How Lady Gaga ruined my make-up

And made my morning.

My typical morning commute includes Howard Stern on Sirius radio. Lady Gaga explained her song "On the Edge of Glory" before performing it. By the time I pulled into my parking place at work, my mascara had become watery puddles on my cheek.

Listen to the story here. Stop at 2:33 and watch her live performance at the link at the bottom.

Watch the performance here.

In case you missed it

Just re-read an old comment on my rant regarding Nadya Suleman (Octomom):

If she were a mama dog, her children would be sold in the parking lot of a WalMart.

Hanging out

Yesterday afternoon, the 7 year old nephew Gregory and I were floating in the pool when he said, "Look at your hands."

I held up my water shriveled fingers and said, "Yeah, they wrinkly from the water."

"No, look at the other side. It's wrinkly too. You have OLD LADY HANDS!"

I laughed so hard I began to hack like a water deprived cat.

Then I had to make sure Gregory understood others may not react with laughter if they heard the same.

Typing this with crow-like hands,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Really?

Same person.
One weekend.
Stoopid quotes:

"Life is too short for crushed ice."

"I've never been to Sonic drive-in before. I'm a Sonic virgin." (then ordered nothing)

"Ribs? Oh, no, none for me. I've never eaten anything off the bone. No! Never. Really. Okay, yes, if you remove the meat from the bone, I'll eat it."

Okay, let's play a fun interactive game and please leave a comment to guess the age, gender or particulars of the above idiot.

Overheard

One salesperson to another:
"Sometimes I think when people say they're 'retired', they really mean 'retarded'."

Repressed thoughts

No, I didn't watch a minute of Okrah's departure and if you did, is your pathetic life is sad that you couldn't find the remote control?

Am I the only one who cannot wait for some serious dirt on her? And while we're at it, here's hoping squeaky clean Will Smith and Jay Leno are soon revealed with disturbing indiscretions. I am so not buying their milquetoast personaes.

I didn't seriously dislike Okrah until the "Hermes incident". If you don't remember, click the link above. Okrah pulled a celebrity hissy fit after being turned away from the closed Parisian luxury goods store.

As a former retail dog and a current salesperson, Okrah's arrogance pissed me off. She pulled the race card but I just chalk it up as general assholery. When Okrah demanded service after store hours, she basically said her time was more important than the employees who worked a full day and on their way home. It is the height of hubris and arrogance. Pull that shit in a restaurant just minutes from closing and then wonder why your food doesn't taste quite right.

As you may recall, I sell plumbing faucets and fixtures. I gotta tell ya, when a customer comes in and proudly tells me they want oil rubbed bronze faucets, it takes everything I have not to roll my eyes. Ugh, so OVER brown faucets. It has been done to death and it's so very fake. Mark my words, oil rubbed bronze is the antique brass of yesterday.

Nasty and nasty.

So enjoying the drought. You should see my tan!

Future comic

My youngest nephew (7 years old) said something and included the word "butt" in it except it didn't elicit the reaction he expected.

"You know, Gregory, just because you say 'butt' doesn't mean it's funny. You can't just say 'butt' and think people will laugh," I told him.

"At school, they do," Gregory replied.

Going for the laugh, even in first grade, the little wisenheimer is on his way to class clown.

NOsama

Here's hoping Osama was met with his promised 72 virgins and everyone of them into "scat play". Have fun, Asshole!

How I almost got my ass kicked

That title could be used for so many Skitzo Leezra stories. Just ask my sister Rikki Tikki Tavi. She says I've been so close to many a deserved ass kicking that when it finally happens, she won't even pretend to protect me. My wisenheimer mouth gets me really close to the invisible line of retaliation but my quick wit (or else a quick retreat) always keeps me safe. Believe it or not, I've never been physically assaulted.

Anywho, yesterday I was driving through the meandering streets near my neighborhood, coming a stop sign and preparing to turn right. A vehicle approached from my right. It was turning left but did a cross-the-lane turn. Y'know, the kind of left hand turn you do when no other cars are present? Because your vehicle would prevent another from turning?

#2 blue car is me. #1 yellow car is The Dick.

The other vehicle's careless turn came within inches of removing my driver side front bumper.

"What a dick," I thought as I did a fake-out veer. (My mom taught me that trick. Slide your hand along the steering wheel as if you are turning but don't.)

The Dick saw the fake veer and apparently believed it to be real because he braked and stopped. I hesitated at the stop sign. He didn't roll down the window or communicate so I drove on but what did I soon see in my rear view mirror? Yep, The Dick was following me.

I slowed to a stop, rolled down the window, let The Dick pull even with me and asked "Do you have something you need to say to me?"
(Nooooo, I didn't honestly expect an apology but was curious about The Dick's message.)

He yelled, "What's up with turning toward my lane? Were you trying to hit me?"

"No, I wasn't trying to hit you but it got your attention, didn't it?" And I gotta admit, even though road rage was showing its very ugly and reddening face and I was just seconds from a pummeling by an angry white guy, I kinda smirked.

"Well, you better change your cunt attitude or someone is going to run you over!"

I couldn't help myself. I laughed out loud and it seemed to piss him off more. He released the clutch enough to drive away but not before I yelled in my loudest and proudest sorority girl voice "You tooooooooooooooo!"

He popped the clutch and sped away.

And I snorted while laughing.

Really, Dick? You drive like a jackhole, follow a lone white female driver to yell at her and when she laughs at you, you speed away?

Still snickering and a little glad not to be shot in the face, I see him pull into a driveway. Cell phone out. I pretend to take his photo while he pretended not to see me but manoshevitz, his body language was some kind of angry.

My brother Rollo came by later and I told him the story. He wished I had driven to his house so The Dick would've confronted me there. And the we laughed because if there is anything that is NOT gonna change, it's my cunt attitude.

Have a blessed day, Dick!

It don't make no sense

Devil's food cake.
What the hell is it, really?
It's not chocolate but it's brown. A better name might be Devil's Asshole.
Okay, next.
Red Velvet Cake: also stoopid. Guess what it's made of? Devil's Food cake and red food coloring.
The only good use of Red Velvet Cake is a bleeding armadillo a la the Steel Magnolia's groom cake.


And for the record, carrot cake should not taste like a spice cake.
And coconut should not be hidden. Coconut should be announced with the icing or cake embellishment. I do not enjoy biting into a cake and spitting out the devil's toenails. But I will.