Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Why Is That Man Wearing THAT Shirt, answered

That guy seems nice. He seems normal. And he seems somewhat intelligent.

So why the hell is that wearing that shirt? The one that kinda looks like powder room wallpaper or a beach house pillow? Does it have a repeating "retro" motif of cars or surf boards* or daiquiri glasses? Come hither, my ignorant friend, and SkitzoLeezra will impart "That Shirt" knowledge.

A. Look closer. See the wedding ring? That poor slob is wearing that shirt because his wife bought it for him. She LIKES it. The print reminds her of the cute border wallpaper that wants to use in the downstairs bathroom. The print is FUN. She has a page just like it in her vacation scrapbook. And she can shortcut the decor redo by donning her man in the feminine print shirt. Plus, all the guys at country club wear them so they must be popular.

B. This part may not even be apparent to said wife. She may not even KNOW this part. By selecting the wallpaper print shirt from the Tommy Bahama department or Columbia store, she is putting her mark on her man. That mark says "Keep away. This man is taken. The almost girly print is an indicator this man is off the market." The shirt is the apparel equivalent of a mini-van or neuter hormone.

Ask that guy if his wife bought the shirt. When he says yes, just smile and say "of course she did and she must love you very much."

The other wives will compliment him on his shirt. He thinks they are checking him out. Naw, they are asking the wife where to find one just like it for their man.

*THAT shirt does not include true retro, vintage Hawaiian shirts worn by hipsters.

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