Found this nugget of gold in my e-mail file, from my friend Danielle. Samisms are utterances by, you got it, Sam. (Permission to post granted by Danielle. Sam, however, may throttle me.)
Sam: Boy, you can sure tell spring is here.
Danielle: You sure can, it’s really nice outside.
Sam: Yeah, and also because all of the good stuff is turning up in the trash piles.
Sam: There’s a direct correlation between those "License to Win" stickers and the amount of insurance coverage on the car!
Sam: You know what it means when a New Orleans Sewage & Water Department truck has its sirens on, don’t you?
Danielle: No, What?
Sam: It means they’re drunk.
Sam: There’re more 18-wheelers here on the Westbank than any other place in the world.
Sam: (Talking about a near car accident) I would have been ACCORDIANIZED right then & there.
Sam: (In the car pointing to a bumper sticker) THAT’S the second most dangerous bumper sticker in the world!
Danielle: What is?
Sam: Anything with the word Jesus on it!
Danielle: What’s the first?
Sam: "The License to Wwin" sticker of course.
Sam: (iIn the pool looking down freaked out) There’re two of them, and THEY’VE GOT ME!
(Turned out to be a pair of goggles in the pool; Sam thought it was two snakes)
Sam: (On the phone) Damn, that son of a bitch just bit me like an alligator.
Danielle: What bit you?
Sam: This F’n piece of plastic that I’m trying to split open.
Sam: If you ever see one of these residents around here driving erratic, I can guarantee you’ll need to do some sort of death defying stunt just to survive the situation.
Sam: Don’t borrow stuff if you’re not going to put it back where you found it! I don’t think YOU’D appreciate it very much if I confiscated YOUR cosmetics and rerouted them to where I think they belonged and to where you would have to waste HOURS of your precious time looking for it. I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME DANIELLE! Oh, here it is. (One minute after he began searching for it).
Sam: (In the car on the way to the airport leaving for an Alaskan cruise with his family) It’ll be a miracle if I make it through this trip without contracting some type of deadly disease.
Danielle: Where do you plan on contracting a deadly disease?
Sam: Cruise ships are full of nasty foreigners who drag all kinds of bacteria up from wherever they come from to infect unsuspecting tourists like me.
Sam: (calling in from the Alaskan Cruise). Well it’s fun-n-all but it’s basically just one huge floating geriatric ward. I’m pretty sure that I’m the youngest person on this boat.
Sam: What are you doing tonight?
Danielle: I’m going over to a friend’s house for dinner and a movie.
Sam: Well, it seems it’s gotten to the point that if I expect to get anything good to eat I’m going to have to get you to regurgitate it all when I get home at night. Just like a bird.
Danielle: I want to get a Convertible
Sam: What in the world do you want that for? All that is a one big skin cancer accelerant.
Sam: Look what happened to me the other day…a GD ant was in my eyeball! There I go to scratch an itch and a GD ANT’S IN MY EYE. That was no better than that damn wasp that was going for my crotch while I was trying to drive, with cars coming at me at all angles. I barely made it to work within an inch of my life.
Danielle: (oOn phone) Whatcha doin?
Sam: Fixing something I brought here to work
Danielle: What is it?
Sam: A tube amp made by switchblade toting Dagos from some horrible area in New York. It’s very collectible.
Sam: Let me tell you, you don’t want to get into a quarrel with a squirrel, they’re vicious. One night I was sitting in the shed working on something, I look up and damned if there wasn’t a squirrel in mid-air coming right at me.
Danielle: Did you try the stew I made?
Sam: Yeah, I tried it
Danielle: Did you like it?
Sam: Not really, I nearly threw up on the last bite.
Danielle: Then I guess I’ll throw out the other serving of it.
Sam: Nah, I’ll eat it.
Sam: I keep finding all kinds of artifacts in our new backyard.
Danielle: Really, what have you found?
Sam: I just found an old dog chain with a padlock on it, and the other day I found a metal sticker that you put on rose bushes.
Danielle: Are you sure those are artifacts?
Sam: Well I’m keeping them.
Danielle: Have you found a roofer?
Sam: Yeah, I found a couple of Mexican dudes at work who said they’d do it for cheap.
Danielle: That sounds good.
Sam: Yyeah but before you know it one of them’ll have a seizure, fall to the ground, and sue us. Then we’ll be sorry.
Sam: Why don’t you bring me more than two rolls of toilet paper to the new house? I don’t particularly like having to waddle from bathroom to bathroom with my drawers around my ankles searching for it.
Danielle: I don’t understand where two rolls of toilet paper could have gone in a couple of days.
Sam: Well then, I guess the neighbors are breaking in and wiping their ASSES with it!
Sam: Some big overgrown monstrosity of a woman seized every loaf of Jewish rye bread in the store before I had a chance to get any of it.
Sam: I need you to bring me more toilet paper.
Danielle: Look around the house, I just brought you some.
Sam: Well, you bring it to me, then you have the nerve to come around here and spend the whole day snotting and peeing - using it all up!
Danielle: Did you like the biscuit I made you, I added cheese this time.
Sam: It didn’t have any cheese on it.
Danielle: Yes it did, I put it on all of the ones I made last night.
Sam: Well, there wasn’t any on this one, I was, however mystified by the 6 grains of cheese resting peacefully on the aluminum foil.
Danielle: Do you think we need to check the electrical system before the walls go up?
Sam: Nah, I’m 99 point f’n 9 percent sure that it’s all right.
Danielle: I’m going to try out for Wheel of Fortune this Sunday. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Sam: Since when did Wheel of Fortune take precedence over the welfare of our home?
Danielle: What do you think of my hair? I just got it layered.
Sam: You pay all that money to the woman to get your hair done and she goes and cuts it up in all different lengths?
Sam: I went to the thrift store today and had another one of those Woody Allen moments.
Danielle: What does that mean?
Sam: Well I’m inching around this person that at first I can’t tell whether it’s a girl or a guy but I figure it’s a girl by her arm. She backed herself into me and bent over really far so I could see her ass. On the top of her crack there was a tattoo that said “Do you wanna do it?” She got back up and kinda looked at me but I just ignored her so she steamed up and stomped off.
Danielle: What did she look like?
Sam: She had that dental hygienist look going, like out of an old porno.
Danielle: That sounds completely made up.
Sam: Nah, stuff like that happens to me all the time.
SCENE: Canal Street Ferry, Sam is sprinkling his dad’s ashes into the Mississippi River.
Sam: I wonder if, while he’s down there, Dad can find that watch I lost in the river a while back.
Danielle: Maybe he’ll come to you in a dream to tell you where it is.
Sam: Even so, it’ll be ruined anyway. It’s been 7 years.
Sam: (On phone) blah….blah…blah…
Danielle: (Pretending to listen) umm..hmmmm….
Sam: You’re not evening listening to anything I’m saying.
Danielle: Yes I am.
Danielle: What’d you say?
Sam: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. Now you’re listening so hard you’re hearing shit!
(The radio mentioned something about Bloomfield, California)
Sam: I’ve been to that place, it’s really nice. I warn you against going into the woods when you’re there, though.
Danielle: Why? Bears?
Sam: No, Vietnam veterans growin' weed that’ll kill ya!
Danielle: The veteran or the weed?
Sam: What do you think???
Danielle: I have no idea
Sam: Well you oughta (walks off).
Danielle: You need to hurry up and install my air conditioner, I’m hot.
Sam: You need to learn how to do it yourself instead of lying around like some kind of prima donna expecting me to do everything.
Danielle: You need to treat me more special instead of some kind of workhorse.
Sam: Hah! If you’re a workhorse, you ass is still in the stall!