Oh yeah, I had a birthday last week

Forgot to share the cake that my sister RikkiTikkiTavi ordered.
Somehow my brother Rollo restrained himself from gouging the cat's eyes out but I saw his hands tighten on the knife as he hovered. . .

Michael

Y'know, I have pity for stars that grow up in front of cameras. You name the young pop star and so many of their stories end badly. I wrote of Lindsay Lohan and wondered how ANYone could be "normal" when your every move is recorded, when you have scads of cash and everyone says yes.

And when I think of Michael Jackson this week, I am reminded that my favorite stories and movies contain enigmatic characters that aren't good guys nor bad guys just a conflicted guy. Those stories and characters are my favorite because they make you think, where the character is not spelled out and dumbed down for simplicity.

You can't think of Michael without including the sordid and the sad. And you cannot deny his place in popular music and his role as a uniter across musical and racial lines. Michael was a conflicted soul. God rest his soul.

Quote of the day

Everybody needs a God that looks like them.

--The Secret Life of Bees

Duh! of the day

Jon and Kate filed for divorce.

Next: they sell the kids to the circus.

Quote of the day

Marriage.

It turns your dreams into a hobby.

--as uttered by Jay Thomas on his Sirius XM radio show

Pearl necklace

Jawn and I were chatting on the phone last night, discussing gift ideas for a female when I avowed that every girl over 10 years old should have a charm bracelet and in fact, I received my charm bracelet on my tenth birthday. Jawn asked, "So, your dad gave you the pearl necklace when you were older?"

"Yes."

"How old were you when your dad gave you the pearl necklace?"

Thus begins one of many conversations with my friends that have heard the infamous pearl necklace story that I shared at a weekend house party, drunk and floating around in my pool on a Memorial Day several years ago. ZZ Top's "Pearl Necklace" played from the radio and someone commented on the real meaning behind the title, one I didn't know for years after the 1981 release. Not a big fan of ZZ Top back when I graduated from high school in 1982. Back when my graduate gift was a strand of pearls worn proudly with sundresses and Izod Lacoste shirts, sometimes mixed with gold add-a-bead necklace.

So, one summer night in 1982 I found myself hanging with my friends, drinking Miller pony beers, wearing my pearls and plaid madras shorts when one of the guys asked what I had on around my neck. Touching them proudly, I said, "Oh, these are pearls."

"A pearl necklace?"

"Yes."

Snicker.

"What's so funny?"

"Who gave them to you?"

"My parents. For graduation."

"So, your dad gave you the pearl necklace?" Laughter.

"Well, my mom and dad."

"Both of them gave you a pearl necklace?!" Hoots.

"Yes. Why?! What is so funny about that?"

"Nothing. But one question, did your dad pick which pearl necklace you would get? Or did your mom?" Snorts.

"Well, because you are so nosy and must know, I picked it myself. I knew exactly what I wanted." Cackles.

"So, you are saying that you wanted a pearl necklace? You asked your dad for a pearl necklace?" Roars.

"Yes. Pearls are a classic gift. And it is not a necklace, it is a strand of pearls. A necklace would be on a chain. Genuine pearls are knotted on silk thread."

"Oh My God! You have a pearl necklace! From your DAD!" Screams of laughter.

Finally having enough of my male friend's laughter, I asked, "Well, what did your parents get you for graduation?"

One guy stopped laughing long enough to say, "A cassette tape player for my car."

And it was time for me to laugh at him, "Well, that tape player will break one day, but I will have my pearls for the rest of my life."

"From your dad? The pearl necklace from your dad? You'll have that for the rest of your life?"

"Yes! And you'll have a crappy broken cassette player!" I walked away to get another beer.

~~~

My friends in the pool laughed until they all admitted that they probably peed a little in the pool. Years later, no matter what I wear around my neck, they'll ask "What's that around your neck? Is that a pearl necklace?"

And Mardi Gras parades, Geez Louise, do they they love that. "Look, Leezra, pearl necklaces! You can go home and show your dad all the pearl necklaces you got in New Orleans!"

Duh! of the day

Adam Lambert is gay.

The latest Sam-ism

Danielle: What's up?

Sam: Aww . . . just aggravated.

Danielle: Why?

Sam: The tea I brewed yesterday already has fungus growing on it.

Danielle: Hmmm… that is a reason to be aggravated!

Sam: Well, I'm not throwing it away yet.

Danielle: Why not?

Sam: Because it's sort of pretty in a topographical sort of way.

Danielle: How long to you plan on keeping it? Why don't you just take a picture and throw it away?

Sam: Nah, it's better in person.

Overheard in a wine cellar

at Kay's birthday party,

Cute Chick took a deep breath and said, "I love that smell."

Confused, Other Chick asked, "What smell?"

Cute thoughtfully mused, "Cork, I think. That's it, cork."

Clarifying, Other ask, "Kinda like an uncircumcised penis? That smell?"

"Yes!" Cute exclaimed, "Exactly!"

Overheard

"With my step-mom's hoarding sickness and that house full of worthless crap that no one wants, I informed my dad that he had better hope that he died before she did because we kids were gonna throw a match in the house and do a controlled burn."

Quote of the day

Marriage is like being in a horrible car accident

where you've lost both of your legs

except when you recover,

you get this really cool van to drive around in.

--courtesy of Jay Thomas, as heard on his Sirius XM satellite radio show

When I see blood, I usually faint

But one time, the sight of blood made me laugh.
Hard.
So hard that I almost fainted.

Back in the early 1990's or so, Chrysanthemum (Lynn) came for a Mardi Gras weekend visit. After drinking all day and standing outside after the parades had ended, she and I got our eyes stuck on a New Orleans water meter cover.

For such a utilitarian object, it is quite beautiful. She and I pondered alternate uses for them, like really cool stepping stones or rugged kitchen counter trivets . . . before we could finish our 40 ouncers of beer, we were trying to pry it from the sidewalk. Nope, a kitchen spatula eventually did the trick. We did have the presence of mind to steal MY cover because it would shift any suspicion from me. Well, it made sense at the time. But even in our drunkenness, safety was key. The open hole in the ground was a hazard so we rolled up a 24 pack beer box and wiggled it into the now uncovered hole. The box nicely protruded from the hole and alerted others to the danger. We laughed and giggled as we carried the heavy cover to her car.

The following Monday I was relaxing in my apartment when my boyfriend entered with a pant leg rolled up, a nasty gash on his shin and blood tricking down to his socks.

"Some idiot stole your water meter cover!"

Laughter~~

"What are you laughing at? I parked and walked around the back of my truck and my foot went down the hole!"

More laughter~~

"I am lucky I didn't break my goddamned leg!"

Shrieks of laughter~~endless giggles.

Finally, I was able to sputter out, "Didn't you see the box?"

"WHAT box? What is wrong with you? I almost broke my leg and someone stole your cover!"

It took forever before I could tell him that Chrysanthemum absconded with the cover and I aided and abetted her with the theft and no, I couldn't help him bandage his leg because blood makes me woozy.

I still laugh every time I remember this story.