This is just a test

So, Bachelor #1 has now become #1 Boyfriend, what with the exchange of the "L" word plus his gifts of water meter motif stuff and lip balms and all.  Yes, he knows what makes me happy.  Anywho, we were feeling especially close when we both revealed that interests of the past had made recent contact.

I received 2 texts from 2 previous suitors as did he.

"I think men can smell a commitment/challenge," I supposed.

"No, it's a karma test," #1 Boyfriend said.

"What's that," I ask as I tilt my head like a super hearing canine.

"You don't hear from someone until you have someone else in your life.  It is a test to see if you are okay with it."

Check out the deep thought from #1BF!! (Say it like Jules in Pulp Fiction.)

Two texts and phone numbers now deleted from my cell phone.  Yay, Karma!

I referred to my beau as "Bachelor #1" in front of my brother Rollo.

"Oh God! WHY are you calling him THAT?" Rollo asked.

"Because it sounds better than Future Ex-Boyfriend," was my sarcastic but enthusiastic retort.

"No, WHY are you calling him Bachelor # ONE?"

"Because he has moved to the top of the list," I explain but wonder why I am doing so.

"No, no, no, don't you know calling him Bachelor #1 is no good?" Rollo continued.

"Why not?  Isn't #1 the best?" I ask.

"No, that's what they want you to think.  Bachelor #1 always has something wrong with him.  Bachelor #1 never wins."

This is from the same guy that made me watch Johnny Quest and Star Trek.  When did Rollo watch "The Dating Game"?  Who knew that he cracked the code? 

My mom said

Mom recently said that some parents push their kids into doing what they themselves are too cowardly to do. The word "cowardly" caught my attention.

If a mom pushes her daughter in pageants, why isn't she competing in the "Mrs" pageants? 

If the dad goads his son into sports, why isn't he training for a competition?

Read all about it

Chrysanthemum checked into her hotel room, dropped her luggage and spied this 

magazine provided.

Wow.

WHORE magazine?

Fill in your joke now.

Love your neighbor

So last week my neighbors invited me to drink a beer with them on their back porch.  We chatted and caught up and then the conversation turned to health, old age and quality of life issues.

  

Tommy said, "Y'know, I always wanted to die having sex."

He cast a sideways glance at his wife and muttered, "but I guess that's not gonna happen."

Lessons from a bachelor

Remembered an observation from Bachelor #23.
When I go on the meet-and-greet dates from online contacts, I ask all the uncomfortable questions.  Get it out there and let's see how it goes. Mind you, I know I am getting a one-sided story. 

Anywho, I asked Bachelor #23 why he thought his marriage failed and what he wanted out of future relationships. 
"Appreciation," he revealed.

Tell me more, I urge.
Bachelor #23 said he gave and gave but his best and consistent care wasn't appreciated and eventually not even acknowledged by his ex-wife. While he elaborated, my mind wandered to past relationships and I understood exactly what he meant.

It's nice to be appreciated.  It feels good.

My wish for you today:
I am hoping you are being appreciated and aware enough to know your blessings.

Dating advice from the bachelors

Remember I told ya that I went on a bunch of dates when I signed on to the dating website?

A couple of seasoned guys actually offered a newbie like me some advice. (NO, jackholes, not what you're thinking!)

Anywho, Bachelor #11 told me to never trust a man who has never married. Hold up, I say, I've never married. Should I not be trusted? Nope, Bachelor #11 explains, any halfway decent guy that isn't even paying attention will have a woman trying to get him down the aisle. If said dude is 40 years old or older and never married, then he has absolutely nothing to offer because he would be taken already.

It kinda makes sense.

Bachelor #19 advised me to not let a guy move in with me. Puh-lease, so not gonna happen but elaborate please, Bachelor #19. He said no real man would need to move in because he would already have his own place. And if he didn't, he's a ne'er-do-well or a moocher. Okay, he didn't actually use the moniker of "ne'er-do-well" but I like seeing it in print.

And Bachelor #1 offered this insight when I told him I needed to tear down the wall that both protects and isolates me.

 "Just use a door," he said, "Let the wall protect you and open the door to who you want."

Cue your favorite Jim Morrison tune now.

What time is it?

It's wine:thirty, ya'll!

Remembering seeing this bumper sticker?

From back in the day?

As a small child, I remember not fully understanding it but also knowing not to ask for clarification.

Be still, my heart

Bachelor #1 was being sincere and complimentary when he said hanging with me was fun and that I was special.  Being the unromantic wisenheimer that I am, I snorted at the mention of "special".

Catching my reaction, he said, "Don't let any let anyone tell that you can't rock a bike helmet."

~ ~ swoon ~ ~

I loves me a smart ass.

Like I said

What?

Bachelor #1 and I didn't spend the Independence Day holiday together. We wondered why later. I thought he had plans. He figured I had a family commitment but didn't call because he heard my own damn words I said on our first date "how can I miss you if you don't go away?" in regards to having my space and not being smothered.

So, wait, Bachelor #1 listens and heeds?

He's gonna get kicked out of the Man Club if he keeps that up.

Or I had better watch my flippant attitude. 

Happy shit sandwich Monday

The Secret

An old timer customer bragged that he and his wife were married for over 50 years.

Wow, that's impressive, I reply.

Before you are too impressed, he tells me, I worked out-of-town most of the time.

So, that's the secret to a long marriage, I ask? Long periods of time away from each other?

Well, that and direct deposit, he admits.

If it itches

I wondered aloud if my boobs itched, did it mean they were growing, as my late great aunt Fay used to tell me? My male friend said, "Well, it certainly doesn't apply to crotch regions. Otherwise, I'd have a freaking beanstalk growing outta my pants."

Duh of the day

Anderson Cooper is gay. Really.

Later

I thought you were already dead.

Last night

a herd of us went to the Foreigner concert and heard some blasts from the past.  As in, cassette format past.

 

Feels Like the First Time

Cold As Ice

Double Vision

Dirty White Boy 

Head Games

Urgent

Waiting for a Girl Like You

I Want to Know What Love Is

Hot Blooded 

Then the guitarist threw out his remaining guitar picks.  Because I have superior Mardi Gras training, I spied a pick on the ground and placed my foot over it until I could bend over to retrieve it.  I offered it to Maura but she didn't want it.  As the crowd filed out, an older gentleman was bent over and looking on the ground nearby.  Enboldened by a couple gin and tonics, I asked "Whatchalookin' for?"

"I was hoping to find a guitar pick," was his answer.

"Here ya go.  It's yours," I say, as I fish the pick out of my pocket.

"Do you have another one?" he asked.

"What the FUCK, dude?  Seriously, you want me to produce another pick out of thin air for you?" was my smart ass reply.

"Um, no, I meant, did you keep one for yourself?  Because I didn't want to take it if it was your only one," he responded.

Feeling like a super bad person, I mumble, "Oh.  Sorry.  No, you can have it."

In the life of Skitzo Leezra, even nice comes with a tinge of bitch.

Dating observations

Wrote a post called "Another One Bites The Dust" and received supportive comments from Teresa Evangeline, Giddy99 and Louisiana Belle.

Teresa Evangeline said she "took herself out of the dating pool and someone would have to be dropped in her lap or left on her doorstep to make anything even possibly happen."

Well, I said the same exact thing for the last 11 years and absolutely nothing happened.  Read it again, nothing.  Nooooooooothing.  Are we clear? 

And I realized another 11 years would pass unless I became a little more vulnerable, a bit more approachable, a lot less isolated.

It's been an experience, these past few months.  

Thank God I don't daddy issues.  Three, count 'em, three guys were in hot pursuit only to disappear off the face of the earth. 

Chrysanthemum's cyber boyfriend reminds her all men are pigs.  And she and I supposed their only time spent out of the sty was when they pretended to be charming.  But enough of the men bashing.  Believe it or not, my cyber contacts have given me new faith in the other gender.  Plenty of 'em out there looking for real relationships.

I am weary.  Gonna take a hiatus from the dating and blog more.

Come back now, y'hear?

A funny

So I found my mom a super high-end ($$$)  kitchen sink faucet but she had a problem with it last week.  Being the super smart broad that she is, she used her Iphone to video the operation or lack thereof.

I then forwarded the video, via text, to the faucet rep with a note "my mom sent me this video last night.  Take a look at it and tell me what you think".  

Before I could put down the cell phone, he returned the message, "That's not the same video your mom sent me last night."

Another one bites the dust

Okay, a tale from my online dating adventures --

Flirted and texted with a guy for a couple weeks.  We met at a local bar where he arrived first and graciously ordered glasses of chardonnay.  Though a fan of red wine, I was impressed by his take-charge attitude and happy to try something new.  The wine was good and as was the conversation.  We found we grew up in the same area.  We shared a couple online dating stories and past relationship history.  Two hours later, we remarked how much fun we had.  A quick kiss and goodnight.  His upcoming weekend was scheduled time with his teenaged daughters.  A few more days of fun flirting via text and then the following weekend is upon us. 

What are your weekend plans, he asked.  

A trip to Destin, Florida to celebrate Chrysanthemum's birthday with friends.  

When are you leaving?  

This afternoon I will drive to Houston to catch a plane.

He said he would love to see just for a minute so he could kiss me goodbye.

Sounds good, he asks me to meet him at 5:00 in the parking lot of a business near both of our workplaces.

5:01 I arrive to the parking lot.  No other cars.

5:05 I sent a "where are you?" text.

5:15 No response.  I leave.

Two hour drive to Houston and delayed flight.  No text, no call.  

Imagining phone issues, getting hung up at work, wanting to know what the hell is going on . . . all the stupid crazy shit that women do . . .I finally send this text a couple days later.

"Hello Rufus.  It's Skitzo.  Are we not talking?  I understand if you couldn't get away Friday but I don't understand the lack of communication.  What am I missing?"

Two days later, he responds with a text.

"Too much to type . . . will have to explain through conversation . . ."

Ok, I send back.  Just making sure you were receiving my texts.

 

NEVER heard from him again.  That was a month and a half ago.

Mind you, better for him to flake early and reveal himself but it is just so curious . . . .

What, dear reader, do YOU suppose happened?

Coming out of my cave

Is there anyone still out there?

Did I stay in my cave too long?

Other demands and commitments have prevented the Skitzo Leezra blog spew but hopefully I've remembered a few things. 

Wanna hear another online dating story?

What did I just say?

Y'know how your family or group uses words with a funny back story? Or you purposely mispronounce?

Example: Beyonce' proudly showed MTV Cribs her place and said "As you can see, I like dramatical things". Well, thank you, Beyonce' for that little gem.

Or, instead of saying it correctly, my New Orleans pals call our favorite St. Charles bar the "Col-youmns".

Anywho, the immature 12 year boy in my head laughs each time I hear "beef stroganoff" because my friend Fergie always pronouncs it "beef stroking off" (euphenism for male masturbation). Sure, mildly funny but Fergie was once a college-aged child nursery employee when a mom asked what the daily lunch was, Fergie answered "beef stroking off" and she didn't realize her gaffe until the mom's face registered shock.

Hoping your daily lunch special is dramatical,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Don't wanna

If you check out my craft blog at Skitzo Leezra Studio, you'll see baby gifts lovingly handmade by me but what you won't hear from me is how much fun I had at a baby shower because this bitch doesn't go to baby showers. The too-honest personality in my head frankly tells new mothers that I'd rather take an ass beating than to hang with a bunch of yentas telling their horrifying delivery stories. The breeder ladies usually let me off the hook when I promise a cute gift.

"But you would love it!" is usually a cue of the opposite.

Years ago, my friends wanted me to join them in for a male stripper shows. If you really knew me, you'd know I find it morally reprehensible, tacky and besides, I way too cheap to give money to gyrating greasy men. Sex toy parties? No way. Lingerie bridal shower? Don't look for me there. Just because I have a sailor mouth doesn't mean I enjoy tawdry activities, ya skanks.

Alternately, have received pressure to attend an activity of zero interest, be it a pottery party or paint studio party. Being crafty doesn't mean I want to paint-by-the-numbers crap. "I can't attend" becomes "that's not my thing" when met with resistance. Why? Is my rejection a lack of validation for other's good time? Am I such fun that a good time can't be had if I'm not there? Probably.

Let's respect our differences.
Don't wanna go.
Don't make me hurt your feelings.

I had a blind date last night

Say those words and watch everyone's ears prick up. Prick up? Maybe it's "perk" up. Yes. Perk up. That sounds better. Anywho, heads swing toward your blow hole because no one is immune to the curiosity of your first date pronouncement. While you may suppose it is primarily chick talk, married dudes lean in too, I tell ya. Single guys pretend not too listen except they do.

Years ago, a few friends and I attended a New Orleans singles party hosted by the weekly publication Gambit. The party admission required submission of a free classified ad to promote their new dating section. After a few drinks, we composed somewhat amusing postings and they provided a month's entertainment as we listened to the incoming phone responses and compared notes. One guy left an amazing recording with insight, humor and sensitivity then we realized the very same message was left on each of our accounts. We met and even went out with some of our suitors and we compared notes again.

Agreed: most guys lied about their height, everyone thinks themselves to be "somewhat attractive" and most guys say they'll call when they don't know what else to say.

My red headed New Orleans friend told the most amusing stories about her dating adventures with horrible table manners or awkward first kisses. It became habit for her friends and family to expect an interesting anecdote but when she found a true contender for love, it was difficult for her to resign from the dating story business. Her folks wanted to hear about the embarrassing details but she wanted to cherish and enjoy her new beau.

Rarely do my sister RikkiTikkiTavi and I ever disagree but when she blabbed that I've recently begun dating, a boundary was crossed. Her happiness for me is one thing but my privacy is another althoooooough I'm a super hypocrite because who doesn't love hearing about the entertaining and sometimes amusing trials and tribulations of a single girl dating HOWEVER (comma) I don't like it when it's me. In other words, my life ain't a chick flick.

The questions are from every angle -
Where does he work?
How much money does he make?
How did ya'll meet?
Is he a Christian?
How many times has he been married?

None of your damned business and shut up.

Okay, that said, you don't have my permission to ask about my dating schedule HOWEVER, since you stuck with me this far, I will share a recent story.

You're welcome~~

You don't get to know his name, where he works or how we met.

We had a great first date where we met at a bar, had a couple drinks and attended a nearby musical performance. We held hands, laughed and shared short kiss at the end of the night. He held the doors and texted me later to make sure I made it home. He said he enjoyed the evening and wanted to get together the same weekend. A few days went by. No call. Sure, I could've texted him but the more time went by, the more I wondered if he was actually interested. Apparently not. Five weeks went by. Then I saw him at my work place. He said his "phone got jacked" thus, he no longer had my cell phone number and couldn't reach me. (Mind you, he knew where I worked.)

"Call my cell number so I'll have your number again," he asked.

Okaaaaay.

Then, "Let's get together this weekend. How about dinner? Do you like Mexican?"

And I never heard from him again.

Dating fucking sucks.

Do you really want to ask me about my dating life? Do you really want to see my disappointment in the one guy I liked who didn't call but the other guys in whom I have no interest but they can't get enough of Skitzo Leezra? It's the same story since junior high.

The concept of arranged marriage has a certain appeal.

Dating sucks.
Like shit through a straw.

Living the glamorous life of a single girl,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra