Dating advice from the bachelors

Remember I told ya that I went on a bunch of dates when I signed on to the dating website?

A couple of seasoned guys actually offered a newbie like me some advice. (NO, jackholes, not what you're thinking!)

Anywho, Bachelor #11 told me to never trust a man who has never married. Hold up, I say, I've never married. Should I not be trusted? Nope, Bachelor #11 explains, any halfway decent guy that isn't even paying attention will have a woman trying to get him down the aisle. If said dude is 40 years old or older and never married, then he has absolutely nothing to offer because he would be taken already.

It kinda makes sense.

Bachelor #19 advised me to not let a guy move in with me. Puh-lease, so not gonna happen but elaborate please, Bachelor #19. He said no real man would need to move in because he would already have his own place. And if he didn't, he's a ne'er-do-well or a moocher. Okay, he didn't actually use the moniker of "ne'er-do-well" but I like seeing it in print.

And Bachelor #1 offered this insight when I told him I needed to tear down the wall that both protects and isolates me.

 "Just use a door," he said, "Let the wall protect you and open the door to who you want."

Cue your favorite Jim Morrison tune now.

What time is it?

It's wine:thirty, ya'll!

Remembering seeing this bumper sticker?

From back in the day?

As a small child, I remember not fully understanding it but also knowing not to ask for clarification.

Be still, my heart

Bachelor #1 was being sincere and complimentary when he said hanging with me was fun and that I was special.  Being the unromantic wisenheimer that I am, I snorted at the mention of "special".

Catching my reaction, he said, "Don't let any let anyone tell that you can't rock a bike helmet."

~ ~ swoon ~ ~

I loves me a smart ass.

Like I said

What?

Bachelor #1 and I didn't spend the Independence Day holiday together. We wondered why later. I thought he had plans. He figured I had a family commitment but didn't call because he heard my own damn words I said on our first date "how can I miss you if you don't go away?" in regards to having my space and not being smothered.

So, wait, Bachelor #1 listens and heeds?

He's gonna get kicked out of the Man Club if he keeps that up.

Or I had better watch my flippant attitude. 

Happy shit sandwich Monday

The Secret

An old timer customer bragged that he and his wife were married for over 50 years.

Wow, that's impressive, I reply.

Before you are too impressed, he tells me, I worked out-of-town most of the time.

So, that's the secret to a long marriage, I ask? Long periods of time away from each other?

Well, that and direct deposit, he admits.

If it itches

I wondered aloud if my boobs itched, did it mean they were growing, as my late great aunt Fay used to tell me? My male friend said, "Well, it certainly doesn't apply to crotch regions. Otherwise, I'd have a freaking beanstalk growing outta my pants."

Duh of the day

Anderson Cooper is gay. Really.

Later

I thought you were already dead.