Friday, November 07, 2008

New baby mediations

My married friends are expecting a child and Eileen wonders if we can continue to be friends since I have been quite vocal in my dislike of children. Kay also. And Dawn too. But we like Eileen and Ernest enough to consider that concessions should be made by both the breeder and childless-by-choice folks. We feel these considerations should be discussed now before feelings are hurt later.

Here is our preliminary* trade-off list:

We promise to give ample notice of outings so you can get a sitter. In other words, get a sitter. Kids are a buzz kill at parties and dinner.

We won't tell stories about getting drunk and where we wake up if you don't tell baby stories. Save those for your breeder friends.

We won't share gross stuff about our own bodies if you zip it on the gross baby stuff.

If you don't contribute toward our rent or mortgages, don't expect us to fund your baby needs. Breeding is no reason for a handout of expensive gifts.

Don't bitch about the cost of in vitro. Birth control pills cost even less but often aren't covered under insurance.

Our houses are not baby-proofed nor you should not expect them to be. Watch your children and teach them some boundaries! We will, however, put away the crack pipe and razors if you visit.

Decide ahead of time which spouse will carry the screaming brat out of the room. We don't want to witness an awkward argument but we will discuss it afterwards.

Really, it all boils down to: know your audience. Your mom wants to hear every doggone thing about Baby Precious. Us? Not so much.

*List to be amended under the comment section. Add yours, please.


Jane said...

Nicely said Skitzo! I ain't promising to put away my razor though! I need that in case I have to slit my own wrists should Eileen or Ernest not follow the rules and begin to drone on and on about Erneen and when he/she gets off the teet or when he/she decides to take a shi# on the toilet or , and I'm sorry Eileen you're going to do it b/c all the breeders begin to refer to the bathroom as the "potty" in adult company. Please Skitzo, don't begrudge me my escape route!

turdpolisher said...

yep. my baby is 13. we don't have another one because we don't want one.

SkitzoLeezra said...

Thanks for the comments. Glad you are taking time out of your enriched day to peruse my blather.

Jane, in the spirit of concessions, might I suggest that you have the razor at your ready but perhaps in a pretty lidded box on the coffee table? If Baby Precious opens it and slices off his own finger, wouldn't that be considered a "teaching moment"?

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