Happy New Year's Eve

Tie one on and take it off!

If this is your typical New Year's pose, maybe give it a rest this year and give someone else a chance, ya harlot.

If you have never partied in your knickers, give it a try and live a little. What are you waiting for?

Christmas sweater puke fest

Long time followers of the Skitzo Leezra blog know I have an ever changing list of imaginary boyfriends. Well, not quite imaginary, they are real people after all but they are not my actual boyfriends or at least they don't know I've claimed them as my boyfriend. I have author boyfriends (Tyler Cowen), radio boyfriends (Jay Thomas), television boyfriends, movie boyfriends (Vince Vaughn) and super secret boyfriends at local retail establishments.
My chef boyfriend is a blast from the past, I kinda thought he was hot when I read his first book "Kitchen Confidential" back in 2001 and subsequently viewed a few of his food travel shows on the Travel Channel. While my palate is nowhere nearly as sophisticated as chef Anthony Bourdain's, I love his irreverent wit and smart ass attitude.

While watching his tongue-in-cheek "holiday special" replay, I couldn't help but to be intrigued by his choice of musical guests, the Queens of the Stone Age band but even more amusing was the wardrobe choices of said band.
Please to enjoy.


In an interview recap, Bourdain commented “Those Christmas sweaters were just the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen in my life. Beyond Sandra Lee on some really awful hallucinogen.”

Gotta love it. Grandmothers have never rocked a holiday sweater like these guys.

Country girl with city friends

I grew up in Southwest Louisiana where gun safety courses were offered at elementary school level through 4-H, Boy Scouts, etc. so not only did I attend the course several times but most of my peers did too. Plus, my dad was already super serious about safe gun handling before a second cousin died of a gun accident but even more so afterwards.

As a young adult, I lived in New Orleans and my "city friends" found my gun training and familiarity unbelievable and probably considered my upbringing as "country".

Both worlds collided the night we were all drinking at an outdoor bar. Someone pointed out that my mammary region had the added dimension of a shaky red laser dot. My face flushed and my heart rate boomed out of my chest and I immediately walked away while my friends all laughed. The laser dot followed me.



I was so flustered I could barely ask "where's that coming from?"

It's a laser, they said.

"I know that, it is attached to guns for target sighting!"

They laughed and said,"No, it's not. Someone is using a laser pointer."

"ON A GUN, idiots! Someone is pointing a gun at me!" I yelled at my "so-called" friends that found my fear to be amusing.

Finally, one friend explained that laser pointers were available and the new fun trick was to outline and point at women's butts and boobs. Compared to taking a bullet to my heart, some idiot checking out my rack was no big deal. My city friends asked why I thought I was being targeted and when I told them the only laser sights I had ever seen were attached to rifles and pistols, they finally understood.

They bought the next round.

I was glad to be alive.

Don't fake that cake

There is an otherwise stylish dame that displays a fake cake on a glass domed cake stand in her very fabulous historical home's dining room. The first time I spied it with my little eyes, I wondered if she was expecting company.
The next visit, months later, I saw it again and still wondered if a yummy chocolate cake is her specialty and something she always has on hand, much like proper Southern ladies who keep a punch mix base or Parmesan cheese puffs in their freezer for impromptu entertaining. Finally, I asked if the cake was the same one I saw last visit?
"Oh, as a matter of fact, it is the very same cake because it's artificial," she explained.
You would be proud of me because I kept my usual smart mouth shut.
But WHAT THE FUCK?
Is that hospitality?
"Please drool over this cake but I cannot offer you a slice."
No way in HELL is fake cake acceptable as a decor choice. It is mean, it is stupid and it will probably force you and others to over-eat deprived food.
Now, if you were assigned the kitchen in a designer show house maybe I could grant faux food as an exception but a Christmas gift of a fancy shmancy two layer counterfeit cake to a 30-something straight guy, well, that's either a really funny inside joke or completely jacked up. Were I the recipient of above culinary tomfoolery, someone should anticipate a giant cake hole blown into their front window with the assistance of a potato cannon.

An unlikely duo: Bing Crosby and David Bowie

One of my absolute favorite songs for Christmas. Enjoy!

Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney

Ella Fitzgerald sings a sly double entendre Christmas song.
Trivia: Ella and her attorneys blocked the re-issue of this song and it became popular after her death in 1996.

I can't NOT watch

Steven Seagal Lawman series on A & E television network.
He affects the accent of the local dudes although he didn't grow up in Jefferson Parish or Louisiana. He asks young African American kids which of them is the best basketball player. No, really. He mumbles. He says ya'll. He plays guitar. And like a bad automotive smash up on the road, I gotta look.
Here's the entertaining side view: when the cameras angle for crime, they have a helicopter view and multiple cameras in bad neighborhoods. When illustrating the what-Tina Turner-called the "good side of the city", you see footage of the French Quarter, Uptown and the iconic streetcars. All things NOT in Jefferson parish but rather, Orleans parish. Producers of the show didn't seem to be able to read a map.
Check it out and find your new guilty pleasure.

Pink tools chap my ass

I like pink but as a chick with a decently stocked tool box, those inferior quality pink tools offend me. They mock women.
"You don't know what you're doing and you'll probably need a guy to finish what you can't do so, in the meantime, why don't you just hold this pastel pink tool that looks so good with your manicure."
Invest or steal (borrowing from your dad) good quality tools and you'll use them forever. Pink tools are for Barbie's house.

A little reminder

I am all about positive affirmations if that works for ya but when I spied with my (superior peripheral vision) eyes the many brightly colored pieces of paper on a stranger's car dash, I had to wonder why so many and if the sheer volume of Biblical verses keeps the evil urges at bay.


Lord knows, my hands clench on the steering wheel when I have the urge to "tap" offending idiots with my truck but yet I seem to power through without little Day-Glo reminders.

How many reminders do you need to prevent personal mayhem?

Nicknames

Oral Roberts died yesterday and I wondered if anyone ever had the nerve to ask him if he realized that his name works out to be a really funny nickname: Blowjob Bob. Now tell me, which guy would you rather watch as he shilled his "cash for blessings" happy horseshit to desperate (and typically poor) folks - Oral Roberts or Blowjob Bob? Of course, the latter.

And the current Pope What's His Name? Hold please. Benedict XVI. His real name is Joseph Ratzinger. By my nickname generator, his name would be Joey Ratz. Who wouldn't want to hear some Joey Ratz stories? Pope Benedict? Not so much. Benedict? Ouch! You should get that looked at. I would like to see a Benedict, but I bet it hurts.

Channeling a 12 year boy's humor today,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Rain in Louisiana

Wet and windy on the lake, at dusk.

My suggestion for Tiger's comeback:

Spokesperson for Axe body spray.
Imagine the commercials.

Bella sucks

Ashley from Ashley's Closet remarked her vagina may be revoked for saying it, but she didn't like the Twilight book series. I didn't read the books but did see the first movie "Twilight" so when baby sister Rikki Tikki Tavi asked me to see "New Moon" last weekend, I checked the other listings to see if we could just meet in the theater lobby afterward. There was nothing of interest so I joined her and was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed the flick.
Of course, the films cannot include all the aspects of a book but I get the parallels:

• delaying the the vampire bite (prolonging virginity)
  
• dispute between the vampires and wolves (diversity)
• wolf leader's fiancee' with scarred face (spousal physical abuse)
• vampire acceptance of Bella (suspending judgement)

All good lessons for the teenage females for sure but am I the first to say this ~~ Bella Swan is a shitty role model for chicks.

• She has no respect for her dad when she disappears to Italy for three days
  
• She causes a large manhunt when she gets depressed and disappears in the woods
• She ignores her friends and has no use for them until she needs cheering up
• She puts her female friend in danger when she flirts with a rough outlaw biker
• She cannot be without male attention

She is too wrapped into her dude to be of any interest on her own. Bella is the kind of chick that wouldn't make my friend cut. Not that she gives a crap.

Funny? Or wrong?

Those Bud Light commercials with the comparisons of "Too Light" and "Too Heavy" are pretty clever. "The Breakup" shows a chick driving with boyfriend in car as she attempts to break up with him. Too light is backing out of it completely and and too heavy is her pushing the guy out of the car while car is in motion. Funny, right?

Now reverse the genders.

Funny? Or wrong?

Can you imagine the shit storm if the dude pushed a chick out of a car?

Smart ass cop

A couple years ago, Dawn and I were sitting on a 8 foot high wall overlooking St. Charles Avenue, drinking gin and juice and watching folks walk by after a Mardi Gras parade. Dawn was proudly taking credit for knowing that the young actor that portrayed Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) was gonna be hot when he got older and I was raggin' her for having a thing for young bucks.

We drank more and laughed more and eventually two of New Orleans Finest walked by. I waved them over. Dawn hissed at me and told me to can it.
"Naw, they don't mind answering questions, do you, Ociffer?'
"What seems to be the problem here, ladies?"
"No problem, Ociffer, I just wondered if you would be able to tell me and my friend Dawn what the legal age of consent is here in Louisiana."
The uniformed policeman looked at me for a minute and just when I thought he'd forgotten the question, he said "Forty-two or so" and walked away.
Dawn laughed so hard she almost fell off the wall.
I yelled "You're a smart ass! A wisenheimer, I tell ya!"
He lifted his arm and waved without even turning around.

How "Seinfeld" made dolts more interesting

The first couple times I watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on HBO, I didn't really like it which really surprised me because I loved "Seinfeld" and was disappointed that Larry David didn't grab me. Fast forward several years and recently started watching "Curb" again and I laugh my ass off. Larry David is a hoot. His nitpicking persnicketiness is hilarious.
But it reminds me of watching the show back in the day, hearing folks rehash the episode the next day and weighing in on the debate of tipping, etiquette and social norms. Folks that had no personality, opinions and viewpoint on anything suddenly had "deal breaker" stands on their date's characteristics or appearance, just like Jerry.
I heard a thirty minute discussion of chicks that didn't have a clue to what would comprise a good future mate and father to their children saying they would reject a guy because he didn't wear a belt. You heard me, a freakin' belt! Somehow they made the determination that their deal breaker preference equaled having standards. And personality. They didn't get the joke that the show was about the mundaneness of everyday life and how it fills our day.
Still not sure if Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld should be thanked or spanked for making folks feel more interesting if they had strong opinions on the "hello kiss".

Churches, bars, theaters and cars

My close friends know that I will cry when hearing "Amazing Grace" in any way, shape or form. Mournful bagpipes, a lone man singing a capella in a Manhattan subway or sung with congregants in church, my eyes fill and my make-up is ruined.
If Fred LeBlanc sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the House of Blues at 2 AM, I'm gonna cry.
At the end of the Disney animated "The Lion King", I lost it during "The Circle of Life". Lost it. Now, when I hear the chanting introduction, I have to remove myself from others because my reaction is embarrassing.
Driving with Patsy Cline on the radio and suddenly the road becomes a little wavy.
Anything belted out with heart and soul and angst makes my eyes wet. Black gospel music? Geez Louise, that does it.
That one high note ringing out through St. Paul's Methodist Church in Houston makes me look up to prevent eye spillage. Mom calls it "angel music".
And this is the one time of year that I know there will be more than a few moments of sniffling and saline. It happens every December. I sit in my vehicle, waiting for the traffic light to turn from red to green, listening to the holiday music station and a song will melt my heart before it spills over to my eyes. Different years, different songs. Sometimes "Silent Night" sometimes the original Charles Brown version of "I'll Be Home for Christmas".
Last year, I saved the Late Night with David Letterman episode on my TiVo so my mom could watch Jay Thomas re-tell his Lone Ranger story. I made Mom continue to watch as Darlene Love belted out "(Christmas) Baby Please Come Home".
I had the same reaction the second time I watched it, thought myself to be a bit ridiculous and then spied Mom wiping a tear. She turned to me and saw that my eyes were shining too. "Oh my gosh, that was amazing." If Darlene's energy and exuberance doesn't touch something in you, oh man, you're dead inside.

What music wrecks you?

Told ya so

I knew Al Gore was full of it when he sold that line of global warming horseshit after eight idle Vice Presidential years.
Over two years ago, I posted that his ill begotten Oscar and accolades were a load of hooey and it seems like the recent story regarding leaked e-mails about manipulated evidence story is not fading.
Sure, I took the quiz on www.carbonfund.org website to calculate my carbon footprint and was amused to see their suggested financial donation to offset my use. What a great scam!
They are cleverly offering holiday e-certificates for your gift giving convenience. I'm telling you right now that if I receive a carbon offset e-certificate for Christmas, there might just be a full barrel of unrefined crude set afire in an undisclosed area to offset the intent.
Al Gore is a charlatan.
Global warming is not proven.
Carbon offsets are a creative con tactic to fleece idiots from their money.
Which brings me to ~~ it snowed in Louisiana today for the second time in less than a year so suck it, Al Gore.

• Zero Carbon Family




• $960.00

Subtotal = $960.00

• I wish to make an additional tax-deductible donation: $

Tree Bonus:

48 trees will be planted in your honor.

Chico Bag Bonus:

Yes! Please send me 19 Chico Bags.

Total: $960.00

Concerns or joys?

Every Sunday, our pastor or associate pastors asks congregants to share their prayers of concern. We raise our hand and they wander the aisle. Mom is having hip surgery this week. The teen group is traveling to camp and we ask for a safe trip. Cousin was diagnosed with cancer.

Prayers of joy come next. Our son's birthday is Tuesday. Aunt is home from the hospital. Local football team won the game. (This is Louisiana, people.)

For those too shy or private to publicly state their prayer requests, prayer cards are available. Fill them out and the Monday morning prayer group reads them and prays for the concern. They don't need to know the names because God does.

After church service ends, we file out to be greeted by the pastor or associate pastor. Today, I chitchatted with folks while waiting for the the woman in front of me to finish talking with the Rev. The line is not the place to initiate conversations, just say hello or good sermon or have a good week. That's not what I heard.

"Please keep them in your prayers. They need all they can get. Right now they are living on the beach in a tent. They've been there all week. We're trying to get them with us. The family moved here for a job situation and things haven't worked out like they wanted."

(Living in a tent? On the beach? This was the coldest weekend we'll probably have this year! It snowed on Friday!)

Prayers of joy, find that tent soon.

Tiger lied to all of us

Or maybe you believed that the richest golf player in the world actually drove a Buick?
Shame on you, Tiger, for coercing old white guys into purchasing the very car you shilled to them. Those codgers were hornswoggled, bamboozled, I tell ya!

A great blog find

You bitches know I love cursing but I think I've met my match. Not sure how/where I found this blog but it cracks me up and you will see WHY I HAD to click on the link.
Cooking for Assholes
Here's a taste of assholery for ya:
So I made these crappy pieces of shit for lunch today and they were pretty darn good. They were also really easy which is why I am giving you the recipe. I actually think you are capable of making them unlike everything else which is way over your head (including fucking pancakes).
Learn cooking tips and check out some recipes but hey, read it for entertainment and see how a food snob looks at life.

Wishing I could hang out in the blogger's kitchen
drinking beer while they prepared food and cursed,
but pretty sure I would get kicked in the teeth
when I laughed and spewed beer out my nose,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Things that chap my ass: Farewell tours

Back in the day, 1989 to be exact, the Rolling Stones got together after a 7 year break, put together the "Steel Wheels" tour and touted it as the "farewell tour". I like the Stones but I don't love the Stones. My boss urged me to attend because it would be the last opportunity to see them perform live. My best friend was dying to go so we plunked down the cash and purchased the minimum 4 ticket offering. The concert was okay but I still seethe every time I hear of yet another Rolling Stones "farewell tour". I said good-bye 20 years ago, go already.

Same damn thing for Zebra and The Cold. Geez Louise, they've had so many farewell tours they should issue punch tickets and you get free admission to the 12th one. Best thing to happen to the Beatles? John Lennon got shot so the farewell tour discussions finally ended.

This is my free advice to you: Don't fall the farewell tour hype. It's a lie.

The new lie: "Retirement". Think Cher, Barbra or any football player.

Heard about that guy in the 23 year coma? Maybe we should call it his farewell tour.

CandyGram? No. Telegram? No. MammoGram!

Had my boobs smashed to hell for the yearly exam today.

As the tech chick Jackie intently manipulated my breast on the mangler and pressed down with extreme force, she asked "Are you related to Emily?"

I had to laugh because my boob in her hand was not the usual small talk segue way.

"And you ask . . .because? Are we so similar?"

She realized the awkwardness and became embarrassed, which just made me laugh more, all while being jammed into a tighter vice grip.

(Jackie eventually told me that she noted my last name on my file so it wasn't the mere sight of my boob that reminded her of Emily. And yes, Emily is my cousin.)