A couple weekends ago I had breakfast at a diner with my friends and we were seated next to a large table full of guys. Because I love to people watch, I enjoyed figuring out that the guys were discussing their antics the night before, probably at a bachelor party. Their loud voices and laughter were entertaining, even if I couldn't hear their words.
All of the sudden, the table became quiet. I turned to see a young lady greeting the guys. She was dressed in running gear. I surmised that she was the fiance and "just happened" to be running by the diner.
So, get this, she stopped in to where her honey was recounting fun times with his buds and STAYED to eat with them. Their heads stayed down and the chatter was over.
What douche move, I couldn't help to think. Guess Louise, give the guy a break! Way to emasculate your guy in front of his friends. With my invisible rubber stamp, I marked their marriage as "DOOMED". Sure, he might have invited her to drop by but damn, no way would I interlope on my imaginary man.
Bitches:
Let your man MISS YOU!
Let him wonder where you are.
Let him hang with his buds.
Don't imagine that he cannot eat breakfast without you.
Don't make your neediness so obvious.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Christmas in July
My friend Lynn recently attended a redneck wedding shower and heard exclamations and instructions to the bride to look inside the box and examine each piece. Curiosity piqued, Chrysanthemum tore herself from nipping the sherry to see this priceless gift. A kitty cat nativity scene. Oh Fuh Gawd!
The baby Jesus? Is he a sweet sleeping baby? Nope, it's a kitten. Order yours now! Not a feline fancier? A dog version is available, too.
You're welcome, I am glad to help you with your holiday pre-landfill gift list. Be sure to order the kitty version for your friend SkitzoLeezra! Yes, I really want one.
Dog Nativity
$14.99
Celebrate the true meaning of the season with an endearing sculptural Christmas pageant. This 9-pc. set includes the Holy Family, the Three Kings, shepherds and an angel played by a variety of dogs of different breeds. Includes Golden Retriever, German Shepherd, Pug, Boxer, Cocker Spaniel and many more. Crafted of polyresin. Figures measure between 2"H and 5"H.
Quote of the day
I just hope this Lance Armstrong controversy makes people stop wearing those ugly bracelets. I don't like cancer inspired fashion.
--Natasha Leggero,
as uttered on "Chelsea Lately" show, E!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
WebMD.com scares the crap outta me
Last year I had a experience of pain occurring behind my eye. After a couple days, I logged onto webmd.com for possible reasons. Multiple sclerosis pops up. What the ? Freaked out, I read on to see the percentages of folks confined to wheelchairs, etc. Next to tears, I call my mom who promptly told me that I probably did NOT have multiple sclerosis but an eye exam was probably a good idea. Eyes checked out, made doctor appointment and figured out I had a sinus infection. No more thoughts of MS.
This week, my right arm has been tingling. Wanting to rule out a possible heart attack, I log onto WebMD. Son of a bitch if multiple sclerosis did not pop again! And I am on A NEW COMPUTER, not the same as last year!
Here are other symptoms of MS:
Tingling - yes
Numbness - maybe?
Loss of balance - every once in a while
Weakness in one or more limbs - sometimes
Blurred or double vision - yikes
Slurred speech - sometimes I get a temporary lisp when I am NOT DRINKING
Sudden onset of paralysis - no, whew!
Lack of coordination - yeeesss
Cognitive difficulties - aw HELL yes
Muscle spasms - don't think so
Sensitivity to heat - YES
Fatigue - all the damn time
Changes in thinking or perception - yes
Sexual disturbances - um, please define.
Multiple sclerosis symptoms generally appear between the ages of 20 and 40 - not sure about this one, I think of myself in the age range but . . .
NOTE: The onset of MS may be dramatic or so mild that a person doesn't even notice any symptoms until far later in the course of the disease.
I texted my three best buds with the news that I may have MS. Kay tells me that everybody thinks they have that at some point and I am just stressed. Her sister says I probably have a pinched nerve in my neck and sure enough, my neck IS a little sore. Dawn tells me not to fret because WebMD has diagnosed her with lupus, cancer, meningitis - all in the last year. And Lynn takes my phone call and asks if SHE CAN CALL ME BACK! It might be too late, I told her. She laughed (at me?) and hung up. She called later and said that WedMD regularly scares the crap out of her hypochondriac husband but she is always tickled by the pop-up ads and products that relate to your new disease. She asked if I would need adult diapers. She's a good friend, huh? But I am such a lover of bargains, I would price those against those doggie weewee pads and pick the better price.
WebMD is missing one dimension of scaring the crap outta ya. They should have a pop-up clock or calendar marking your estimated days left.
Hoping you and yours does not have multiple sclerosis but here is more information:
Fatigue . This is the most common symptom of MS. It is typically present in the mid afternoon and may consist of increased muscle weakness, mental fatigue, sleepiness, or drowsiness.
Heat sensitivity . Heat sensitivity (the appearance or worsening of symptoms when exposed to heat, like a hot shower) occurs in most people with MS.
Spasticity . Muscle spasms are a common and often debilitating symptom of MS. Spasticity usually affects the muscles of the legs and arms, and may interfere with a persons ability to move those muscles freely.
Dizziness. Many people with MS complain of feeling "off balance" or lightheaded. Occasionally they may experience the feeling that they or their surroundings are spinning; this is called vertigo. These symptoms are caused by damage in the complex nerve pathways that coordinate vision and other inputs into the brain that are needed to maintain balance.
Impaired thinking . Problems with thinking occur in about half of people with MS. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. Approximately 10% of people with the disease have severe impairment that significantly impairs their ability to carry out tasks of daily living.
Vision problems . Vision problems are relatively common in people with MS. In fact, one vision problem, optic neuritis, occurs in 55% of people with the condition. Most vision problems do not lead to blindness.
Abnormal sensations. Many people with MS experience abnormal sensations such as "pins and needles," numbness, itching, burning, stabbing, or tearing pains. Fortunately, most of these symptoms, while aggravating, are not life-threatening or debilitating and can be managed or treated.
Speech and swallowing problems . People with MS often have swallowing difficulties. In many cases, they are associated with speech problems as well. They are caused by damaged nerves that normally aid in performing these tasks.
Tremors . Fairly common in people with MS, tremors can be debilitating and difficult to treat.
Difficulty walking. Gait disturbances are amongst the most common symptoms of MS. Mostly this problem is related to muscle weakness and/or spasticity, but having balance problems or numbness in your feet can also make walking difficult.
This week, my right arm has been tingling. Wanting to rule out a possible heart attack, I log onto WebMD. Son of a bitch if multiple sclerosis did not pop again! And I am on A NEW COMPUTER, not the same as last year!
Here are other symptoms of MS:
Tingling - yes
Numbness - maybe?
Loss of balance - every once in a while
Weakness in one or more limbs - sometimes
Blurred or double vision - yikes
Slurred speech - sometimes I get a temporary lisp when I am NOT DRINKING
Sudden onset of paralysis - no, whew!
Lack of coordination - yeeesss
Cognitive difficulties - aw HELL yes
Muscle spasms - don't think so
Sensitivity to heat - YES
Fatigue - all the damn time
Changes in thinking or perception - yes
Sexual disturbances - um, please define.
Multiple sclerosis symptoms generally appear between the ages of 20 and 40 - not sure about this one, I think of myself in the age range but . . .
NOTE: The onset of MS may be dramatic or so mild that a person doesn't even notice any symptoms until far later in the course of the disease.
I texted my three best buds with the news that I may have MS. Kay tells me that everybody thinks they have that at some point and I am just stressed. Her sister says I probably have a pinched nerve in my neck and sure enough, my neck IS a little sore. Dawn tells me not to fret because WebMD has diagnosed her with lupus, cancer, meningitis - all in the last year. And Lynn takes my phone call and asks if SHE CAN CALL ME BACK! It might be too late, I told her. She laughed (at me?) and hung up. She called later and said that WedMD regularly scares the crap out of her hypochondriac husband but she is always tickled by the pop-up ads and products that relate to your new disease. She asked if I would need adult diapers. She's a good friend, huh? But I am such a lover of bargains, I would price those against those doggie weewee pads and pick the better price.
WebMD is missing one dimension of scaring the crap outta ya. They should have a pop-up clock or calendar marking your estimated days left.
Hoping you and yours does not have multiple sclerosis but here is more information:
Fatigue . This is the most common symptom of MS. It is typically present in the mid afternoon and may consist of increased muscle weakness, mental fatigue, sleepiness, or drowsiness.
Heat sensitivity . Heat sensitivity (the appearance or worsening of symptoms when exposed to heat, like a hot shower) occurs in most people with MS.
Spasticity . Muscle spasms are a common and often debilitating symptom of MS. Spasticity usually affects the muscles of the legs and arms, and may interfere with a persons ability to move those muscles freely.
Dizziness. Many people with MS complain of feeling "off balance" or lightheaded. Occasionally they may experience the feeling that they or their surroundings are spinning; this is called vertigo. These symptoms are caused by damage in the complex nerve pathways that coordinate vision and other inputs into the brain that are needed to maintain balance.
Impaired thinking . Problems with thinking occur in about half of people with MS. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. Approximately 10% of people with the disease have severe impairment that significantly impairs their ability to carry out tasks of daily living.
Vision problems . Vision problems are relatively common in people with MS. In fact, one vision problem, optic neuritis, occurs in 55% of people with the condition. Most vision problems do not lead to blindness.
Abnormal sensations. Many people with MS experience abnormal sensations such as "pins and needles," numbness, itching, burning, stabbing, or tearing pains. Fortunately, most of these symptoms, while aggravating, are not life-threatening or debilitating and can be managed or treated.
Speech and swallowing problems . People with MS often have swallowing difficulties. In many cases, they are associated with speech problems as well. They are caused by damaged nerves that normally aid in performing these tasks.
Tremors . Fairly common in people with MS, tremors can be debilitating and difficult to treat.
Difficulty walking. Gait disturbances are amongst the most common symptoms of MS. Mostly this problem is related to muscle weakness and/or spasticity, but having balance problems or numbness in your feet can also make walking difficult.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Sugar Daddy? I want one! Or do I?
I missed the day of school when Sugar Daddy lessons were taught. And so did all my friends. No one can answer basic Sugar Daddy questions.
- How does one obtain a sugar daddy?
- What are the responsibilities of a sugar daddy?
- What are the responsibilities of a sugar baby?
- Does the sugar daddy provide prizes or cash?
- Does the prize wagon arrive before or after the trade?
- Or does the sugar baby just sit there and look cute until the sugar daddy rains prizes?
Sugar daddies out there, please send criteria and we'll post it here so that more can be educated. Hate to think we have a whole generation of females missing out sugar daddy love.
Heard a female comic say that as a new homeowner, she is not impressed by flowers and chocolate but by a man pushing a lawnmower. I get that. 100 # of granulated pool chlorine? Oh my! ~~swoon~~ Brand new embroidery machine with USB port? Get the smelling salts.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Skitzo Leezra fragrance
Every other bitch has a fragrance out so I decided to develop one too. Celine, Britney, Avril, Sarah Jessica, Paris, J.Lo and countless others seem to think that we want to smell like them so there must be some idiot out there that would like me to throw together some stuff and slap a Skitzo Leezra Parfum label on it.
So, idiots, should my cologne not hit the shelves of your local sundries purveyor, here's the basic ingredient list:
* MarksALot - must be black, must be fresh. Mmmmm.
* Coca-Cola in a can- that fragrance that is emitted when you first pop the tab.
* Gin - Tanqueray or Bombay, no cheap stuff.
* Laundered cotton sheets dried on a outdoor line.
* Leather - don't go too crazy on this.
* Jo's Party House cupcakes - pure sugar, white cake, nuthin' fancy.
* fresh cracked black pepper
* fresh limes
* fresh lemons
* the tiniest dash of the vintage drugstore fragrance Evening in Paris
Enjoy!
So, idiots, should my cologne not hit the shelves of your local sundries purveyor, here's the basic ingredient list:
* MarksALot - must be black, must be fresh. Mmmmm.
* Coca-Cola in a can- that fragrance that is emitted when you first pop the tab.
* Gin - Tanqueray or Bombay, no cheap stuff.
* Laundered cotton sheets dried on a outdoor line.
* Leather - don't go too crazy on this.
* Jo's Party House cupcakes - pure sugar, white cake, nuthin' fancy.
* fresh cracked black pepper
* fresh limes
* fresh lemons
* the tiniest dash of the vintage drugstore fragrance Evening in Paris
Enjoy!
What would happen if gays get married?
Okay, here's the joke that is told at every single wedding. And you should tell it at the next nuptial gathering making sure to notice the reactions. Watch and contrast the reactions of married guys vs. single guys.
Q: Why does every bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Guys hate this joke but it never fails to illicit laughter from women which makes me wonder:
Q: Why does every bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Guys hate this joke but it never fails to illicit laughter from women which makes me wonder:
if gay men marry, do the blow jobs end?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I have a mouth like Samantha but wanna dress like Charlotte: MY review of Sex and the City, The Movie
First of all, I had no plans at all to see this movie but was invited by the girls. It helps that my expectations were low. Yeah, yeah, I watched the syndicated reruns of the show and enjoyed them okay but the writing was trite and Samantha's euphenisms and double entendres became tiresome but worse, was the idiocy of fashion stylist Patricia Fields insistence of sartorial foolishness. Ugh, how I would love to slap Ms. Fields for dressing Carrie in open back formalwear and intentionally exposed garish colored bras!
Anywho, this is a chick flick so don't even think of dragging your man to see it unless you promise him a very nice reward. He won't enjoy it and it is mean of you to insist. Now, should you be a fag hag and wanna bring your gay buddy, by all means, he will think it to be fabby pooh pooh pooh.
What to expect: (because every chick flick must include)
1) Dancing girl - indeed, someone decided long ago that girls/women/ladies spontaneously break into dance
2) Array of fashion items and things to covet - thankfully, most was the good stuff and not that nasty ass shit that proves that Patricia Fields hates women
3) Long, lingering shots of man flesh - wait, I change my mind, bring your guy so he can know what it feels like when we see gratuitous slo-mo glistening lady parts.
4) Impossible real estate in Manhattan
Back to review - lots of laugh out loud moments, status fashion galore, and well thought out stories of varied relationships. Very surprised that I liked and glad that I saw it.
Here is what I think to be the secret of the whole "Sex and the City" appeal: women like to think themselves as one of the characters but the truth is, most of us are ALL four of those women. Driven, domesticated, sexually charged, selfish, vapid, caring, confident, insecure, etc. If you don't have at least four personalities, you are not a real woman and no friend of mine.
Favorite quote from Samantha: "Shut up, fuck wad!"
My ranking: worth full price admission
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