You win the cute contest

Mom, Rikki Tikki Tavi and I started the Cute Contest eons ago. You meet, take a quick look at each other and decide who looks the best: head to toe, clothing and coiffure. Then you pronounce someone as the winner of the Cute Contest. You have the option of accepting graciously or deflecting and saying, "No, YOU win the cute contest, I love your shoes."

Not feeling cute? You should head off participation by loudly proclaiming, "I am not playing the Cute Contest today." You can say that on the phone before you even leave the house. "Okay, I'll meet you at the theater but I am telling you right now that I am NOT playing the cute contest . . . although I do have a fresh pedicure and my sandals are cute."

However, even if one is not feeling confident and has stated that they are not playing the Cute Contest, they may still win. "Girl, I know you are not playing but that new cute hair 'do alone wins the Cute Contest."
If all gathered have not put in an effort for attractiveness, the Cute Contest is not mentioned AT ALL.

Here's a twist on the Cute Contest. You can state that YOU win the Cute Contest, either in person or on phone but you must qualify such statement. "I win the Cute Contest today because I am wearing this sundress that hasn't fit since last summer."
AND you can tell of a Cute Contest that others weren't even aware of their participation. "I had a meeting today with the Ladies Luncheon group and I totally won the Cute Contest."

Here's hoping YOU win the cute contest!

Necessity is mother(f*#^er) of invention

Whoever said that "necessity is the mother of invention" was misquoted.

If you were on a not-quite-tall-enough ladder with a drill in your hand, wishing that the bit were magnetized because you keep dropping the screw, holding an extra screw in your pursed lips, trying not to imagine the potential pain if you accidentally swallowed it and fell off the ladder but thanking yourself that the cat is well fed and will probably wait a few days before he began to gnaw on your face or fingers, but you finally get the screw in and it did NOT hit the stud and now you have big ass hole in the wall. And now you need a way to fix your misbegotten hole.
MOTHER is NOT the word you say.
It seems incomplete somehow.
MOTHER needs a last name.

Spring is here

Moving stuff around the patio last weekend and spied this little happy sign of spring in a partially opened bag of potting soil. Clover all over.

I am digging in your butt for drugs

A New Orleans teenager has complained that police were too ambitious in their pat down for drugs and weapons.

White, also 17, who was also against the wall, said another officer pulled down his pants and underwear and also swiped between his buttocks. People on the street could see the officers' actions, he said, which he described as humiliating.

"He swiped like a Visa," White said.

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My friend Ernest commented on the story, Approved....Approved...DECLINED!

Crawfish thieves caught by private investigator

I find most of those "stupid thief" funny story things a bit lame but just love the last sentence of this story.

Private Investigator Uses Night Vision Binoculars to Catch Crawfish Thieves

Three men are facing charges after stealing crawfish out of an Acadia Parish pond.
It happened around 8:00 Thursday night on Highway 90. The trio was caught by a private investigator hired by the pond's owner. The owner hired the private investigator because he was fed up with the recent thefts in the area.
The P.I. used night vision binoculars to spot the men. Forty year old Edward Harris and two 17 year olds Frank Bott and Mel Menard are now behind bars.
Investigators say the men were trying to hide underwater, but were spotted by a nose sticking out.

25 Random facts about me

1. I think I am a better-than-average driver.
2. I think everyone else is a bad driver.
3. When the lottery prize approaches $250,000,000 I will purchase a ticket but rarely ever think about it when the lottery prize is lower, as if $30,000,000 isn't worth the paperwork.
4. To me, boyfriends should be like a leases. After 2 years, you either re-up or turn it in.
5. I am not afraid to die.
6. I don't want anyone I love to die.
7. Plaid is my favorite color.
8. If we were in jail, you would want to know me. I would be that person that knew how to get stuff.
9. When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and go to jail. In my mind, they had cool bunk beds and lolled in them while reading comic books.
10. I honk at every asshole that travels through a red light.
11. I wish I could shoot at them with a paint gun.
12. I feel I should be authorized to shoot a paint gun at red light scofflaws.
13. My red light scofflaw plan states that cops can pull over any car with 3 or more paint ball stains and write a ticket, no questions asked.
14. I love stirring up shit with drunk folks.
15. Coca-Cola in a can, that is my vice.
16. Sonic ice, that's nice.
17. Though a Louisiana girl, I don't dig boiled crawfish or po-boys.
18. Potatoes and corn boiled with crawfish? Aw, HELL yeah!
19. Pecans = good.
20. I have sent anonymous postcards with decor suggestions to folks that have ugly houses.
21. I agree with my mom that sunshine has healing properties.
22. It cracks me up when a man refers to a woman as a "broad". But only if he means it.
23. If I were on a deserted island, I would want my Sirius satellite radio and lots of batteries.
24. The man's scent Aramis makes me weak. I know, I know, it is old school but maybe that is why.
25. Other favorite smell? MarksALot permanent markers! mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Not interested

Last week I was asked out on a date by a guy that I wasn't particularly attracted to. Mind you, it wasn't that he was physically unattractive, I have dated all sorts and don't have a "type". No, it just seemed this guy was a little too "small town" and not intellectually stimulating.

Anywho, I still have a problem turning down dates. You would think that I am at an age where I should have that down by now. How do you say "no thanks"? Instead, I use the same excuse I have used for years "I just started dating someone in (insert not too distant city here).

At a recent party, a woman said that she used to tell guys in bars that she was gay and asked if I ever used that trick. Gosh no! I was in bars to meet guys! In a small town, you don't want THAT floating around, especially if you are like me, single, over the typical coupling age, driving a truck and able to plunge your own toilet. People wonder about me already.

But back to subject at hand. Is it more kind to just smile and say "no thanks" or better to make up a white lie?

Livin' & dyin' in New Orleans

Per capita, New Orleans had more murders last year than any other American city with 209 homicides, a nearly 30 percent increase from the 161 recorded in 2006. New Orleans' population is thought to be 295,450, which would mean a rate of about 71 homicides per 100,000 people. To compare that number with some other notoriously bloody cities, the rate for Gary, Ind., was 48.3 and Detroit's was 47.1.

SkitzoLeezra here:

After returning to my hometown, my friends laugh when I tell them that it took 2 years before I felt comfortable enough to NOT lock my front door behind me each time I brought a load of groceries into the house.

While living in the City Park neighborhood of New Orleans, a relatively safe area, I became accustomed to bringing in groceries and locking the front door AND car between each trip back to the car. It's called street smarts, my friend.

Forget to take out the trash the night before pick up day? From a partially ajar front door, toss the garbage bag as far as you can before slamming and locking the door.

Don't even think of dating a drug dealer. He may have a slick ride and ready cash, but you might just wake up dead. Oh, abstain from drug use so you can avoid the dealers and their neighborhoods.

In New Orleans ,you get used to the constant threat of crime. Ah, it makes you feel more alive!

Observations from a waiting room

I saw love yesterday. Love in the form of silence, love in laughter, love in hand holding, love in prayer, love in simple acts of kindness. In a waiting room full of friends, family and co-workers, I saw awe-inspiring concern for another. For the last three days, I hung out in the cardiovascular intensive care unit at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas. Each group had a loved one and I considered how many prayers were flying around that room. I felt I was in a sacred place. Not all news was good but the energy was.
My mom underwent heart valve replacement surgery and we hope to see a full recovery. Thanks to all for thoughts, prayers, phone calls and e-mails.

Oscar 2008 Review

Hello All!
Greetings from SkitzoLeezra!

Pre-show thoughts:

Merv Griffin once stated that large heads work well for television. If true, someone get John Travolta his own show because that man is sporting a huuuuge melon! Perhaps the size is amplified due to his spray-on hairline.

Hal Halbrook looks like every cranky old man villain on Scooby Doo.

Miley Cyrus has a weird smirk/smile and I hope that her bright future includes dental braces.

Lisa Rinna wisely stuck to nude color lipstick on that face labia of hers.

Viggo Mortenson was unrecognizable.

Had to mute the pre-show with Lisa Rinna and that Joey the Ass Clown Fatone. Ugh, somebody bring back Joan, sans Melissa!

Keri Russell will age well, mark my words.

Jennifer Garner is pretty, as usual.

Jennifer Hudson - RACK-a-rama!

Everyone must now stop using the word "bling". Just stop.

Helen Mirren, pretty in red and ecru lace gown. Love her smooth cute bob.

Faye Dunaway is a good looking old broad but maybe a bit too long hair, too tight clothing? Your call.

Write it down, Calista Flockheart and Harrison Ford give me the vibe of a couple on the verge of a split. You heard it here first.

Gary Busey was good to confuse Lisa Rinna with questions about herself. I think he planned to throw off her whole rhythm with self absorption.

Heidi Klum is wearing red yet again. What is it, third year in a row?

Cameron Diaz might be a bit too minimal with no gloss, no jewels, no coif. Your call.

Michael Moore seems to have morphed into a large pelican. Lots of fish in that chin pouch.

Okay, Oscar ceremony:

Daniel Day Lewis and Johnny Depp, you should know that the last celebrity spotted chewing gum at the Oscars was Heath Ledger. Something to think about.

Jon Stewart is more relaxed this time around. Good job.

Brad Bird had a funny acceptance speech.

Ugh, the musical performances! This is what gives award shows a bad name. How's about short clips from the film?!

I don't understand Cate Blanchett's gown. The beading in the middle, what is that? And the glitz on the skirt?

Alright guys, if you approach steps with no handrail along with a gal wearing high heels and a long flowing gown, it is CORRECT to extend a steadying hand. Your mothers taught you better.

Enjoy the past winner compilation clips.

TiVo, my life partner, lets me enjoy frame-by-frame reactions.

Owen Wilson's nose reminds me of Joe Camel's. Wonder about receiving oral sex from him . . . .

Ugh, more Bee shit? Jerry Seinfeld is like a freaking carnival barker with that overhyped movie.

Winners, RUN down that damn aisle! Your time is running out!

No way Tilda Swinton had any idea that she would win. Otherwise, she might have applied a swipe of lip gloss or put on earrings. Cute speech.

That French chick Marion Cotillard - awwwww, great thoughts.

From 1928, I have seen 62 of the 80 best pictures. Wow. Have missed 5 since 2000.

Renee Zellwegger's cute short 'do makes me wanna grab the scissors and start snipping my hair. Oh, I remembered the Louisiana humidity. Nevermind.

Nicole Kidman looks good for a 60 year old broad. Except that she is 41. Yikes. Too stiff, too tight, too preternaturally coiffed.

Nice eulogy words for folks that have passed on - "their work is done".

My work here is done. Please post YOUR thoughts.