Put 'er On The Rack, Boys!

Received this e-mail from my friend Chrysanthemum today:

Although it is not Breast Cancer Awareness month, I am taking this time to share my mammogram experience with those of you not fortunate enough to experience this. And those of your UNDER 40, have much to look forward to.

As a woman over 40, and the daughter of a breast cancer survivor, I happily(?) go for a mammogram each year. Now we all know about the horror stories of smashed boobs on cold metal.....they are very much true. Your journey will start in a lovely decorated waiting area. Here you will be given a white waffle weave spa robe (one size DOES NOT fit all) and told to strip from the waist up. You will be told to remove any deodorant you might have on and given a locker to put your belongings in. Then you are herded to another room where the fun begins. After the smashing, tugging, and squishing of each boob, you are sent to a holding area. Several women are here, also there are snacks and a television. You wait there until you are told that the x-rays are good and you can leave. I never get to leave. I always have to go back for MORE x-rays.

Once released, you are told that results will be in a week or two, by mail.....unless there is a problem. They always call me the next day. I need to see a surgeon for a biopsy. I know the drill. I am given forms to fill out and told to be at the hospital on a certain date, have a responsible person with me, wear lose clothing and a bra.

On my designated morning, I arrive at 7am, as instructed. I fill out more paperwork and go to the nice room where I put on my waffle weave spa robe. The nurse takes me to the room where the procedure will be performed. The nurse is nice and tells me what will take place. Here is what they don't tell you:

You will be stripped down to your loose fitting pants or skirt.
You will then climb onto a large table with a big hole in it. Guess what goes in the hole??
Now lay on your stomach and put the one boob into the hole.
Now the other boob is back up on the table and being squished under you.
Put your arms by your sides.
Turn your head to the side.
You are very uncomfortable.
Now the table is raised up in the air. Am I getting my oil changed?
The nurse is now standing underneath the table and looking eye level at my boob.
Nurse puts boob in some type of vice and takes x-rays.
The computer now give the coordinates of the site. Are we tracking a hurricane?
Large needle/machine gun is lined up with coordinates.
Surgeon appears and extracts samples.
Surgeon leaves to speak with responsible adult that accompanied you.
Nurse lowers table, and helps you up.
Bandages are applied.
Nurse helps you hook bra.
Nurse gives you an ice pack to put inside bra to reduce swelling and bruising.
Nurse escorts you to responsible adult.
Responsible adult is hungry and wants to go to McDonald's for breakfast.
You are in a t-shirt with an ice pack in my bra.
It is JUNE. Ice pack begins to melt.
You are in McDonald's with a big wet spot on one boob.
Go home and take it easy the rest of day.
Sleep in bra.
Take shower in the morning and realize that your boob looks like is has been beaten with brass knuckles.
Wait for results of biopsy next week.

No doubt a man designed this whole procedure.

Wishing that none of you are ever "up on the rack",
I am,
Chrysanthemum

I Don't Understand Rich Fat People

Just don't get it. Back in the day, girth was symbol of wealth. No more.

Rich folks can
* staple their tummy
* get liposuction
* hire a trainer
* employ a personal chef
* sign up for prepared meals by mail
* purchase diet pills
* undergo behavioral management therapy
* correct a metabolism inbalance
* consult a nutritionist
* stay at a fat farm

Whatever.
"One can never too rich or too thin."

Take Care of Your Girlfriends

Ladies, I have long thought that you should cherish your girlfriends as well as nurture their friendships. Elevate them. Even above your honey or husband. You heard me. Let him THINK that he is the most important thing in the whole wide world but make sure your friends believe the same thing.
BECAUSE, when
* you get engaged, it is your girlfriends that throw a shower, purchase the godawful dresses, show you a good time at the bachelorette (how I hate that word) party. They listen to your endless moaning about wedding plans.
* you move, girlfriends help you pack. Sure, men will do the heavy lifting but they will mar your grandmother's dining room table, drop the Fostoria tea cups and scratch the newly painted walls. Girlfriends take better care of your antiques, glassware and fragile items. (In fact, try NOT to use males unless completely necessary.)
* you are pregnant, girlfriends will tell every single boring/awful detail about their pregnancy but they will also include some helpful information. These same girls will give you yet another shower and all kinds of baby stuff like beds, strollers, maternity clothing, you name it.
* you are sick, they will go to the drugstore for you, clean your kitchen, and make sure your children have something good to eat. Your best friends know what you want while in the hospital, be it crossword puzzles, a Big Mac or illicit frozen daiquiri.
* you are depressed, girlfriends know when to commiserate and when to kick you in the ass. They will bring you chocolate and wine and maybe even share pharmaceuticals. (Remember: what goes around, comes around.)
* you have a birthday, girlfriends know if you want to celebrate it and which number you are claiming.
* when you go through a divorce or break-up, girlfriends are there with chocolate and offers to break legs and tap phone lines. They will listen to you cry and tell you when it is time to shut up.
* when your husband is sick, girlfriends rush in to do your laundry, drive you to Sonic for a quick trip out of the house, and just listen to you.
* when your husband dies, your girlfriends take care of the things you haven't and cannot think about. They clean the house, they warm the food, write down names of friends that dropped by, and press your clothing so you will be well dressed for the funeral. They will not forget about you when you find yourself newly single.

Who does more than a girlfriend? Maybe Mom but she cannot do it all. Mom probably will not look you in the face and say that maybe you should do more Kegel exercises.

Imagine living a long life as a girl that "just doesn't have female friends" or "girls don't like her" or "men are so much easier to get along with". Those girls are not to be trusted.

Take care of your friends. They will take care of you.

Overheard

Man's voice:
Yeah, well, I was just trying to be a nice guy so I let her come over to do laundry 'cause her washer was broken. That was three weeks ago and she is still there.

Manure, anal rape, Asian mass killers and douchebags -- deep thoughts and overheard conversations

So there I was, ringing the doorbell to a Beach Drive mansion thinking, Note to self: before inviting 100 folks to your home, perhaps calculate time it takes for the fresh manure to mellow to a less offensive level than Really Recent Dog Crap.
----
Chick 1:
Last night I experienced a violent anal rape. I was alone. The too-large-in-diameter compacted bowel movement left me with a feeling of shame, skittishness and an inability to look people in the eye.
Chick 2:
That's the worst; it's been years since I was sodomized by my internals and it still makes me feel a little hurt. And empty.
----
I find it unbelievable that Virginia Tech had more than one Asian student measuring over six feet tall. But even more unbelievable, the gunman's roommates heard the same news with the same description, never made a phone call to the authorities, WENT TO BED and were surprised when armed police officers stormed their dorm room the following morning. "That's when we knew it must have been Cho."
Wow! That speaks volumes about the intellect and logic of the killer's suite mates.
----
Dude 1 to Dude 2:
Hey, douchebag, where's my beer?
Chick 1 to Chick 2, with no apparent awareness of hearing the previous:
You know, I have only douched a couple times in my life. What about you?

Hurricanes and Skateboards

Last week, my life mate, TiVo, recorded an unlikely show for me. Using his artificial intelligence and my Wish List key word option of "New Orleans", TiVo found "DRIVE skateboarding" on Fuel TV.

Skateboarder dude Mike Vallely visits New Orleans (Season 2 Episode 3) to survey the hurricane Katrina damage. Mike begins in the historic French Quarter with beautiful video of skateboarders. The interviews are geared toward the skate culture before and after Katrina (in New Orleans speak, that is pre-K and post-K). New challenges and playgrounds are created by storm debris, abandoned buildings, and junked construction materials. But the tour of the Ninth Ward erased all thoughts of skateboarding and Mike was eloquent in his words that he could not consider skating where so many lost so much. Black and white images of terrible destruction illustrate without deliberate emotional manipulation.



As a 42 year old woman whose only link to skateboarding is my junior high boyfriend, I am not Fuel TV's desired demographic much less a DRIVE skateboarding viewer. But I am a fan. I thank Drive for respecting the pain of the damaged areas. The victim's trauma was not trivialized by skaters having fun on their ruined properties. And skater kids can see a different view of New Orleans and hurricane Katrina aftermath not found anywhere else.



Check out the 3 minute video,
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2017754651



http://www.driveskateboarding.com/



http://www.fuel.tv/

I Got a Case of Doll Hate Today

Was just thinking that Holly Hobby is stooopid. Her and all of her friends. What exactly are they hiding under those giant bonnets? Rasta dreadlocks? Gallon-sized ZipLock bags of pot? Or maybe just their ginormous waterheads.

Holly better watch her back. (Can she? Is she able?) I'll cut the bitch. Don't think I won't.

And those whore Bratz dolls? Don't even get me started. They should be sold with a stripper pole.

Oscar 2007 Review

Leezra coming at ya with this year's red carpet and Oscar review. And riding the top of the current fashion trend, I am wearing vintage this year. Yep, a super old and super soft t-shirt and pajama pants.

Red Carpet Pre-Show:

I don't care for Ryan Seacrest but barring an anal gerbil infection, I fear he will be with us for a loooong time. He'll be around for as long as his maker Dick Clark.

Commercial aside, 'fro headed M&M characters cause my throat to constrict. Hair and candy? Not a good combination.

I am so over black gowns but Maggie Gyllenhall looked good and her honey Peter Saarsgard seemed less than his usual creepy self.

E's yenta Giuliana DePandi implied that Ryan Seacrest is the Queen of E! A genius, she is.

Paul Haggis caused another throat constriction when I consider the definition of his last name.
"A Scottish dish consisting of a mixture of the minced heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep or calf mixed with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the slaughtered animal." Those hair and candy covered chocolates seem more appealing now.

Not so sure I like the menswear trend of the lower button with more shirt showing. Who said that a thin tie makes you look thinner? Not buying it.

Al Gore looks like a fat ass wax mannequin. His face is so puffy that he is turning Japanese. I really think so.

Pretty hair on Portia di Rossi. And that Catherine Deneuve is one classy broad. I wanted to say something ugly about J. Lo but I guess her stylist finally got her way and made J. Lo dress nicely.

Why the hell is Elizabeth Shue there? Should I care?

Cameron Diaz as a brunette - good. With orange skin - not so good.

Penelope Cruz was very pretty in dusty pink. Now imagine the same dress in white as a bridal gown. Awesome. Did Penelope's eyes seem just a little f'ed up?

Rachel Weisz is her usual glam self but must say, again, to the ladies, if your gown has glitz, you should refrain from competing jewelry. As Oscar de la Renta always instructed, never mix your costume jewelry with the real thing.

Jennifer Hudson is doing a fabulous job as a newcomer by charming everyone and not trying to hard, fashion-wise.

Helen Mirren looks stunning and has a nice rack for an older dame.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a 20 year old hottie. You go, home squirrel! Dumping that androgynous husband did the trick.

Why is Jessica Biel there? Do I care? Attractive pink dress, stupid patent leather belt, weird hair.

Count 'em. Three yellow gowns, each more ugly than the next. Female escorts of Eddie Murphy and Forest Whitaker in yellow. But the worst goes to Jada Pinkett Smith's shiny mustard abortion of a dress with the awkward bodice darts and too-tight fit. How do you say in French? C'est horrible. Evening wear and the color yellow should never collide. Oops, missed one. Naomi Watts in pale yellow, quite reminiscent in similar dress worn by Kate Blanchett a couple Oscars ago. Blah.

Kirsten Dunst is a tough call. Chanel? Good. Red lips? Good. The whole look? Just didn't jive though it wasn't horrible. Did the neckline seem matronly? Is it the pale grey gown with blonde hair? Or is just that it seemed like she raided her mother's closet for couture but kept a juvenile old hair 'do?

Kate Blanchett looked fabby poo poo poo in her gunmetal grey beaded gown though I would have appreciated sleeker hair.

Kate Winslet - too pale: hair, dress, cheeks, lipstick. C'mon, Seventeen magazine 101: pick a focal point, keep everything else neutral.

I covet Beyonce's hair. Dress, not so much.

I anticipate Meryl Streep will be slammed for wearing her bohemian jewelry but it is her, plus she looks better than usual. Baby steps, people.

Nicole Kidman worked that red Balenciaga dress like only she can.

Wonder what bet Kelly Preston lost? Why else would she wear such a hateful rag as that leopard print dress usually seen on a Chalmettian bridesmaid?

Sasha Baron Cohen is some handsome. Yum.

Jackie Earle Haley is America's new favorite comeback story, along with Jennifer Hudson.

Dunno who Anika Noni Rose is but her sequin gown was very striking against her skin tone.

Academy Award Show:

Loved the nominee video introduction.
Loved the standing nominees in the audience. Hope that becomes a new tradition.

Ellen is funny but who told her those white shoes were a good idea?

With an egg cooking on my bare face, maybe I will be one asshole with seared retinas and permanent sunburn when I finally become a global warming believer. Perhaps because I remember the 1970's era Time magazine warning of the coming world freeze. But what a joy it will be to laugh at the Henny Penny global alarmists if, indeed, I am right. Think I will do my part to help them prove their point by filling up the pick-up with gasoline, leaving the gas cap slightly open, pumping the air conditioner full blast and maintaining an average speed of 90 m.p.h.

Okay, we are 1 hour and 23 mintes into the show before we have our first entertaining moment. William Monahan mentions "Valium does work."

Is the orchestra playing each movie's theme song when they win? If so, I cannot tell because it all sounds alike.

Welsh Corgi sighting in the costume diaroma!

Robert Downey, Jr. with another funny moment.

Jerry Seinfeld said what we all know. All those documentaries are incredibly depressing movies.

Celine Dion - if I don't say anything about her, can I just pretend she wasn't there?

Diane Keaton actually looks good. Give her stylist a raise for wrestling Diane to the ground and forcing a dress onto her body and coiffing her hair.

Helen Mirren's win and film clip gave us another Welsh Corgi sighting. Four cuties!

Al Gore - the inconvenient truth is that if you had carried your OWN STATE, you would be President. The folks that knew you best could not pull a lever for you. Now shut your hole.

Can Leo DiCaprio look too good? Seriously. He is so slick and severe I cannot decide if it is good or a bit costume-like.

Anne Hathaway - a classic beauty.

Very nicely orchestrated presentation to Martin Scorsese by fellow directors. Best camera shot of the evening was Marty in the wings when The Departed won Best Picture.

Oscar topic of the day:
What the hell was Philip Seymour Hoffman's drug combination of choice? Vicadin and cough syrup? Gasoline huffing and Guyana KoolAid? MarksALot & alcohol?
Your homework: Check out the movie Love Liza where he plays a strung-out gasoline huffer.

Not-so-deep thoughts

• Though I have done some stupid things in relationships, I am now giving myself dispensation for never wearing an adult diaper while driving cross country to confront another woman. Oh sure, there was that one night of tequila, Depends and glow sticks with the old boyfriend, but he LIKED it.
• Britney? Anna? Trainwrecks. Sad trainwrecks. Just wish they were from Connecticut or such so that the rest of us Southern weirdos weren't grouped together.
• Thank God I did not grow up famous or hell, in the era of cell phone cameras. Too many opportunities of public horror and humiliation.
• Disappointed that my-long-lost-newly-reconnected friend revealed herself to be an intolerant, small minded religious homophobe. All these years that I wondered what she was doing, wasted on a perpetuating-the-hate-mongering so-called Christian.
• Embracing the newly found thought that materialism is just human nature, helps us to set goals, and proves that we are still interested in life. When you get old or boring enough not to want anything for your birthday, it is over, my friend.
• Laughed while reading Vanity Fair's interview with John McCain. He was so impressed with a powerful pain reliever. "It was—am I saying this right?—I.V. Propen. The stuff's a fucking miracle drug!" My dad expressed the same thought a couple months ago. This from a man that said that his high school's definition of a drug addict was someone that took two aspirins instead of one. Once Dad told me that he was suffering from three day long headache. When I asked what he was taking for it, he just looked at me blankly and replied "nothing, why?"

Oscar 2006 Review

Hello All you Beautiful People out there in TV land! This is Skitzo Leezra coming to you from the Pottery Barn slipcovered sofa here in Louisiana. Tonight I am lucky enough to wear stolen hospital scrubs and a freebie Rock 101.3 KKGB all cotton t-shirt. That's right, just like the celebrities, I didn't pay a thing for my ensemble.

The opening montage began with the overworked line from "The Wizard of Oz" but it recovered. And if you have a t-shirt/bumper sticker/bullshit item with Oz on it, get rid of it, it is stupid. You get a free pass if you are gay.

Though I like Jon Stewart, I have no illusions that he will be a great resenter. Ugh, I am cringing as he falters in the beginning.

It must be an easy day at the office for the cameraman if Jack Nicholson is in the audience. They cut to him as many times as the freaking snakes on Survivor. Too obvious, too trite.

Nicole Kidman looked as good as I have seen her in a coon's age. Hair was pretty and natural, face not so tight and the whole look was pretty and uncontrived.



Paul Giamatti appeared to be wearing a merkin on his face. What's a merkin, you ask? A pubic wig. You heard me.

George Clooney gave a nice speech. He is almost the next Cary Grant.

Lots of gowns in nude/champagne tone. Nicole Kidman, Reese, Uma and Jennifer Garner (nice rack). Naomi also but it didn't look so hot on her.

Congrats to Reese. John's Nana called it. She predicted that Reese would win. I saw "Walk the Line" Saturday night and really enjoyed it. Would happily raid the wardrobe department for June Carter's threads.

Wallace & Gromit folks gave a nice touch with the coordinating bowties.

Dolly Parton - how many times does a girl from the holler get to perform at the Academy Awards? How's about a skirt? You opted for pants? I now see how your look has influenced years of Playboy models and wannabe sexpots but you are aging well and though I don't dig your music, I like your personae.

Jennifer Aniston - I am SO over black dresses but you look nice.

Russell Crowe actually appears to have taken a bath but his eyes looked a little fucked up. Baby steps.

Steve Carrell & Will Ferrell's make up trick was funny. Did you notice that they both had pretty greige colored ties?

Glad the Academy did away with in-the-aisle presentations.

Rachel Adams - great yellow sequined dress, if you were in a Fanta commercial.

Frances McDormand - Sissy Spacek called and she wants her look back.

Rachel Weisz was a good actress in a shit movie. I gotta confess now. I gave it a good review because I wanted everyone else to lose $7 and 2 hours on that horrible movie.

Felt bad for Lauren Bacall when flubbing her lines. Wish she would have said something profane and flipped the bird. The show needed it.

I love me some TiVo. Nominees reactions are slo-moed.

Charlize Theron - I remember your single puff-sleeve AJ Bari dress except the first time I saw it was in 1982 when I wore it to my prom 'cept it was peach moire taffeta.

Enjoyed the penguins on stage but maybe because there was so little entertainment.

Whew, I was nervous when J-Lo was on stage talking about music and SO relieved that she did not sing.

Salma Hayek - I was wondering what the hell "a regional score" was when I realized she meant "original score". Ohhhh, got it now.

Heath Ledger - did I spy you chewing GUM? Again, I say, it is not appropriate in church, it is not appropriate for the Oscars. Buy some couth, already.

King Kong dudes - way to choreograph speeches in allotted time. Good job.

I got a feeling that one of those Oscars will find itself welded to a car hood soon.

How novel of Gavin Hood to reference his website for thank yous.

Ziho Zhang's full ball gown was pretty.

So far no political speeches. Thank you.

Can I just say that I like the haunting melody of "Brokeback Mountain" soundtrack?

All in all, pretty boring. I fast forwarded thru the Pimp Song but reckon that was the big excitement of the night.

Over to you, Pink!


Hello Oscar-ites,
Greetings from Pink!

I have to admit, I only watched the first hour & was bored---pace was far too slow. The audience diidn't have the usual buzz which makes me look forward to the program.

As much as l like Jon Stewart, it also pained me at times to watch him. Perhaps just virgin-Oscar jitters -- his, not mine.

I guess I've lived in Florida too long--I liked Rachel Adams' dress & the Fanta chicks!! So there!

Rachel Weisz was my favorite of the night -- radiant, gracious & quick acceptance
speech.

George Clooney - hubba-hubba!

Sandra Bullock is always a favorite. Thank God most of the presentation was left to her & not Keanu. He sounds like English isn't even his second language.

If I were accepting an award, I'd want "Jaaaack" to be my presenter.

Ditto to the sentiments on J-Lo not singing & not talking very much in her fake-girly falsetto. Anyone catch her-finger-pulling her skirt as she flowed across stage? Betcha she practiced that in front of the mirror.

Morgan Freeman-sans tie is a great look for an after-hours work party, but this IS the Oscars!!

Salma was charming. Notice they assigned her that catagory because no one else can pronounce "Santolalla", nor any other names in that group.

Let's go to Ralph now.
Pink is over and out!

Ralph here, though I don't have the detailed recollection of Miss Leezra, I will try.

While I missed Jon Stewart's poor opening showing, I liked the way he balanced his humor and didn't stick to all things political.

For the criticisms: too many montages. What was the purpose of the "Film Noir" montage? Oh, "Film Noir" is a significant genre. Wow, wouldn't have known that.

I thought Heath was predicted by many to be the next sexpot? Between the gum-chewing and that bad facial hair, he dropped several steps on that ladder.

Also, some of the major categories only had 3 nominations. They couldn't come up with at least 4?

Also, I thought it was a rule you had to wear a jacket. Wasn't it just a few years ago that they made the guy who accepted the Oscar for Eminem to wear a jacket over his Phillies jersey?

Also, I echo I am so glad that J-Lo didn't sing. Her ship is quickly following that of Britney Spears, just at a slower rate...a has-been that never was at an early age.

For the good stuff...

I don't care if Charlize Theron wore a Catholic school girl uniform...she is
stunningly beautiful. (Hmm...I might actually like her in that outfit.)

My heart went out to Lauren Bacall. I think they need to make that print bigger on those teleprompters.

I usually don't like Lily Tomlin, but her and Meryl Streep did a great job with crossing up each other's dialog.

Altman acceptance speech was very good. I love the bit about getting the heart transplant.

Even as he as aged, George Clooney has kept his boyish charm. It makes him very likable.

Ditto on the good job of Gavin Hood to recognize his website.

Jennifer A, Selma H, Charlize T, and Reese are all beautiful women. All different types, but all are high on the Ralph scale. The other is Catherine Keener. Not in those ladies class, but something about her makes her a Ralph-girl.

I saw "Capote" and Philip Seymour Hoffman did do a great job.

My favorite acceptance speech was Reese's. All the people she thanked, and then thanked Joaquan Phoenix on top of it. Exhuded class and sincerity to me.

Back to you!!!