him on his shirt. He thinks they are checking him out. Naw, they are asking the wife where to find one just like it for their man.

*THAT shirt does not include true retro, vintage Hawaiian shirts worn by hipsters.

Fashion or Lack Thereof Explained Here

Fashion fades. Style is eternal.

See that woman with the heavily hairsprayed 'do? Wearing too heavy eyeliner? Take a closer look. Is it the 1950's beehive or the late 1980's vertical bang claw? How old would you judge her to be? Can you rule out a costume party or an ironic sense of style? There, now, you are getting closer to the conclusion.

Women usually get stuck in a fashion bubble

that represents the time

that they were the happiest.