Forgot to tell ya 'bout the $2 fun I had with Mallys last year.
In November, I perused our local museum's "attic sale" and found some Audubon-type prints of hoary marmots. That just makes me want to say, in a wise guy voice, "I got your hoary marmot right heeeeeere."
Remembering that Mallys refers to her 2 kitty cats as "marmots" (because I listen to my friend's EVERY WORD), I purchased the limited edition and very large print of said critters for a whopping $2. Not satisfied that the marmot print was funny enough, I embellished the outside of the UPS packing box with an inaccurate content description, just to throw her off, to make sure that she wouldn't guess the box contained a limited edition hoary marmot print.
I knew amusement would ensue when I saw the UPS pick up guy laughing.
But I forgot (underestimated) Mallys. Days later, I received the following e-mail from her:
So I must admit to being just the tiniest bit disappointed when I thought the box contained a super-long, super-thick, multi-colored, pool-safe dildo with safety release. I thought to myself, "Not AGAIN," and envisioned the frustrating replay of trying to explain at The Dildo Store, once more, why I didn't need a third super-long, super-thick, multi-colored, pool safe dildo with safety release.
"Yes, yes," I'll opine to the petite little brunette behind the counter, "I realize that this is the 4th or 5th I've returned this month, but who can blame me for having practical friends who understand the appeal of such a timeless classic? I mean, sure, my The Dildo Store gift registry expired YEARS ago, but this dildo is such a must-have item, that you'd have to be a nimrod **NOT** to select it as your gift of choice in this, our holiday gift-giving season."
And then I'll have to endure the eye rolls, the interminable wait while she goes to get her manager, the disdainful glances my way while I'm overhearing snippets of the conversation, "Yes--the EXACT SAME MODEL: Acme's SL-ST-MC-PS Dildo Plus [unintelligible] TWO in August, ONE in September, THREE . . . ."
The officious manager will bring his register keys on the springy wrist band. He'll ask me why, exactly, I am returning this item. I'll explain that I already have a few of the exact same item, and while--granted--a practical item, I really don't have appropriate storage space in the dildo cabinet, and there's really only so many (do the math) a girl can use at one time, and it's not the sort of thing that one feels comfortable re-gifting, even in an unopened package, I don't even have a pool, so it's basically a wasted feature if I already have two at my disposal, yadda yadda yadda.
He'll angrily type in the key code for returns. He'll twist the key in the register. With each new movement or process, he'll glare my way. I'll fill out the return authorization forms in triplicate. I'll sign here, initial there. And then he'll reluctantly hand me a The Dildo Store gift certificate (no cash refunds: store credit only).
So imagine my delight when out of the dildo box popped a hoary marmot!
Now THAT'S something I could use more of. I was just saying to myself, "Enough with the super-sized pool-safe dildos already. When am I going to get me one of those hoary marmots I've been dreaming about?"
And there--SkitzoLeezra--thanks to your attentive eye for detail and your impeccable timing, a hoary marmot was waiting in my backyard, ready to be taken into my home and displayed for all my friends to see!
I haven't had time to fully inspect the hoary marmot, given my hasty trip home between uptown meeting and downtown late arrival to work--but the hoary marmot is sitting on the end table, waiting for my return from statistics class tonight. I'm sure the cats are giving the hoary marmot a good sniffing while I'm gone. But you know what I always say: "If you can't sniff a hoary marmot, what can you sniff?"
So Leezra, thank you for the delightful giggle--on all fronts. It's been a welcomed little pick-me-up in the crap sandwich of a week that began with an Atlanta wedding and will end with a day at work with the Boss.
A hoary marmot. Who woulda thunk such a thing existed, ready for the framing?
Here's hoping you find your own version of a hoary marmot today!