Stupid crap that women do, a disclaimer

When you are single, never married and childless and dare to spout an opinion, stoopid folks will say that you couldn't possibly know what you are talking about since . . . And they may be right. But I don't have to be a proctologist to know that someone is full of shit.

Stupid crap that I have done? I'll admit to some but not all. Yes, I have actually asked, "what are you thinking?" but I claim that it was the 14 years old me and my boyfriend really did look like he was composing a thought.

But all you bitches out there that are hanging on to my every word thinking that your walk down the bridal aisle is just one more Skitzo Leezra blog entry away . . .you better hit the BACK button. I can tell ya how to get married: lower your standards.

Listen to my rants and you will find yourself alone with a fat cat and lots of time to do what the hell you want, when you want. And you may find that you refer to talk show hosts and book authors as your "boyfriends".

Once, in a bar, a guy yelled across the way to ask if I were a real redhead. I shouted back, "Shut the fuck up, you asshole!" My flabbergasted friend asked "Do you even WANT a boyfriend?!" She had no idea what the guy was really asking, dumb-ass that she was. (Blondes and redhead girls have been asked that question since puberty.) A co-worker once asked if I ever got lonely to which I replied, yeah, about once every month and a half. She wisely said that I should stay single until the lonely occurrence number went up substantially.

Bitches:
I've good information about what not to do.
Balance that with some good common sense.

Tyler Cowen, my book boyfriend

My book boyfriend linked to me! ~~swoon~~
Because he is more technologically astute than I, he already knew I was blogging about him!! AND he linked to me on his blog. WOoHOo!

Out of consideration, I sent him notice that I was linking to his academic web page.

Hi ya Tyler Cowen!
Loved reading your book and have mentioned it in my blog a few times; even referred to ya as my "book boyfriend". Don't worry!! I have a radio boyfriend, TV boyfriend, etc. Anywho, here's the link to blog entries about you, should you like to peruse.
Keep on keepin' on, I tell ya!
SkitzoLeezra

THEN I got this little love note from the illustrious Mr. Tyler Cowen:

Your blog is excellent and in fact just a few days ago I linked to your series of posts on me...so many others have seen it too. Keep up the blogging, I enjoy reading! Tyler

I am the happiest girl in the whole USA!

My book boyfriend says

Tyler Cowen, author of "Discover Your Inner Economist" and my book boyfriend of late, wrote that in the art world, there is a price hierarchy for animals. Paintings of purebred dogs cost more than a mongrel. Spaniels more than collies, etc. Here's the funny part: when it comes to game birds, the more expensive it is to shoot the bird, the more it adds to the value. Thus, a grouse is worth more than a mallard. Well, I gotta tell ya, for me, a plain old monkey is okay but give me an oil painting of a monkey in period clothing and maybe some head wear? Well, I am all over that.

Stupid crap that women do, 4

Marry too young.
Think of all the folks you know that married in their early twenties or even younger. Are they still married? I just mentally went through a list of friends and family that married young: Of 17 couples, 1 is still married. And I wonder about those folks you meet that married their high school sweetheart . . . thinking that a fair number of those are miserable but too scared to leave.
I wish young love the best but I don't hold much hope for them.

Bitches:
Because you see potential in your man, you marry with the hope and expectation that he will change.
Your man marries you hoping you will never change.

Words of wisdom from my book boyfriend

Tyler Cowen quotes economist Robert Hall,

"If you haven't ever missed a plane,

you spend too much time

waiting around in airports."

Stupid crap that women do, 3

Kevin wrote:

"One morning, my girlfriend asked me if I was ever going to fall in love with her. I tried to keep a very impassionate face and I guess I didn't do a very good job of it, because her face kinda contorted and then she blurted out 'Oh, I'm sorry, I should never have asked you that.' She dumped me shortly afterwards. I really liked her too."

But get this - they had only been dating for TWO or THREE WEEKS!

Bitches:

If ya gotta ask . . .well, don't.
Make HIM chase YOU.

My book boyfriend says

Tyler Cowen, my new (imaginary) boyfriend and author of Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist gets it. He understands that most women want diamonds and other stuff that guys think to be stoopid. He writes "the best gifts are often those that we, as gift givers, do not ourselves value very much."

EVERYone should consider and remember it when Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries roll around. Sure, it is more fun to purchase a gift that you, yourself, would love to have but the more considerate gift is the one that you couldn't give a rat's ass about.

Tiffany key chain, Slatkin candle, sterling silver mint julep cup- WooHoo!
Rod and reel, gun case - fine, whatever.

Some of the best compliments I have ever received

Or at least the ones that I can share here, in mixed company.

When you receive a great compliment, it sticks with ya.

1) My friend and I bought state lottery tickets when the game debuted in Louisiana. She purchased hers, turned to me and said she hoped that I would win. How nice, I thought, wishing I could return the good thought and asked her why. "You would 'do' rich so well because you have such great taste." I couldn't agree more.
2) At my fabulous 40th birthday party, complete with prize wagon, live band, margarita machine and JellO shots, my teenage helper told her mom, "I hope I am as cool as Leezra when I turn 40".
3) Turdpolisher wrote about me on his blog, Fil-Turd:
"A look at life from the feminine side -- sort of. Leezra is the kind of girl most guys wanna to hang with. She's loud. She's bawdy. She's hot. At least that's what comes through in her writing. Skitzo covers topics as diverse as dating, rednecks, pop culture, and news. Check her out if you got the balls."

Aww, LOVE that.

My new boyfriend

My friend Lynn and I refer to guys as our new boyfriends, usually with a specific sub-heading, as in my TV boyfriend, my RADIO boyfriend, my MOVIE boyfriend, etc. I have a new BOOK boyfriend. He is married but no matter. His name is Tyler Cowen and he is the author of "Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist"
He plays a version of my Sears Wish book game, selecting art for yourself and asking why. Tyler claims, when visiting a museum or art gallery, "that dealing with the scarcity of our attention is more important" than being so sophisticated that we think the Sears Wish book game to be crass or materialistic.
PLUS, my new book boyfriend wrote that putting the toilet seat down is a symbolic recognition of his honey's value. Awww, who couldn't love a romantic guy like that?

Stupid crap that women do, 2

Knew this chick that desperately wanted to be married. Every date was discussed, ad nauseaum, with the header of "Is He The One?"
She found a guy and they moved in together. She told him that he had 9 months to decide to get married or to move on. She told him she had a loose diamond that could be set into a ring. She told him where the diamond stone was. She told him her ring size. She went shopping for wedding dresses.
He had the diamond set into an engagement ring and presented it to her minutes before we were scheduled to have dinner at their place. We exclaimed, congratulated and toasted, blah, blah, blah. Then, somebody, NOT ME, asked when the wedding would occur.
She reaches under the sofa and pulls out a manila folder, TWO INCHES THICK, and proceeds to share her ideal dream wedding, complete with wedding magazine tear sheets of the dress, invitation, you name it.
My jaded ass asked, "How long have you had this folder?" Three years, she says, though they have only dated for 10 months. You should have seen his reaction. It was a wince, I tell ya. Like a television commercial graphic, I saw the letters superimposed on his face - DOOMED. I was right. They married and they divorced.

Bitches:
Don't let your guy think he is just the tuxedo boy on top of the cake.
Don't demand a proposal, you might just get it.
Keep a little mystery about yourself.

Stupid crap that women do, 1

A couple weekends ago I had breakfast at a diner with my friends and we were seated next to a large table full of guys. Because I love to people watch, I enjoyed figuring out that the guys were discussing their antics the night before, probably at a bachelor party. Their loud voices and laughter were entertaining, even if I couldn't hear their words.
All of the sudden, the table became quiet. I turned to see a young lady greeting the guys. She was dressed in running gear. I surmised that she was the fiance and "just happened" to be running by the diner.
So, get this, she stopped in to where her honey was recounting fun times with his buds and STAYED to eat with them. Their heads stayed down and the chatter was over.
What douche move, I couldn't help to think. Guess Louise, give the guy a break! Way to emasculate your guy in front of his friends. With my invisible rubber stamp, I marked their marriage as "DOOMED". Sure, he might have invited her to drop by but damn, no way would I interlope on my imaginary man.

Bitches:
Let your man MISS YOU!
Let him wonder where you are.
Let him hang with his buds.
Don't imagine that he cannot eat breakfast without you.
Don't make your neediness so obvious.

New expression for ya

Old? Dude, he lasted 10 years after embalming!

--courtesy of my friend Tim