What are your cell phone rules?

Seems since the cell phone revolution there has been a need to redefine rude behavior.

We all have stories of the most egregious example of cell phone use. My friend John told of a woman reaching for her obnoxiously loud singing ring tone phone during a funeral service and answering it! Last week I observed one board member zone out of listening to the proceedings while texting and seconds later another member reached into her purse to turn off her buzzing phone but read the incoming message before resuming her attention to the subject at hand. But get this, I learned later that the texting member was sending her a message from across the table! WTF?!

Am I the only one to find those behaviors unbelievably inconsiderate?

In a doctor's waiting room, I almost lost it while listening to a chick text on an older phone which requires the user to click each # key to arrive at the correct letter. Example, to type in a "O", she had press the "6" key three times. That's a lot of key pushes to compose a text message, right? Did the fat ugly bitch have her key pad tone turned off? Of course not. I glared at her at first and then resorted to openly staring at her each and every time she did it. Had I ripped her face off (like a crazed and Xanax-drugged chimpanzee), the medical attention wouldn't be far away, I reasoned. Instead I bargained with myself, if she does one more time before the nurse calls me to the examining room, I'll nicely ask her if she would like me to show her how to mute the key pad sound. If she responds in a less than gracious way, then I'll begin the facial transplant.

Here are MY cell phone rules when in quiet settings (church, meetings, meals):

• If you have children, you are allowed to set your phone on vibrate to receive an emergency call.


• If you didn't have a phone 10 years ago, you sat through a boring meeting and sucked it up. Suck it up now.


• If you don't know how to immediately stop a ringing phone, get a youngster to show you how.


• Don't call me from the concert to let me know you're thinking of me. The garbled music and incomprehensible message do not brighten my day. Don't care.


• If I send you an e-mail at midnight causing your smart phone to generate an incoming message sound and it wakes you up, too fucking bad. Learn how to set it to "phone only", dumbass.


• If your phone screen blinds me more than once during a movie, I will throw ice or candy from my mouth at you. I will embarrass myself to call you out, I have no shame and no children so a night in jail is no threat to me.


• I don't care if you talk on your phone while driving as long as you drive safely and at a speed 10 miles over the lawful rate. If I observe weaving or driving in the left hand lane on the interstate (the FAST lane), I will call 911 and report a drunk driver with your license plate number and wildly exaggerate your driving behavior. As far as I'm concerned, you are an impaired driver so let the cops figure it out.

Stop being afraid of road rage and start considering phone rage and how large your (unlubricated) phone is compared to your sphincter muscle.

Have a blessed day now, y'hear?