Happy New Year's Eve

Tie one on and take it off!

If this is your typical New Year's pose, maybe give it a rest this year and give someone else a chance, ya harlot.

If you have never partied in your knickers, give it a try and live a little. What are you waiting for?

Christmas sweater puke fest

Long time followers of the Skitzo Leezra blog know I have an ever changing list of imaginary boyfriends. Well, not quite imaginary, they are real people after all but they are not my actual boyfriends or at least they don't know I've claimed them as my boyfriend. I have author boyfriends (Tyler Cowen), radio boyfriends (Jay Thomas), television boyfriends, movie boyfriends (Vince Vaughn) and super secret boyfriends at local retail establishments.
My chef boyfriend is a blast from the past, I kinda thought he was hot when I read his first book "Kitchen Confidential" back in 2001 and subsequently viewed a few of his food travel shows on the Travel Channel. While my palate is nowhere nearly as sophisticated as chef Anthony Bourdain's, I love his irreverent wit and smart ass attitude.

While watching his tongue-in-cheek "holiday special" replay, I couldn't help but to be intrigued by his choice of musical guests, the Queens of the Stone Age band but even more amusing was the wardrobe choices of said band.
Please to enjoy.


In an interview recap, Bourdain commented “Those Christmas sweaters were just the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen in my life. Beyond Sandra Lee on some really awful hallucinogen.”

Gotta love it. Grandmothers have never rocked a holiday sweater like these guys.

Country girl with city friends

I grew up in Southwest Louisiana where gun safety courses were offered at elementary school level through 4-H, Boy Scouts, etc. so not only did I attend the course several times but most of my peers did too. Plus, my dad was already super serious about safe gun handling before a second cousin died of a gun accident but even more so afterwards.

As a young adult, I lived in New Orleans and my "city friends" found my gun training and familiarity unbelievable and probably considered my upbringing as "country".

Both worlds collided the night we were all drinking at an outdoor bar. Someone pointed out that my mammary region had the added dimension of a shaky red laser dot. My face flushed and my heart rate boomed out of my chest and I immediately walked away while my friends all laughed. The laser dot followed me.



I was so flustered I could barely ask "where's that coming from?"

It's a laser, they said.

"I know that, it is attached to guns for target sighting!"

They laughed and said,"No, it's not. Someone is using a laser pointer."

"ON A GUN, idiots! Someone is pointing a gun at me!" I yelled at my "so-called" friends that found my fear to be amusing.

Finally, one friend explained that laser pointers were available and the new fun trick was to outline and point at women's butts and boobs. Compared to taking a bullet to my heart, some idiot checking out my rack was no big deal. My city friends asked why I thought I was being targeted and when I told them the only laser sights I had ever seen were attached to rifles and pistols, they finally understood.

They bought the next round.

I was glad to be alive.

Don't fake that cake

There is an otherwise stylish dame that displays a fake cake on a glass domed cake stand in her very fabulous historical home's dining room. The first time I spied it with my little eyes, I wondered if she was expecting company.
The next visit, months later, I saw it again and still wondered if a yummy chocolate cake is her specialty and something she always has on hand, much like proper Southern ladies who keep a punch mix base or Parmesan cheese puffs in their freezer for impromptu entertaining. Finally, I asked if the cake was the same one I saw last visit?
"Oh, as a matter of fact, it is the very same cake because it's artificial," she explained.
You would be proud of me because I kept my usual smart mouth shut.
But WHAT THE FUCK?
Is that hospitality?
"Please drool over this cake but I cannot offer you a slice."
No way in HELL is fake cake acceptable as a decor choice. It is mean, it is stupid and it will probably force you and others to over-eat deprived food.
Now, if you were assigned the kitchen in a designer show house maybe I could grant faux food as an exception but a Christmas gift of a fancy shmancy two layer counterfeit cake to a 30-something straight guy, well, that's either a really funny inside joke or completely jacked up. Were I the recipient of above culinary tomfoolery, someone should anticipate a giant cake hole blown into their front window with the assistance of a potato cannon.

An unlikely duo: Bing Crosby and David Bowie

One of my absolute favorite songs for Christmas. Enjoy!

Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney

Ella Fitzgerald sings a sly double entendre Christmas song.
Trivia: Ella and her attorneys blocked the re-issue of this song and it became popular after her death in 1996.

I can't NOT watch

Steven Seagal Lawman series on A & E television network.
He affects the accent of the local dudes although he didn't grow up in Jefferson Parish or Louisiana. He asks young African American kids which of them is the best basketball player. No, really. He mumbles. He says ya'll. He plays guitar. And like a bad automotive smash up on the road, I gotta look.
Here's the entertaining side view: when the cameras angle for crime, they have a helicopter view and multiple cameras in bad neighborhoods. When illustrating the what-Tina Turner-called the "good side of the city", you see footage of the French Quarter, Uptown and the iconic streetcars. All things NOT in Jefferson parish but rather, Orleans parish. Producers of the show didn't seem to be able to read a map.
Check it out and find your new guilty pleasure.

Pink tools chap my ass

I like pink but as a chick with a decently stocked tool box, those inferior quality pink tools offend me. They mock women.
"You don't know what you're doing and you'll probably need a guy to finish what you can't do so, in the meantime, why don't you just hold this pastel pink tool that looks so good with your manicure."
Invest or steal (borrowing from your dad) good quality tools and you'll use them forever. Pink tools are for Barbie's house.

A little reminder

I am all about positive affirmations if that works for ya but when I spied with my (superior peripheral vision) eyes the many brightly colored pieces of paper on a stranger's car dash, I had to wonder why so many and if the sheer volume of Biblical verses keeps the evil urges at bay.


Lord knows, my hands clench on the steering wheel when I have the urge to "tap" offending idiots with my truck but yet I seem to power through without little Day-Glo reminders.

How many reminders do you need to prevent personal mayhem?

Nicknames

Oral Roberts died yesterday and I wondered if anyone ever had the nerve to ask him if he realized that his name works out to be a really funny nickname: Blowjob Bob. Now tell me, which guy would you rather watch as he shilled his "cash for blessings" happy horseshit to desperate (and typically poor) folks - Oral Roberts or Blowjob Bob? Of course, the latter.

And the current Pope What's His Name? Hold please. Benedict XVI. His real name is Joseph Ratzinger. By my nickname generator, his name would be Joey Ratz. Who wouldn't want to hear some Joey Ratz stories? Pope Benedict? Not so much. Benedict? Ouch! You should get that looked at. I would like to see a Benedict, but I bet it hurts.

Channeling a 12 year boy's humor today,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra