Sonic drive thru curiousity

Looka what I saw last week at a Sonic drive thru in Beaumont, Texas! Real live cowboys, only a few blocks from Parkdale Mall.

(My hometown Sonic just has a guy that drives in on his riding mower.)

Strawberry Shortcake is a whore

I thought Strawberry Shortcake had gone the way of Holly Hobby, to the old whores home.





But no, Strawberry Cake Hole is back in her new modern made-over self and she gives pink a bad name. Who do you think taught those Bratz dolls how to dance on a stripper pole? Holly Hobby and her slutty friend SS Cake Hole. I said it before, I'll say it again, I trust no doll with a huge bonnet. And look at her dress. Would you say it is a bit short? You can see her bloomers for goodness sake! At least Hobby dressed like a fundamental even if she did have whore-ish ways.





No matter, once a whore, always a whore.

Quote of the day

"Yeah, I remember in high school,

me and Matt drinking whiskey

out of a garbage bag."

--as recalled by my brother Rollo,

describing how his buddy Matt the grocery store stock boy

would pour out the contents of a bottle of whiskey

into a garbage bag, break said whiskey bottle and

then report a breakage on aisle 5.

Snow in Lousyana

Holy gumbo, it snowed last week!

Unfortunately, there was no freezing, no iced up roads, nor power outages so it was business as usual and I was expected to go to work.

But it was pretty.

Must be nice

Never knew how to respond to folks that said, "must be nice" when you mentioned an upcoming vacation or such. Not a fan of braggarts myself so careful not to be one, thus, the "must be nice" thing takes me by surprise. Awkward in the beginning, now I just answer, "Yes, it is."
I am truly happy when my friends receive good news or cool rewards and I don't consider myself to be a jealous person but if I truly am envious, I own up to it. "I covet your brand new Super 2000 embroidery machine with 976 stitch options" but never would I say "must be nice".
And you shouldn't either. It makes you seem small.
Nor should you talk about the price of items. It is crass. LocalRichBitch stopped by her/my hair salon to show the gay hairstylist her chosen wallpaper for her new McMansion. Nevermind that she interrupted him doing MY hair. The paper was garish by my standards but he told her it was nice. Loudly she exclaimed, "Nice? Of course, it is nice. It should be nice at $400 a roll."
Oh my gosh, I almost fell out of chair. That behavior is so gross and reveals so much about her. Not good things.
Cut to my Book Boyfriend Tyler Cowen. He writes about "signals"in his book "Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist". We signal every time we incur a cost to send a message about ourselves to the outside world. Signaling is a kind of personal advertising. An example of counter-signaling is when the very rich dress like bums.
My Book Boyfriend goes on to say that reporting good news can make a person look bad. If we look anxious to reveal good news, our listeners assume that we don't often have good news. Tyler asks if Bill Gates goes home at night to tell his wife he earned a lot of money that day? Did Michael Jordan need to tell his friends every time he scored 30 points in a game? Sooner or later the good news will come out and even better if it is carried by a third party.

Hope all your news is good and your enemies hear it from someone else.

Word of the day

Date rape sandwich - Thanksgiving leftover turkey sandwich. Causes you to slip into coma-like nap(s).

--coined by yours truly,

SkitzoLeezra

Quote of the day

Every time a friend succeeds,

I die a little.

--Jay Thomas, as uttered on his Sirius satellite radio program

Family of idiots

If your car has a decal like this on it, you are an asshole.

It is about as stoopid as this:

No wait, there is something stoopider. How about announcing your child's name and hobby on the back of your vehicle? Pedophiles just loooooove that. So easy to approach your dumb child and ask about their activity of choice.
If I have an option to avoid a collision with either an unmarked car or the stoopid decal car, you aren't gonna like my choice. Now, if you have a NASCAR sticker, it is gonna be a tougher choice. Make sure those air bags are activated, idiots.

Self abuse

Every morning when I look into the mirror, I see what self abuse can do a person. But while in the warm shower, the urge takes over and regardless of the consequences and subsequent shame, I cannot help myself. I am probably adding years to my appearance but the vigorous rubbing must happen. It just feels so good to rub and massage my eyes under warm water of the showerhead.

Sundown in southwest Louisiana

last Friday afternoon

Quote of the day

"You know what they say:

Spare the Taser, spoil the child."

--as uttered today by Howard Stern on Sirius satellite radio

New baby mediations

My married friends are expecting a child and Eileen wonders if we can continue to be friends since I have been quite vocal in my dislike of children. Kay also. And Dawn too. But we like Eileen and Ernest enough to consider that concessions should be made by both the breeder and childless-by-choice folks. We feel these considerations should be discussed now before feelings are hurt later.

Here is our preliminary* trade-off list:

We promise to give ample notice of outings so you can get a sitter. In other words, get a sitter. Kids are a buzz kill at parties and dinner.

We won't tell stories about getting drunk and where we wake up if you don't tell baby stories. Save those for your breeder friends.

We won't share gross stuff about our own bodies if you zip it on the gross baby stuff.

If you don't contribute toward our rent or mortgages, don't expect us to fund your baby needs. Breeding is no reason for a handout of expensive gifts.

Don't bitch about the cost of in vitro. Birth control pills cost even less but often aren't covered under insurance.

Our houses are not baby-proofed nor you should not expect them to be. Watch your children and teach them some boundaries! We will, however, put away the crack pipe and razors if you visit.

Decide ahead of time which spouse will carry the screaming brat out of the room. We don't want to witness an awkward argument but we will discuss it afterwards.

Really, it all boils down to: know your audience. Your mom wants to hear every doggone thing about Baby Precious. Us? Not so much.

*List to be amended under the comment section. Add yours, please.

Don't make me laugh while eating

My sister RikkiTikkiTavi and I were eating ChickFilA at the mall food court today when she spied a young freak with multi-colored hair and lime green shoes. We were watching him enjoy his specialness. I noticed and commented on his quite large star-shaped tattoos centered on both elbow bones and wondered aloud what those would look like when he was sixty.
Without a beat, RikkiTikkiTavi said, "He'll never make it to sixty."

According to Elizabeth

"People that grow roses are crazy."

Everything I Needed to Know about Wrestling

I learned from our dog Wolf and my youngest nephew Gregory.

Wolf was a huge female German Shepherd who took delight in sitting on her opponents. Somehow she would trick the other dog in a surprise move and just sit on them. And smile. The pinned dog would yelp or even bark but Wolf just sat there a laughing sphinx. Thrashing around in the dirt was not becoming to a well-bred and beautiful girl like Wolf so she opted for heavy sitting.

Nephew Gregory is smaller than his big brother Walter but no problem. When Walter pushed Gregory into aggression, Gregory would hug his brother around the neck, buckle his knees and allow his full weight to fall to the ground thus bringing his brother down with him. It is a sophisticated move and Gregory has deployed it with much success.

When you are in your next bar brawl, do yourself a favor to remember one of these amazingly simple but effective moves because really it is all you really need to know.

Acorn

I registered to vote 26 times
but all I got was a T-shirt
and 5 cigarettes.

--as heard on Jay Thomas' show on Sirius satellite radio

Sammy's new favorite spot

Is on the table next to the sofa.
This is Sammy, in all of his fabulosity, reaching for the remote control.

Too slow, fat cat! Maybe next time!

New Orleans Saints - who cares?

Back in the day, when I lived in New Orleans, my Saints season tickets were both a blessing and a bane. When the Saints were winning, there was no problem finding someone to go the games with me. But there were plenty of times when I drove to the Superdome holding my tickets out the window and waiting for the friendly pedestrian scalper to offer me next to nothing for my unused tickets.

I cheered, I danced, I ate many a nasty Dome Dog, drank I don't know how many beers, cocktails and daiquiris. I wore the colors. Laughed when hecklers yelled that they watched "Gone With The Wind" and fast forwarded to see Atlanta burn, over and over. And I believed in the Saints. But sure as shit, time after time, the Saints would lose it in the last quarter. Leading by 10 points, the Saints seemed to take a fall to the mat and lose it all in the remaining 4 minutes.

To amuse myself, I began spinning empty Domino's pizza boxes over the rail to the loge seats. If ever you sat in the Dome and were beaned by a pizza box, ice or other flying object, it was probably me. But I defer to blame to the Saints. If those doggone idiots had kept me interested, you would have escaped injury. Once I threw confetti and the aging couple in front of me made the fatal error of showing displeasure. Duuuuude, don't do that, that just encourages me. At the close of the game, the old man turned around to glare at me and say, "I hope you die before next season." I laughed and said in my best and friendliest sorority girl voice, "You tooooooooo!"

Back to the Saints rant,

Then I finally had a moment of clarity. You can have a winning team or you could have a profitable team. Tom Benson chose profitable. Heck, he didn't even have to pay for a stadium. Mo' money, mo' money.

And I am bitter. Just like you wish some past boyfriends well and some you wish the worst kind of hell to visited upon them, I consider the Saints to be an ex-boyfriend of the latter ilk. Their losses bring me a joy. I love to hear talk of the team moving to another state.

I had some good times in the Dome. Been there, done that. Not gonna do it again. Who dat talkin' 'bout beatin' them Saints? Not me. Don't care.

Funny stuff

from my friend Elizabeth:
"Wish you were here today because the handyman is coming later."

overheard, from a veteran male beer bitch to a newbie male beer bitch, at an all-female bingo game night:
"Dude, drink up. Take a shot. Take two. All I am saying is that the last thing you want to do is go in there sober."

Just stuff

What's up with women dating younger men? No, no I have no problem with it but why does every single chick feel compelled to tell me how much younger her man is IN HER FIRST THREE MINUTES of talking? Could be that I have spoken to a chick that never acknowledged the youth of her main squeeze . Dudes are so much more subtle if their honey is young, usually they are much happier to brag about the hotness factor.


Have you watched "Breaking Bad" on AMC? My friend Elizabeth recommended it so after resisting for 9 months or so I finally checked it out and must say it is pretty compelling weirdness. AND "Pushing Daisies" is back.

Whoa, just checked my profile and it has over 600 hits. Dang!

Is it weird that an ex-boyfriend sent me a link to his photography site and it included nudes? Male and female nudes? NAKED nudes?

Negative ads? I love 'em!

Feeling ranty this week so am ready to slap the sunshine outta the next dolt that says they don't like "all those negative political ads". Me? I love 'em! The more negative, the better. If the opposing candidate sodomized 4 neighborhood children, cheated on his taxes or stole a pack of gum, I wanna hear about it. It's better than reality TV, it IS reality TV. MY candidate needs to have the cojones to call someone out and perform some trash talk. Call a spade a spade. I have no respect for an above the board election, in fact, those who do not "stoop" to street fight tactics make me think them weak and have something to hide.
Sling the shit, pal. I'm watching.

Family portrait in white

So SICK of seeing these unoriginal, much copied and stoopid family portraits! Everyone is dressed in white with a soft focus. Usually taken at the beach.


Everyone thinks their photo is so unique but they look like all the rest.
And I understand why the trend is popular. It is because most family portraits are posed and stiff or most folks look good except for the ass clown wearing a sports jersey or t-shirt.
White neutralizes your lack of taste.

But it has been done to death and it is time for it to stop. Wanna an original family portrait? Dress in Goth and pose at the beach. Take your sand pails to the cemetery. Go to the Nascar race in your Sunday best. Dress your kids like a hungover Lindsay Lohan, holding a jail sign under their chin.

And while we are at it, stop it with the kids in the washtubs. Stoopid. I blame Ann Geddes. Oh, how I hate cutesy.

Hurricane Ike at the cemetery

They say one of the benefits of living in Louisiana is that you may see your dead relatives after a hurricane. That's right, the coffins pop out of the ground if the water table rises. During hurricane Rita, some coffins were sucked out the ground and found 3 miles away. This eerie sight caught my big ole eyes. Some coffins pushed out of the ground, another filled with water and one pushed 50 yards away.





These photos illustrate how high the water went over the fence, dragging debris with it.

Hurricane Ike

This is what a hurricane does. Reduces your refrigerator to an ice chest with rapidly melting ice. But fret not, another ice chest is devoted to Coca-Cola and beer.

Hurricane Gustav

To all of you who inquired (and Ernest),

Folks from far and wide were evacuating through our area. Stopped by my local convenience store when I saw a caravan of cars pulling into the parking lot. I noticed that their license plates were from out of the area and they all piled out. Thinking they were lost, I lingered and waited for their approach but they didn't. And I kinda felt bad that I took this photo but it touched me.

Along with my sister Rikki Tikki Tavi and her brats, I went to Houston to accept the most gracious hospitality of Kay. The best kind of evacuation house offer? The kind where the owner isn't home! That way, you don't feel like you are in the way and they don't fuss over your every need. PLUS, you can root through their stuff before they get home! Right, people?
Houston received no rain but the brats were bored so we visited what I call the Third Tier of Hell aka The Children's Museum. THAT was the worst part of whole trip. The best part was Walter allowed me to face paint him. A nice curvy mustache and goatee. He drew the line at bushy evil eyebrows. Those stupid ass kids with butterflies and such on their faces - pansies, I tell ya.
Our home area had some wind and localized power outage of an hour or so. Happy to report that no alcoholic beverages were harmed by Gustav.
Mallys asked if I was pro-active and pre-dug my meat hole. Well, she is MUCH smarter than I because I never once considered a pre-dig! A scratch here and there but not a dig.
Someone mentioned this morning that 2 more hurricanes are out there. I don't know anything about them and ask that you not share information with me. La LA la la la.
Happy to be home,
I am,
Skitzo Leezra

Big eyes

While my eyes aren't really big, I think I possess superior peripheral vision. I can sense movement, like a small snake in the pool. I can see a deer running through the woods. I can even spot a status symbol from 50 yards, or so my mom maintains. And though I have no desire to hunt animals, am thinking I would be a pretty good spotter. So I bragged the above to my dad. He got a bemused look on his face and explained to me that hunters don't usually have that kind of vision. Prey do.

Stupid crap that women do, a disclaimer

When you are single, never married and childless and dare to spout an opinion, stoopid folks will say that you couldn't possibly know what you are talking about since . . . And they may be right. But I don't have to be a proctologist to know that someone is full of shit.

Stupid crap that I have done? I'll admit to some but not all. Yes, I have actually asked, "what are you thinking?" but I claim that it was the 14 years old me and my boyfriend really did look like he was composing a thought.

But all you bitches out there that are hanging on to my every word thinking that your walk down the bridal aisle is just one more Skitzo Leezra blog entry away . . .you better hit the BACK button. I can tell ya how to get married: lower your standards.

Listen to my rants and you will find yourself alone with a fat cat and lots of time to do what the hell you want, when you want. And you may find that you refer to talk show hosts and book authors as your "boyfriends".

Once, in a bar, a guy yelled across the way to ask if I were a real redhead. I shouted back, "Shut the fuck up, you asshole!" My flabbergasted friend asked "Do you even WANT a boyfriend?!" She had no idea what the guy was really asking, dumb-ass that she was. (Blondes and redhead girls have been asked that question since puberty.) A co-worker once asked if I ever got lonely to which I replied, yeah, about once every month and a half. She wisely said that I should stay single until the lonely occurrence number went up substantially.

Bitches:
I've good information about what not to do.
Balance that with some good common sense.

Tyler Cowen, my book boyfriend

My book boyfriend linked to me! ~~swoon~~
Because he is more technologically astute than I, he already knew I was blogging about him!! AND he linked to me on his blog. WOoHOo!

Out of consideration, I sent him notice that I was linking to his academic web page.

Hi ya Tyler Cowen!
Loved reading your book and have mentioned it in my blog a few times; even referred to ya as my "book boyfriend". Don't worry!! I have a radio boyfriend, TV boyfriend, etc. Anywho, here's the link to blog entries about you, should you like to peruse.
Keep on keepin' on, I tell ya!
SkitzoLeezra

THEN I got this little love note from the illustrious Mr. Tyler Cowen:

Your blog is excellent and in fact just a few days ago I linked to your series of posts on me...so many others have seen it too. Keep up the blogging, I enjoy reading! Tyler

I am the happiest girl in the whole USA!

My book boyfriend says

Tyler Cowen, author of "Discover Your Inner Economist" and my book boyfriend of late, wrote that in the art world, there is a price hierarchy for animals. Paintings of purebred dogs cost more than a mongrel. Spaniels more than collies, etc. Here's the funny part: when it comes to game birds, the more expensive it is to shoot the bird, the more it adds to the value. Thus, a grouse is worth more than a mallard. Well, I gotta tell ya, for me, a plain old monkey is okay but give me an oil painting of a monkey in period clothing and maybe some head wear? Well, I am all over that.

Stupid crap that women do, 4

Marry too young.
Think of all the folks you know that married in their early twenties or even younger. Are they still married? I just mentally went through a list of friends and family that married young: Of 17 couples, 1 is still married. And I wonder about those folks you meet that married their high school sweetheart . . . thinking that a fair number of those are miserable but too scared to leave.
I wish young love the best but I don't hold much hope for them.

Bitches:
Because you see potential in your man, you marry with the hope and expectation that he will change.
Your man marries you hoping you will never change.

Words of wisdom from my book boyfriend

Tyler Cowen quotes economist Robert Hall,

"If you haven't ever missed a plane,

you spend too much time

waiting around in airports."

Stupid crap that women do, 3

Kevin wrote:

"One morning, my girlfriend asked me if I was ever going to fall in love with her. I tried to keep a very impassionate face and I guess I didn't do a very good job of it, because her face kinda contorted and then she blurted out 'Oh, I'm sorry, I should never have asked you that.' She dumped me shortly afterwards. I really liked her too."

But get this - they had only been dating for TWO or THREE WEEKS!

Bitches:

If ya gotta ask . . .well, don't.
Make HIM chase YOU.

My book boyfriend says

Tyler Cowen, my new (imaginary) boyfriend and author of Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist gets it. He understands that most women want diamonds and other stuff that guys think to be stoopid. He writes "the best gifts are often those that we, as gift givers, do not ourselves value very much."

EVERYone should consider and remember it when Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries roll around. Sure, it is more fun to purchase a gift that you, yourself, would love to have but the more considerate gift is the one that you couldn't give a rat's ass about.

Tiffany key chain, Slatkin candle, sterling silver mint julep cup- WooHoo!
Rod and reel, gun case - fine, whatever.

Some of the best compliments I have ever received

Or at least the ones that I can share here, in mixed company.

When you receive a great compliment, it sticks with ya.

1) My friend and I bought state lottery tickets when the game debuted in Louisiana. She purchased hers, turned to me and said she hoped that I would win. How nice, I thought, wishing I could return the good thought and asked her why. "You would 'do' rich so well because you have such great taste." I couldn't agree more.
2) At my fabulous 40th birthday party, complete with prize wagon, live band, margarita machine and JellO shots, my teenage helper told her mom, "I hope I am as cool as Leezra when I turn 40".
3) Turdpolisher wrote about me on his blog, Fil-Turd:
"A look at life from the feminine side -- sort of. Leezra is the kind of girl most guys wanna to hang with. She's loud. She's bawdy. She's hot. At least that's what comes through in her writing. Skitzo covers topics as diverse as dating, rednecks, pop culture, and news. Check her out if you got the balls."

Aww, LOVE that.

My new boyfriend

My friend Lynn and I refer to guys as our new boyfriends, usually with a specific sub-heading, as in my TV boyfriend, my RADIO boyfriend, my MOVIE boyfriend, etc. I have a new BOOK boyfriend. He is married but no matter. His name is Tyler Cowen and he is the author of "Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist"
He plays a version of my Sears Wish book game, selecting art for yourself and asking why. Tyler claims, when visiting a museum or art gallery, "that dealing with the scarcity of our attention is more important" than being so sophisticated that we think the Sears Wish book game to be crass or materialistic.
PLUS, my new book boyfriend wrote that putting the toilet seat down is a symbolic recognition of his honey's value. Awww, who couldn't love a romantic guy like that?

Stupid crap that women do, 2

Knew this chick that desperately wanted to be married. Every date was discussed, ad nauseaum, with the header of "Is He The One?"
She found a guy and they moved in together. She told him that he had 9 months to decide to get married or to move on. She told him she had a loose diamond that could be set into a ring. She told him where the diamond stone was. She told him her ring size. She went shopping for wedding dresses.
He had the diamond set into an engagement ring and presented it to her minutes before we were scheduled to have dinner at their place. We exclaimed, congratulated and toasted, blah, blah, blah. Then, somebody, NOT ME, asked when the wedding would occur.
She reaches under the sofa and pulls out a manila folder, TWO INCHES THICK, and proceeds to share her ideal dream wedding, complete with wedding magazine tear sheets of the dress, invitation, you name it.
My jaded ass asked, "How long have you had this folder?" Three years, she says, though they have only dated for 10 months. You should have seen his reaction. It was a wince, I tell ya. Like a television commercial graphic, I saw the letters superimposed on his face - DOOMED. I was right. They married and they divorced.

Bitches:
Don't let your guy think he is just the tuxedo boy on top of the cake.
Don't demand a proposal, you might just get it.
Keep a little mystery about yourself.

Stupid crap that women do, 1

A couple weekends ago I had breakfast at a diner with my friends and we were seated next to a large table full of guys. Because I love to people watch, I enjoyed figuring out that the guys were discussing their antics the night before, probably at a bachelor party. Their loud voices and laughter were entertaining, even if I couldn't hear their words.
All of the sudden, the table became quiet. I turned to see a young lady greeting the guys. She was dressed in running gear. I surmised that she was the fiance and "just happened" to be running by the diner.
So, get this, she stopped in to where her honey was recounting fun times with his buds and STAYED to eat with them. Their heads stayed down and the chatter was over.
What douche move, I couldn't help to think. Guess Louise, give the guy a break! Way to emasculate your guy in front of his friends. With my invisible rubber stamp, I marked their marriage as "DOOMED". Sure, he might have invited her to drop by but damn, no way would I interlope on my imaginary man.

Bitches:
Let your man MISS YOU!
Let him wonder where you are.
Let him hang with his buds.
Don't imagine that he cannot eat breakfast without you.
Don't make your neediness so obvious.

New expression for ya

Old? Dude, he lasted 10 years after embalming!

--courtesy of my friend Tim

Christmas in July

My friend Lynn recently attended a redneck wedding shower and heard exclamations and instructions to the bride to look inside the box and examine each piece. Curiosity piqued, Chrysanthemum tore herself from nipping the sherry to see this priceless gift. A kitty cat nativity scene. Oh Fuh Gawd!

The baby Jesus? Is he a sweet sleeping baby? Nope, it's a kitten. Order yours now! Not a feline fancier? A dog version is available, too.

You're welcome, I am glad to help you with your holiday pre-landfill gift list. Be sure to order the kitty version for your friend SkitzoLeezra! Yes, I really want one.

Dog Nativity
$14.99
Celebrate the true meaning of the season with an endearing sculptural Christmas pageant. This 9-pc. set includes the Holy Family, the Three Kings, shepherds and an angel played by a variety of dogs of different breeds. Includes Golden Retriever, German Shepherd, Pug, Boxer, Cocker Spaniel and many more. Crafted of polyresin. Figures measure between 2"H and 5"H.

Quote of the day

I just hope this Lance Armstrong controversy makes people stop wearing those ugly bracelets. I don't like cancer inspired fashion.

--Natasha Leggero,

as uttered on "Chelsea Lately" show, E!

WebMD.com scares the crap outta me

Last year I had a experience of pain occurring behind my eye. After a couple days, I logged onto webmd.com for possible reasons. Multiple sclerosis pops up. What the ? Freaked out, I read on to see the percentages of folks confined to wheelchairs, etc. Next to tears, I call my mom who promptly told me that I probably did NOT have multiple sclerosis but an eye exam was probably a good idea. Eyes checked out, made doctor appointment and figured out I had a sinus infection. No more thoughts of MS.
This week, my right arm has been tingling. Wanting to rule out a possible heart attack, I log onto WebMD. Son of a bitch if multiple sclerosis did not pop again! And I am on A NEW COMPUTER, not the same as last year!
Here are other symptoms of MS:
Tingling - yes
Numbness - maybe?
Loss of balance - every once in a while
Weakness in one or more limbs - sometimes
Blurred or double vision - yikes
Slurred speech - sometimes I get a temporary lisp when I am NOT DRINKING
Sudden onset of paralysis - no, whew!
Lack of coordination - yeeesss
Cognitive difficulties - aw HELL yes
Muscle spasms - don't think so
Sensitivity to heat - YES
Fatigue - all the damn time
Changes in thinking or perception - yes
Sexual disturbances - um, please define.
Multiple sclerosis symptoms generally appear between the ages of 20 and 40 - not sure about this one, I think of myself in the age range but . . .
NOTE: The onset of MS may be dramatic or so mild that a person doesn't even notice any symptoms until far later in the course of the disease.

I texted my three best buds with the news that I may have MS. Kay tells me that everybody thinks they have that at some point and I am just stressed. Her sister says I probably have a pinched nerve in my neck and sure enough, my neck IS a little sore. Dawn tells me not to fret because WebMD has diagnosed her with lupus, cancer, meningitis - all in the last year. And Lynn takes my phone call and asks if SHE CAN CALL ME BACK! It might be too late, I told her. She laughed (at me?) and hung up. She called later and said that WedMD regularly scares the crap out of her hypochondriac husband but she is always tickled by the pop-up ads and products that relate to your new disease. She asked if I would need adult diapers. She's a good friend, huh? But I am such a lover of bargains, I would price those against those doggie weewee pads and pick the better price.
WebMD is missing one dimension of scaring the crap outta ya. They should have a pop-up clock or calendar marking your estimated days left.



Hoping you and yours does not have multiple sclerosis but here is more information:
Fatigue . This is the most common symptom of MS. It is typically present in the mid afternoon and may consist of increased muscle weakness, mental fatigue, sleepiness, or drowsiness.
Heat sensitivity . Heat sensitivity (the appearance or worsening of symptoms when exposed to heat, like a hot shower) occurs in most people with MS.
Spasticity . Muscle spasms are a common and often debilitating symptom of MS. Spasticity usually affects the muscles of the legs and arms, and may interfere with a persons ability to move those muscles freely.
Dizziness. Many people with MS complain of feeling "off balance" or lightheaded. Occasionally they may experience the feeling that they or their surroundings are spinning; this is called vertigo. These symptoms are caused by damage in the complex nerve pathways that coordinate vision and other inputs into the brain that are needed to maintain balance.
Impaired thinking . Problems with thinking occur in about half of people with MS. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. Approximately 10% of people with the disease have severe impairment that significantly impairs their ability to carry out tasks of daily living.
Vision problems . Vision problems are relatively common in people with MS. In fact, one vision problem, optic neuritis, occurs in 55% of people with the condition. Most vision problems do not lead to blindness.
Abnormal sensations. Many people with MS experience abnormal sensations such as "pins and needles," numbness, itching, burning, stabbing, or tearing pains. Fortunately, most of these symptoms, while aggravating, are not life-threatening or debilitating and can be managed or treated.
Speech and swallowing problems . People with MS often have swallowing difficulties. In many cases, they are associated with speech problems as well. They are caused by damaged nerves that normally aid in performing these tasks.
Tremors . Fairly common in people with MS, tremors can be debilitating and difficult to treat.
Difficulty walking. Gait disturbances are amongst the most common symptoms of MS. Mostly this problem is related to muscle weakness and/or spasticity, but having balance problems or numbness in your feet can also make walking difficult.

Sugar Daddy? I want one! Or do I?

I missed the day of school when Sugar Daddy lessons were taught. And so did all my friends. No one can answer basic Sugar Daddy questions.

• How does one obtain a sugar daddy?


• What are the responsibilities of a sugar daddy?


• What are the responsibilities of a sugar baby?


• Does the sugar daddy provide prizes or cash?


• Does the prize wagon arrive before or after the trade?


• Or does the sugar baby just sit there and look cute until the sugar daddy rains prizes?

Sugar daddies out there, please send criteria and we'll post it here so that more can be educated. Hate to think we have a whole generation of females missing out sugar daddy love.

Heard a female comic say that as a new homeowner, she is not impressed by flowers and chocolate but by a man pushing a lawnmower. I get that. 100 # of granulated pool chlorine? Oh my! ~~swoon~~ Brand new embroidery machine with USB port? Get the smelling salts.

Skitzo Leezra fragrance

Every other bitch has a fragrance out so I decided to develop one too. Celine, Britney, Avril, Sarah Jessica, Paris, J.Lo and countless others seem to think that we want to smell like them so there must be some idiot out there that would like me to throw together some stuff and slap a Skitzo Leezra Parfum label on it.

So, idiots, should my cologne not hit the shelves of your local sundries purveyor, here's the basic ingredient list:


* MarksALot - must be black, must be fresh. Mmmmm.

* Coca-Cola in a can- that fragrance that is emitted when you first pop the tab.

* Gin - Tanqueray or Bombay, no cheap stuff.

* Laundered cotton sheets dried on a outdoor line.

* Leather - don't go too crazy on this.

* Jo's Party House cupcakes - pure sugar, white cake, nuthin' fancy.

* fresh cracked black pepper

* fresh limes

* fresh lemons

* the tiniest dash of the vintage drugstore fragrance Evening in Paris


Enjoy!

What would happen if gays get married?

Okay, here's the joke that is told at every single wedding. And you should tell it at the next nuptial gathering making sure to notice the reactions. Watch and contrast the reactions of married guys vs. single guys.

Q: Why does every bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Guys hate this joke but it never fails to illicit laughter from women which makes me wonder:

if gay men marry, do the blow jobs end?

Quote of the day

I think I make God laugh.

And I gotta tell ya something,

that's a burden sometimes.

--Jay Thomas

I have a mouth like Samantha but wanna dress like Charlotte: MY review of Sex and the City, The Movie

First of all, I had no plans at all to see this movie but was invited by the girls. It helps that my expectations were low. Yeah, yeah, I watched the syndicated reruns of the show and enjoyed them okay but the writing was trite and Samantha's euphenisms and double entendres became tiresome but worse, was the idiocy of fashion stylist Patricia Fields insistence of sartorial foolishness. Ugh, how I would love to slap Ms. Fields for dressing Carrie in open back formalwear and intentionally exposed garish colored bras!
Anywho, this is a chick flick so don't even think of dragging your man to see it unless you promise him a very nice reward. He won't enjoy it and it is mean of you to insist. Now, should you be a fag hag and wanna bring your gay buddy, by all means, he will think it to be fabby pooh pooh pooh.
What to expect: (because every chick flick must include)
1) Dancing girl - indeed, someone decided long ago that girls/women/ladies spontaneously break into dance
2) Array of fashion items and things to covet - thankfully, most was the good stuff and not that nasty ass shit that proves that Patricia Fields hates women
3) Long, lingering shots of man flesh - wait, I change my mind, bring your guy so he can know what it feels like when we see gratuitous slo-mo glistening lady parts.
4) Impossible real estate in Manhattan

Back to review - lots of laugh out loud moments, status fashion galore, and well thought out stories of varied relationships. Very surprised that I liked and glad that I saw it.

Here is what I think to be the secret of the whole "Sex and the City" appeal: women like to think themselves as one of the characters but the truth is, most of us are ALL four of those women. Driven, domesticated, sexually charged, selfish, vapid, caring, confident, insecure, etc. If you don't have at least four personalities, you are not a real woman and no friend of mine.

Favorite quote from Samantha: "Shut up, fuck wad!"

My ranking: worth full price admission

Memories of Mab Libs

Jay Thomas interviewed Leonard Stern, co-creator of the Mad Libs word game and the segment reminded me of this TRUE STORY:

My high school boyfriend and I played a few games of MadLibs and afterwards left the book in the game room. The following day, my dad read the answers and saw nothing but raunchy words. He then forbade me from dating or seeing the guy. Dad did not realize that the words were in the boyfriend's handwriting because the profane answers were MINE!

A brand new Samism, it's fresh, I tell ya!

as uttered to Danielle,

"I just saw the world's biggest mosquito! I caught him trying to bite me and the son-of-a-bitch was as a big as a bumble bee! Now that's big, y'hear? It was like a horse flying around!"

Get in your Fraidy Hole

This report from my buddy Lynn:

Living in North Alabama, you become accustomed to the hundreds of severe thunderstorm warnings, tornado warnings and tornado watches. Here in Trinity, AL, we are lucky enough to be in "tornado alley" and know the drills all too well. If you live in the city limits you are lucky enough to have sirens going off at all hours of the day and night. But if you live outside the city limits.....the country to some...you have to rely on television weather reports and your handy weather radio. After sleeping through a tornado that touched down less than a mile from us as few weeks ago, we invested in one of those horrible little weather radios. It sounds a deafening alarm to alert you of even a thunderstorm. While I am happy to have something to wake me up (I am the only one that hears this deafening alarm), I really don't care about thunderstorms. I just want to know when I need to be listening for something that sounds like a "TRAIN"!!!

On Saturday night, we were having a round of severe weather. We were still awake and watching television, so we watched and listened intently for instructions from Dan Satterfield AKA Dan the Man, the local meteorologist. Like any weatherman, he was just beside himself. He had Doppler this and Doppler that, 3-D imagery from inside the storm cell, maps that could track its exact time of arrival on your street to within 15 seconds. Now Dan the Man is know around here for always alerting the kids that might be home alone as to what they should do. He always instructs them to get their "helments" on (football, bike, hockey, it doesn't matter what kind) and get in the bathtub. When he says, "Kids, get your helments on and get in the bathtub", you know it is serious business. Well, Saturday night at 11:30pm, when no children should be up watching the weather, Dan the Man instructs us to do something new!!!

Dan the Man announces," Everyone, get your shoes on and go get in your "Fraidy Hole!" My what? I looked at Donald and asked, "Did he just say Fraidy Hole?" Yep. Fraidy Hole. What the hell is your Fraidy Hole? Where is it located? Do we no longer put on our helments since we are gonna put on shoes instead? Did we miss the original episode that told us who, what, when, and where the Fraidy Hole is? Or was Dan the Man just have flashbacks from a childhood of molestation and the Fraidy Hole was his escape in his mind? Who knows? Fortunately, the tornado did not touch down in our area, because none of us new where the hell the Fraidy Hole was.

Signing off to find my Fraidy Hole,
I am,
Lynn in Alabammy


Ernest said:
"The Fraidy Hole....that's easy. It's right out back just to the left of the Meat Hole."

Me? I thought it was half past a monkey's ass.

Add another talent to my list - bull rustler

Last Thursday I was driving south of town, near farms and ranches, when my superior peripheral vision caught a flash of gray and quick movement. I turned my head just in time to see a huge Brahma bull jumping a fence. He stood one foot from the two-laned highway yellow stripe and looked both ways, as if to decide his next direction. Holy cow, I thought, knowing that deer can inflict great vehicular damage, what the hell could that monster do to a car traveling 5o miles an hour? I flicked on my bright lights a few times to warn and possibly slow oncoming traffic and then pulled to the shoulder when I spied TWO MORE bulls that preceded the Brahma. Thinking I could possibly block them in the long driveway, I completed a quick U-turn. The bulls just stared. I jumped out my truck and gave my best guess as to what to say. "Shoo!" accompanied a sweeping motion of hands. To my surprise, two of the bulls (the early ones) took off running toward the house. Big giant Brahma considered his options. Feeling quite confident now, I gave another "shoo!" and he took off as well. I followed him and others to the house and was quite relieved that I was followed by another truck. Spoke with the guy and he said he would take it from there. Good damn thing because I didn't know what the hell to do next.

Bull rustler, wearing a cute dress and sandals, that's me.

Cryin' at church

Last Sunday's worship service was led by graduating high school seniors. They performed music, presented a PowerPoint photo montage, gave the sermon, shared Communion, the whole schmear. And I blubbered the whole time. Dunno why the sentimentality hit me so much. The new fresh beginning of their lives? The end of a familiar stage? Growing up? New horizons? Life passing so quickly?
I attempted to stop the sniffling and tears and whispered to my friend, in shame, "You would think those were my kids." Instead of jolting me out of my sniffles with a much needed smartass remark, she added to it by saying, "But they are your kids."
And she is right. Those smart, mature and accomplished students are the source of pride for the whole church. I am proud to know them. Proud of their feats because I wasn't one of those kids when I was their age. I didn't have perfect grades, didn't give back to the community, didn't go on mission trips and didn't have the confidence of faith. But glad to that I know some that do.

Miley's photo? Who gives a ?

THIS is the photo that everyone is freaking out about? For true? I am more bothered by the fact that her upper lip appears to sport a dirty Sanchez.

The more disturbing photo is the incestuous snap with her dad. Gee-ross! Ugh, that tattoo, that hair, gulp, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Back to the rant:
Hey, parents, YOU just dress up your little girls like hookers-in-training, photograph them in Lolita poses at Glamour Shots, purchase those whore Bratz dolls and NOW you are offended because your future stripper child is scarred by seeing sweet Miley with a bare shoulder in a fabric drape? Get over yourself and mind your own backyard! Spare us your outrage and save your money for the illegitimate grandchildren of your future.

Redneck Pranksters, my favorite kind

Remember a few months back when all the network news programs were airing YouTube clips of kids performing the fire in the hole prank? One part of me felt sorry for those poor minimum wage folks that received a shower of biggie drink full of cola but the other part of me kinda snickered at the prank.
I just remembered about the redneck version of this prank:
--------
Pig-tossing is the newest trend among redneck pranksters.
West Point, Mississippi has been seeing a rash of animal-tossing episodes, the Associated Press reports.
The most recent episode was the toss of a 60-pound pig over the counter of the Holiday Inn Express by Kevin Pugh, 20. No one was hurt, including the pig.
Pugh was fined $279, and given some very strange looks by police, who find the trend very bizarre.
"This was the silliest thing I've ever seen," McCaskill said. "Almost every officer we had was involved because the incidents kept happening at different hours."
McCaskill said there have been four late-night incidents involving animal-tossing at West Point businesses. Twice a pig was tossed; two of the incidents involved possums.
"He [Pugh] said it was a prank," McCaskill said. "It must be some redneck thing, because I haven't ever heard of anything like it."
All four of the incidents took place between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., according to McCaskill.
Pugh is accused in another animal-throwing incident at a Hardee's restaurant.
---------
My friend Dawn thinks they got this idea from the "Squeal of Fortune" episode on Sesame Street. Guy Smiley is the host and the "Count" is his Vanna White type assistant. They put a pig prostrate on the wheel and spin it really hard to see how many times it squeals before the wheel stops. The "Count" keeps tally by saying "ONE.....ONE SQUEAL, TWO.....TWO SQUEALS....ETC..." They never actually show the pig barfing but it appears that it is definitely woozy. It's awesome and makes me laugh.

That's some pig.

It is necessary to cover my hole

This is an update to Neccessity is the mother f'er of invention entry. Hmmmm . . . how to cover my misbegotten hole?

Big vintage button, little vintage button, one small bead and some string.

Done. Mother f'er.

Feng Shui must be done with INTENTION

I am into the Feng Shui thing. Well, sometimes you just decorate and place things without having the "intention" part of your brain in gear.
The other night I was reading (skimming) the "relationship/love" section of yet another Feng Shui book and thinking, "Yeah, whatever, I could give a shit about THAT chapter" as I let my eyes wander to the relationship corner of my bedroom.
Well, my attitude was quite obvious by the items placed there. A small headless female mannequin form, all by herself, surrounded by antique hats and hat boxes!
What is THAT?! I got no head? (No brain?) I cannot think clearly about relationships? Old head coverings = old attitudes? Doggone it, the headless chick cannot even WEAR the hats! Am I sending out a vibe or WHAT?
Needless to say, I moved the items in question. No, have not replaced with "man getting" stuff but don't won't to tempt fate TOO much!
Thought you would enjoy my sad little life,
what with my desolate relationship corner and all,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra

Sam-isms

Found this nugget of gold in my e-mail file, from my friend Danielle. Samisms are utterances by, you got it, Sam. (Permission to post granted by Danielle. Sam, however, may throttle me.)

Enjoy.


Sam: Boy, you can sure tell spring is here.
Danielle: You sure can, it’s really nice outside.
Sam: Yeah, and also because all of the good stuff is turning up in the trash piles.


Sam: There’s a direct correlation between those "License to Win" stickers and the amount of insurance coverage on the car!


Sam: You know what it means when a New Orleans Sewage & Water Department truck has its sirens on, don’t you?
Danielle: No, What?
Sam: It means they’re drunk.


Sam: There’re more 18-wheelers here on the Westbank than any other place in the world.


Sam: (Talking about a near car accident) I would have been ACCORDIANIZED right then & there.


Sam: (In the car pointing to a bumper sticker) THAT’S the second most dangerous bumper sticker in the world!
Danielle: What is?
Sam: Anything with the word Jesus on it!
Danielle: What’s the first?
Sam: "The License to Wwin" sticker of course.


Sam: (iIn the pool looking down freaked out) There’re two of them, and THEY’VE GOT ME!
(Turned out to be a pair of goggles in the pool; Sam thought it was two snakes)


Sam: (On the phone) Damn, that son of a bitch just bit me like an alligator.
Danielle: What bit you?
Sam: This F’n piece of plastic that I’m trying to split open.


Sam: If you ever see one of these residents around here driving erratic, I can guarantee you’ll need to do some sort of death defying stunt just to survive the situation.


Sam: Don’t borrow stuff if you’re not going to put it back where you found it! I don’t think YOU’D appreciate it very much if I confiscated YOUR cosmetics and rerouted them to where I think they belonged and to where you would have to waste HOURS of your precious time looking for it. I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME DANIELLE! Oh, here it is. (One minute after he began searching for it).


Sam: (In the car on the way to the airport leaving for an Alaskan cruise with his family) It’ll be a miracle if I make it through this trip without contracting some type of deadly disease.
Danielle: Where do you plan on contracting a deadly disease?
Sam: Cruise ships are full of nasty foreigners who drag all kinds of bacteria up from wherever they come from to infect unsuspecting tourists like me.


Sam: (calling in from the Alaskan Cruise). Well it’s fun-n-all but it’s basically just one huge floating geriatric ward. I’m pretty sure that I’m the youngest person on this boat.


Sam: What are you doing tonight?
Danielle: I’m going over to a friend’s house for dinner and a movie.
Sam: Well, it seems it’s gotten to the point that if I expect to get anything good to eat I’m going to have to get you to regurgitate it all when I get home at night. Just like a bird.


Danielle: I want to get a Convertible
Sam: What in the world do you want that for? All that is a one big skin cancer accelerant.


Sam: Look what happened to me the other day…a GD ant was in my eyeball! There I go to scratch an itch and a GD ANT’S IN MY EYE. That was no better than that damn wasp that was going for my crotch while I was trying to drive, with cars coming at me at all angles. I barely made it to work within an inch of my life.


Danielle: (oOn phone) Whatcha doin?
Sam: Fixing something I brought here to work
Danielle: What is it?
Sam: A tube amp made by switchblade toting Dagos from some horrible area in New York. It’s very collectible.


Sam: Let me tell you, you don’t want to get into a quarrel with a squirrel, they’re vicious. One night I was sitting in the shed working on something, I look up and damned if there wasn’t a squirrel in mid-air coming right at me.


Danielle: Did you try the stew I made?
Sam: Yeah, I tried it
Danielle: Did you like it?
Sam: Not really, I nearly threw up on the last bite.
Danielle: Then I guess I’ll throw out the other serving of it.
Sam: Nah, I’ll eat it.


Sam: I keep finding all kinds of artifacts in our new backyard.
Danielle: Really, what have you found?
Sam: I just found an old dog chain with a padlock on it, and the other day I found a metal sticker that you put on rose bushes.
Danielle: Are you sure those are artifacts?
Sam: Well I’m keeping them.


Danielle: Have you found a roofer?
Sam: Yeah, I found a couple of Mexican dudes at work who said they’d do it for cheap.
Danielle: That sounds good.
Sam: Yyeah but before you know it one of them’ll have a seizure, fall to the ground, and sue us. Then we’ll be sorry.


Sam: Why don’t you bring me more than two rolls of toilet paper to the new house? I don’t particularly like having to waddle from bathroom to bathroom with my drawers around my ankles searching for it.
Danielle: I don’t understand where two rolls of toilet paper could have gone in a couple of days.
Sam: Well then, I guess the neighbors are breaking in and wiping their ASSES with it!


Sam: Some big overgrown monstrosity of a woman seized every loaf of Jewish rye bread in the store before I had a chance to get any of it.


Sam: I need you to bring me more toilet paper.
Danielle: Look around the house, I just brought you some.
Sam: Well, you bring it to me, then you have the nerve to come around here and spend the whole day snotting and peeing - using it all up!


Danielle: Did you like the biscuit I made you, I added cheese this time.
Sam: It didn’t have any cheese on it.
Danielle: Yes it did, I put it on all of the ones I made last night.
Sam: Well, there wasn’t any on this one, I was, however mystified by the 6 grains of cheese resting peacefully on the aluminum foil.


Danielle: Do you think we need to check the electrical system before the walls go up?
Sam: Nah, I’m 99 point f’n 9 percent sure that it’s all right.


Danielle: I’m going to try out for Wheel of Fortune this Sunday. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Sam: Since when did Wheel of Fortune take precedence over the welfare of our home?


Danielle: What do you think of my hair? I just got it layered.
Sam: You pay all that money to the woman to get your hair done and she goes and cuts it up in all different lengths?


Sam: I went to the thrift store today and had another one of those Woody Allen moments.
Danielle: What does that mean?
Sam: Well I’m inching around this person that at first I can’t tell whether it’s a girl or a guy but I figure it’s a girl by her arm. She backed herself into me and bent over really far so I could see her ass. On the top of her crack there was a tattoo that said “Do you wanna do it?” She got back up and kinda looked at me but I just ignored her so she steamed up and stomped off.
Danielle: What did she look like?
Sam: She had that dental hygienist look going, like out of an old porno.
Danielle: That sounds completely made up.
Sam: Nah, stuff like that happens to me all the time.


SCENE: Canal Street Ferry, Sam is sprinkling his dad’s ashes into the Mississippi River.
Sam: I wonder if, while he’s down there, Dad can find that watch I lost in the river a while back.
Danielle: Maybe he’ll come to you in a dream to tell you where it is.
Sam: Even so, it’ll be ruined anyway. It’s been 7 years.


Sam: (On phone) blah….blah…blah…
Danielle: (Pretending to listen) umm..hmmmm….
Sam: You’re not evening listening to anything I’m saying.
Danielle: Yes I am.
SILENCE…..
Danielle: What’d you say?
Sam: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. Now you’re listening so hard you’re hearing shit!


(The radio mentioned something about Bloomfield, California)
Sam: I’ve been to that place, it’s really nice. I warn you against going into the woods when you’re there, though.
Danielle: Why? Bears?
Sam: No, Vietnam veterans growin' weed that’ll kill ya!
Danielle: The veteran or the weed?
Sam: What do you think???
Danielle: I have no idea
Sam: Well you oughta (walks off).


Danielle: You need to hurry up and install my air conditioner, I’m hot.
Sam: You need to learn how to do it yourself instead of lying around like some kind of prima donna expecting me to do everything.
Danielle: You need to treat me more special instead of some kind of workhorse.
Sam: Hah! If you’re a workhorse, you ass is still in the stall!